God's plan for me does not involve a matcha latte
no further questions
28 is one of the oldest ages you can be. How do I know that 28 is the real age of adulthood? How do I know that every age before 28 was childhood? I’ll tell you. Follow me.
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Thanks for following.
There was a *spoiler alert* mouse in my apartment the other day. When I saw it running across my sink, I just sighed and said, “Ugh, really.” When there have been mice in the past, I have jumped in the air and screamed and seen my life flash before my eyes.
This is adulthood. Before 28, I was standing on chairs so that the big bad mouse could not reach me. And now? I go to the sink and watch the mouse mosey across like he’s the one paying rent. I just didn’t give Remy1 the reaction he wanted. When he noticed that I noticed him, he tried to hide behind a carafe on the counter. Little does that freaking moron know, the carafe is see-through. Read a book, sucker.
I did set up a trap. I set up two humane traps on both sides of the counter. He was not trapped in the morning, but he was trapped by 5 pm the following day. I citibiked him to a garden in Greenpoint (you need to set them free at least two miles away, or else they will return). When I unleashed him into the garden, he chose the sidewalk to sprint off instead. Once a city mouse, always a city mouse. What if it was citimouse? Like citibike. No, that’s not anything.
In this segment, I’m going to give you my #subwaytakes, inspired by Kareem Rahma’s show, Subway Takes, where he asks someone what their take is and they give it and then he either 100% agrees or 100% disagrees. Here they are:
If you don’t clean up your dog’s poop on the sidewalk or the grass, you should be on a nationally recognized website that says you are banned from owning a pet.
Biking on the sidewalk is more dangerous than biking on the street.
This also goes for delivery cyclists/bikers.
New York City coffee shops have bad drip coffee.
If you feel confident in the outfit you’re wearing, then it's a good outfit.
Turkey is planting chips into the veneers that everyone is getting there.
Turkey is cloning all of the people who go there to get veneers.
Citibike™ is stealing money from us. I’m still gonna pay for the membership.
Why did my hour-long bike ride from Bedstuy to the Upper West Side of Central Park only cost $5.88, but my 20-minute bike ride from Bedstuy to Park Slope cost $4.90? Riddle me that, Steve Jobs (I don’t know who owns Citibike or Lyft or Citibank).
Pickleball is not a good enough sport or be a real sport.
God’s plan for me does not involve matcha lattes.
This one wouldn’t work for Subway Takes, but it’s a take I do believe in.
The best joke is about comedic timing and not about what you said.
Regular Coke is just as good, if not better, than Diet Coke.
This one could publicly ruin me.
Those are my current Subway Takes. Please comment yours below.
Last week, I went through a really weird phase of watching all eight Mission Impossible movies for the first time. I watched all of them in a week. I don’t know what was going on with me. I just had a 48-hour flu right before it, and my face got really dry. These two factors most likely cause some kind of brain malfunction, and it turned me into an action movie advocate.
And let me tell you something about what I learned: Tom Cruise may be a freaking weirdo freak, but that boy is a movie star. I was hooked. I was at the edge of my seat! I was watching that little man with the Napoleon complex climb on the outside of planes thousands of feet in the air! I was watching that tiny little guy who has doors cut to look shorter on his movies so that he looks taller skydive off of the Burj Khalifa. And I’ve thought about that scene for a while, and I do believe that it was unnecessary to further the story!
This teensy tiny little risky business boy is rockclimbing in Utah and almost falling to his death as a bit just to get asked on the red carpert about what he’s doing for Father’s Day:
Hey, just having fun, man. Making movies, big adventure, having a great time. If my dad said that to me, I would call his primary doctor and the police. He’s dangling on the sides of planes just as often as he’s praying to L. Ron Hubbard. What a guy. A freak. But those movies? 3.5 stars out of 5 in my Letterboxd account, honey.
Something I saw the other day:
We are about to witness the fall of Emmanuel Macron. If there’s one thing the French know how to do, it’s smoke a cigarette. And if there was a second, just as powerful, thing that the French know how to do, it’s protest. And if there was a third, it would be baguette.
I’ve been having a hard time figuring out how to write about serious stuff, and it’s been delaying my Circle Backs. Obviously, I want this to be a fun thing to read, but I also want to give my thoughts and questions about the things that affect us and others every day. I’m working on figuring out how to incorporate jokes into those sections, but I don’t want to make stupid jokes (even though I’ve never made a stupid joke in my life); I want them to be good.
Recently, during this graduation season, my entire Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram pages are of students holding up Free Palestine signs at their commencement ceremonies. They’re of valedictorians going against the speeches they’ve dreamed of for four years and instead talking about how their universities are knowingly funding a genocide. I see videos of the Irish rap group Kneecap making political statements that denounce Israel and support Palestine. And then I see headlines of these students and these valedictorians getting their diplomas taken from them because of their brave protesting and headlines condemning Kneecap for hating a country that’s murdering an entire history of people. I’m seeing students and a band being held to a higher ethical standard than politicians who are rejecting international law.
Isn’t that kind of … stupid? These universities think their students are afraid of not receiving a piece of paper that they only get the privilege of receiving in exchange for their silence. Zionists believe a band will be destroyed for their public views that people still think are worse views than thinking it’s wrong of a country to ethnically cleanse another.
History will remember where we stood! Don’t be stupid!
Thank you all for reading. Please tell me your Subway Takes. Please do not play pickleball when you could be watching TV. And please enjoy the first week of June.
movie rec: in the voice of Lucille Bluth, “Here’s some money, go see a Mission Impossible”
reading rec: “The Encampments” and the American College Student
music rec: the album Bloodless by Samia
fashion rec: socks and a jelly heel
the mouse
fabulous subway takes, fabulous issue of circle back