what r u doing new years eve i'm reminiscing on emma roberts smacking me in the head opening a door yesterday
sometimes i wonder, can i have just one day of not experiencing great material? 2024, i'm lookin at you!
Alrighty, kiddos! It’s that time of the year again … as in, the end of it. And what a year we’ve all had! Quite a terrible one, but also a great one. Yes? No? I think I’m right when I speak for all of us on this.
2023 was a year that started and ended with the first day of the year and the last day of the year, and that is something I have always said about those two days. My 2023 ended with Emma Roberts smacking me in the face with the door at Hungry Ghost (a New York coffee shop). She looked straight through me without reacting to hitting me with the door, took a big sip of her iced coffee, smiled, and floated away. She but first, coffee’d me. She fully did not see me. It was as if I, too, was a hungry ghost. In 2024, my resolution is to, at least, be noticed when a celebrity opens a door on me.
I don’t what it is about 2024, but I have high hopes for it. I’ve never felt like that about any year — I’m a very ~in the moment~ person who can never imagine what’s to come, but this is the first time that I feel like I can picture the future. And the future looks good sort of kind of in a way not like entirely but definitely a little bit.
I think that sometimes, for life to feel like it’s changing for the better, you have to make certain choices that move you in that direction. They can be a small or as big as you need them to be. For example, I bought an Airtag for my keys yesterday, and now I won’t lose them every day. And that is a great metaphor for not feeling lost in life. Wow, I have chills thinking about that! If you do, too, please write me a letter and let me know. My mirror shattered on the second-to-last day of the year, and then I stepped on all of the glass like a 2023 IDIOT. Something about that felt like renewal. Removing everything from before and exploring newness while also making a choice that caused pain could be a way of telling me that new experiences don’t come without a little struggle. Plus, the mirror was dusty, and what do you want me to do — remove the dust? That’s silly. There’s no way to do that. No one has come up with a way to remove dust1 so we can say goodbye to that idea.
I’m gonna end the final newsletter of the year with a list of my Ins and Outs for 2024:
OUT
Starbucks
shower caddies that do not stay put on the shower head
saying slay (I personally need to unlearn this word)
Mattel
not flossing
movies about Elvis
any presidential election from now until the end of time
wide-ruled notebooks (leave that useless piece of paper on the tree where it belongs)
$55 candles
paying for the subway (pointless)
GRWM (get ready with me) videos, unless they’re bits and not serious
stick figure drawings (those lil guys are up to no good)
Taylor Swift’s private jet
IN
Never Really Over by Katy Perry
acne
owning a cat
owning someone in a comeback
owning a house (haha I’m kidding I will never be able to do that)
more Yorgos Lanthimos movies
Sister Act: The Holy Trinity (what I’m guessing the third installment will be titled)
Gypsy Rose content year-round
saying yes to things
saying no to things
saying “hee hee” to things
cortados
Quiplash
juggling three lemons if you have them in your house or nearby
sleepovers
learning how to do a kickflip on a skateboard so that you can go to the skateboard and ask a man to teach you and then when they do it once you do it better and then say “Wow you’re a great teacher thanks!”
throwing their skateboard in the garbage right after
hopefully a daytime talk show called Hellen so that Ellen DeGeneres’s head flies through her LA open floorplan living room
being a good listener
nailing your mirror to the wall so it doesn’t shatter
exfoliating
Mark Ruffalo
My last IN is hanging out with your friends. Hanging out with your friends is, in a way, the whole point of life. When we love our friends, we love ourselves, and we love taking care of everything around us. And we get to blackmail them into helping us commit necessary crimes.
Thanks for getting through that with me. I hope you all get to be with people you love tonight. And if you don’t, I hope you get to talk to people you love tonight via phone or dreams. And if you need someone to do that, please call me. I will answer every single call whilst I dance my lil booty off at the club. No, Dad, I’m not going to a club. Yes, Mom, I’m going to a club.
Happy New Year, everybody. Thank you for sticking with me this past year, and I hope to see you in 2024. LOVE YOU.
My ghostwriter has just informed me that I keep thinking it’s about to be 1924, which is around the time the duster was invented. I now know that it’s 2024, and I sincerely apologize for my mistake. I am learning and working on myself in order to be better.