katy perry and gayle king blowing up in space tomorrow will begin the worldwide recession

i will be taking no questions at this time

I believe it was God who said to Noah, “If you build it, they will come.” And that is precisely what keeps happening each time I build a home in a new apartment: a mouse appears. Therefore, in conclusion, if Noah had never built the Ark, there would be no mice in my Brooklyn apartment. There would be no mice in Brooklyn at all. But instead, we have mice. Instead, we have an extinct wolf that has been brought back to life. We can bring back dire wolves, but we can’t stop my apartment from having a mouse? We’re spending billions of dollars on bringing back an extinct animal? Girl, the tariffs!

I can’t even tell if this is all AI or if it’s real. George, get back in the studio and fix what you did to Game of Thrones; we don’t have the time or energy for you to be messing around like this.

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I don’t know what LA does to people, but it is definitely pulling my dad into several (3) culty directions. First, it was Hollywood — a very pretty cult that is difficult to avoid. Then, it was Scientology, although that came from thinking he was going to an acting class that was at the address of one of the Churches of Scientology. They showed him two videos, and to this day, I don’t know if my dad is a member now or not. Thirdly, and hopefully lastly, it’s SHEN YUN. Yes, Shen Yun. We’ve all heard of it. We all see the posters randomly put up on windows of cafes and the ads in the trains with quotes from Cate Blanchett that say, "Exquisitely beautiful!” Yes, that Cate Blanchett. There’s a New Yorker article that reached out to her team for comment, but she did not respond.

There are all of these random quotes that read extremely made up and are supposed to convince you to want to go. Well, it convinced my dad, and he went. I really didn’t believe that he went or that he was going when he first told my brother and me about it. Shen Yun is one of those things where you always see the ads for it because it’s always right around the corner. There’s always a Shen Yun show coming up next month. But not once have I ever heard of anyone actually going to the show. Until my dad.

This was at the gym today:

It’s alwaaaaaays next week. Always coming up soon! Only actually happening when my dad goes to see it. If that’s even … true …

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Tomorrow, Katy Perry will be on Jeff Bezos’s rocketship heading to space. Imagine this:

and this:

but in this suit:

Katy Perry’s spacesuit has bell bottoms — for why? For fashion, for love, for humanity, for art … for all of the KatyCats.

I really hope she doesn’t explode up there. That means Gayle King will also explode. And I don’t hope they don’t explode because it would be really sad; it’s more that it would be so random. Like … there’s already so much going on, and then suddenly we have to start talking about how Katy Perry blew up in space? In this economy? Will it distract from the oncoming recession? Yes. Will it begin the oncoming recession? Also yes. But the one thing it will NOT do is make me lose sleep. Oh, Katy Perry blew up in space on Jeff Bezos’s rocketship? Well, why are we still friends with Jeff Bezos? Why are we on a spaceship owned by the guy who owns Whole Foods? Sounds expensive and like there’s probably not gonna be great produce on that trip. She could’ve thought this through a little more, methinks¹.

Why are they doing this, by the way? I literally just asked myself that out loud and then typed it. Y’all are stepping into the mind of a voice of a generation right now. Jeff Bezos’s fiance is also going. Really quickl

y, this is what she looks like:

Have we already gotten the OK that this amount of work done on a face will not be in danger in space? I’ve thought about how badly written that question is for at least a minute, but there’s truly no better way to say it. I feel pretty confident that most astronauts have not gotten significant amounts of plastic surgery, so I just feel like we haven’t checked all of the boxes for this flight. No judgement about plastic surgery; people can get as much work done as they want. But space doesn’t accommodate for all choices.

Anyway, if they play Firework when the rocketship takes off tomorrow, you all owe me a paid subscription to Circle Back.

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I’ve gotten back into going to the gym daily. It’s really important to go to the gym so that you can become a perfect-looking person. Currently, the answer to how many times you need to go to become that is not seven. It is also not eight. Nine? We’ll find out soon enough! You’ll probably get that answer either right before or right after Katy Perry gets slingshot into space.

One thing that happened to me this week is that I citibiked past Jeremy Strong whilst he was walking his dog. He had a really big beard and sunglasses on. And then I wondered, if I got hit by a car in front of Jeremy Strong, would he stay method, or would he call an ambulance?

And that’s the end of that!

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I hope everyone has a good week. Keep going to the gym. Keep drinking water. Keep watching the new season of Hacks. Cece Heaumeaux? Are you kidding me? Perhaps the greatest name I’ve ever heard on television. That kind of comedy just Keeps Me Going.

So long, everyone. If you have any questions about anything, please do not ask me.

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movie rec: Party Girl (1995) — just have fun

music rec: the Metamorphosis (2003) album by Hilary Duff

a song to hum to yourself and/or others: I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers

1. I have always wanted to use that word before, and this felt like the perfect opportunity.