Spotify calling me a Katy Cat is a slur, and yes, I have now publicly said that and there is unfortunately no turning back

For some reason, I’ve decided to begin this week’s Circle Back on a hostile note, and I won’t be reconsidering.

Spotify sent me a notification this past Friday because pop icon/old man murderer Katy Perry had a new album release. In this notification, Spotify called me a Katy Cat, the name for a Katy Perry fan. While I may be a Katy Perry fan — depending on the era — I do not follow her on Spotify, nor do I ever call myself a Katy Cat. This means that I was accused by the corporation of being a Katy Cat and was, therefore, sent a notification that very publicly showed they were calling me a Katy Cat. Like, anybody could’ve been looking at my phone at that moment and seen something that completely changed their opinion of me as a woman and a Katy Perry fan. It was like U2 showing up in our Apple Music libraries all over again — a day that should have its own memorial annually. It was in 2014, two days before the memorial of 9/11. 9/9, if you will.

It is just so accusatory to assume I’m a Katy Cat just because I listen to one of her songs three times a day, at the least. And the new album? Did I listen to it? Yes? I will not comment any further.

---

Another important topic to address is one from a conversation I had at dinner the other night with my friends Laura and Advait. BUT FIRST, I must set the scene. We were eating at Spicy Moon, a really delicious vegan Szechuan spot that has a few locations in the city. The one I chose was in the Bowery area and on Bowery. When I made the reservation, I had the option to choose to eat in the cafe, the dining room, or the patio. And I wondered, the patio … would the patio just be … eating at a little table on Bowery where the only protection I may have between myself and literally anyone is a large plant or perhaps two large plants? I chose the patio. Yes, that was exactly what it was. Never in my life did I think I would eat dinner on the Bowery sidewalk. God works in mysterious ways.

For some reason that neither of us can recall, Advait was talking about OH WAIT I REMEMBER NOW I REMEMBER WHY HE BROUGHT THIS UP ok so we were talking about how Advait believes there are three singers on the government payroll: Taylor Swift, Post Malone, and Sabrina Carpenter. Why he feels this way is not for me to explain and is more for him to explain on his Substack whenever he creates one in the next decade or two. From this, I brought up how Sabrina Carpenter’s aunt is Nancy Cartwright, the voice behind Bart Simpson and a top member of the Church of Scientology. She donated $10 million to the Church once, which was almost twice her annual salary at the time. That’s how Scientologisty she is. There’s a rumor that Tom Scientologist Cruise is trying to get Nancy Cartwright to convince her niece, Sabrina Carpenter, to become the new face of Scientology so that all of us youths join. Too late, Tom! Sabrina is already making money off of Kamala Harris¹.

So this made us think about The Simpsons. What religion might they be? What religion might a lot of cartoon families be? These are the questions that no one is answering at these stupid little presidential debates. The Simpsons are probably Scientologists. I do feel pretty confident about that. I think the entire town of Springfield (the one from the show, not the one where cats and dogs are allegedly getting eaten or the other one where Abraham Lincoln lived or the other one in Massachusetts or, like, any of the other ones) is probably a Scientologist town. And then there’s the Griffins from Family Guy who I think are ostracized Mormons. There’s something about how Peter Griffin dresses and acts that leads me to believe that they all used to live in a Mormon community and were kicked out, so now they’re sort of no religion. The family in Bob’s Burgers is Jewish, but they don’t know it. Only the daughter Tina knows it, for some reason. Timmy Turner and his family from The Fairly Oddparents are Irish Catholics, for sure. They don’t go to church, but Timmy is baptized. Jimmy Neutron’s family are Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I don’t need to explain. Courage the Cowardly Dog is owned by members of the Illuminati; he is always terrified and for good reason. Spongebob, Patrick, and Squidward are atheists.

So those are my thoughts on that. If you disagree or have any ideas about other cartoon characters and their religious beliefs, please comment those below. I could use them for my dissertation. What dissertation, Kerry? Why would I know that!

---

The season 50 premiere of Saturday Night Live is next weekend with Jean Smart as the host and Jellyroll (I do not know who this is) as the musical guest. They announced the hosts and musical guests of the next five shows, which are Jean Smart, Jellyroll, Ariana Grande, Stevie Nicks, Nate Bargatze, Coldplay, Michael Keaton, Billie Eilish, John Mulaney, and Chappell Roan. Even if it wasn’t the fiftieth season, these would be impossible shows to get into. Now, every youth knows how to sign up faster than the generation before them, and there is simply no way for us to train ourselves to work even quicker at getting a low number. But also, with the rise of social media and TikTok and celebrities being more famous than ever, it’s hard to see SNL as the show it once was (I’m acting like I’ve been around since the beginning): a comedy show. Now, it’s about big names and cast members feeling like they need to compete with each other for airtime.

this is not Faye Dunaway it’s Bown Yang

I think the hosts should be random people who aren’t famous at all. I would sit on the couch Saturday night and watch the mailman from my childhood, Taylor, host Saturday Night Live with musical guest Paul McCartney. The musical guest should still be someone super famous. I wanna see my cousin Tommy on the studio 8H floor shouting, “We’ve got a great show tonight. Lady Gaga is here, so stick around, and we’ll be right back!” I want my boss at BAGGU playing fraternal twins with Sarah Sherman inside the green screen belly of Bowen Yang. Is this truly too much to ask?!?!?!

I’m being told that it is. And since it is, here are my other ideas for hosts and musical guests:

• Dakota and Elle Fanning together — no musical guest

• ABBA hologram — hosts and musical guest

• King Charles — not counting on this being a good episode but we can’t win every time

• Lady Diana’s ghost as host and Jack Schlossberg as musical guest

• Mother Teresa cameo but not as host nor musical guest

• Bono hosting and then all of his kids as musical guests playing U2 songs

  • same thing with Nick Cannon and all of his children

• Ms. Frizzle as both host and musical guest

• BAGGU medium nylon crescent bag as both

• Paris Hilton (this one I’m serious about it would be so good)

• Mr. Clean

• my aunt’s dog Pips (Pips would finally get canceled)

Just some ideas!!!

---

That’s all I have for you this week. Lots to think about on your end, and not a lot to think about on my end which is exactly what I want. I want to feel like I’m on vaycay after I publish Circle Back, and I want all of you to feel like you have another full-time job. This is real life, kiddos. Circle Back isn’t about relaxing; it’s about having a hard time sleeping and feeling out of shape (?).

Have a gorgeous week!

---

tv show rec: The English Teacher starring Brian Jordan Alvarez — I’m in on this one, yall

music rec: Not God album by Finom — and while you’re at it, buy a ticket to their tour!!!!

liquid rec: water with electrolytes — i just took a two-hour nap and feel so dehydrated

podcast rec: don’t be afraid of the caption on this video just watch the video

1. this means nothing