we got a Chicago accent in the Vatican y'all Donald Trump your days are numbered
da bean = da sistine chapel
My fellow Chicagoans …
Can you even beLIEVE IT?
There’s an American CHICAGO pope in the Vatican.
And not only that … he’s only 69 years old. Pope Leo XIV is but a child. We got a young man up in here.
We did it, Joe. A Chicago accent is not only visiting Vatican City, it’s living there. There’s gonna be a White Sox flag in Pope Leo’s bedroom and an Al’s Beef in Rome — maybe two! High-ranking cardinals will have Ditka mustaches, and the blood of Christ will be replaced with pop. Malört will be used for exorcisms instead of Holy Water. Corner pieces on a tavern-style pizza will be the Body of Christ.1 The world will most likely potentially probably be a better place with a Chicago here and a Chicago there.
But will there be negatives to a Chicago pope? Will there be political corruption?2 Will Blagojevich start a band there? Does having an American pope mean that our country has taken a turn for the absolute worst? Does the Vatican think we need support? Is the antichrist in the White House, or is it just an evil idiot?
Why did the conclave decide on an American? Before, they wouldn’t do it because the United States was too great of a world power. Do they see the U.S. as a failing country? Does having an American pope keep a better eye on people stealing from Walgreens stores and Target stores across the country?
Let me tell you something. IT DOESN’T MATTER. It will matter in a few minutes, but right now, it doesn’t. Let me tell you what does matter:
American pope = American nuns
Oh, what could that ever possibly mean, Kerry? Are you telling us that your dream is coming true?
It sure the fresh hell IS.
Sister Act 3 will be alive and well any day now. Those writers are not gonna lose an opportunity for Kathy Najimy to sing to the heavens about an American pope.
If you don’t think Chicago Pope Leo isn’t gonna have a choir of nuns singing “Oh, Happy Day” every Sunday at St. Peter’s Basilica,
you are mistaken.
I don’t want to make this moment about me, but it’s difficult not to when it so obviously is (what kind of a sentence is that).
Anyway, Chicago pope. No one knows what it means. What we do know is he has a Chicago accent. We also know he is technically underrage as pope. He is much too young. He hasn’t had any life experiences, yet. He may not be ready for this kind of responsibility. He just got his braces off.
Does the pope get to vote absentee for the Chicago mayor, or does he not have that rite (haha) anymore? I don’t care, actually.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT FATHERS WHO BECOME THE POPE.
Today is Mother’s Day. Let us give thanks to all of the mothers:
And then also the rest of the mothers.
What would this world be without mothers? Without mothers, we wouldn’t have popes. Think about that. We wouldn’t have Mother’s Day. That’s something, as well. We wouldn’t have male presidents. We wouldn’t have Bass Pro Shops. We wouldn’t have nature, as she is a mother. Those are just some of the important things we wouldn’t have.
But instead, the world does have mothers — all different kinds. And because of that, we’re here. We’re able to have sympathy and humor and compassion — yes, those all come from mothers. We have Mark Wahlburg saying, “Say hi to your mother for me.” I have a mother I can call when I’m getting a cold3 and I need her to do something about it. I have a mother who taught me body language and how to express emotions in more ways than words. I have a mother who dances better than most hearing people, but she also can’t hear when I’m watching TikToks on full volume. And I appreciate her so much for that one. I have a mother who FaceTimes me when she’s with her friends and then leaves me staring at her friends for several minutes after the conversation is over. I don’t think you understand how much patience I have in awkward situations because of this. My mother has taught me patience.
I have a mother who has taught me that it is, in fact, my fault if the Bears lost their fourth down because I walked into the living room. “They were doing just fine before.” I have a mother who thinks I’m so funny, which really helps my ego. I have a mother who has a tattoo of Ireland on her arm, even though she is only 4% Irish. That’s how much she supports my culture. I have a mother who is supportive.
Thank you to mothers, to all mothers, but mostly to my mother. Here is a picture to show how much I love you.
movie rec: Sinners (2025) — are you kidddddding me? one of the best and most fun movies i’ve seen in years. go see it i mean it
music rec: go ahead and enjoy so Irish ballads, my friends
book rec: Black Boy by Richard Wright — a memoir about Wright’s upbringing in Jim Crow Mississippi and his move to Chicago where he became a member of the Communist Party
If I had it my way, the corner pieces would come directly from La Villa on Pulaski & Addison, but women don’t get to VOTE for the POPE, NOW DO THEY
There already is, chica ;)
a hangover