feeling so blessed right now that i can eat bread
it's so important to appreciate the little things ... like not having a gluten intolerance
I wrote that headline days ago — I want everyone to know that:
July 10th. It just felt so right to me.
My heart goes out to the people who cannot consume gluten. We do this for you.1
Trump got shot??? You guys will do anything to take the attention away from Taylor Swift's 11th re-release of Snowfall or whatever her most recent album is called. Like come on, guys; it's her 11th re-release! She needs the attention how dare u
Obviously, I do not condone violence, and it’s horrible that there were victims of this event; we also know that Trump is Never Gonna Shut Up about this. If he didn’t have the election before (he did), he for sure has it now. He’s literally about to win the Nobel Peace Prize for this, and Biden is gonna be the one to give it to him.
Also, not to be that girl about Democrats right now, but I’m gonna be that girl about Democrats right now. You’re all posting heartfelt messages about Trump after this. Still no messages about what you’re all doing to Palestine? To the people there who aren’t coming close to death, but are actually dying? Just wondering about that.
I’m already seeing conspiracy theories about this, which is crazy. It was staged, a reincarnated JFK Jr. was standing behind him — ya know, the classic two. There’s always an answer. There’s always a secret. Nothing can ever just be an attempted assassination anymore! I wish we could go back to the times when assassinations of presidents were all that they were — when those historic moments ended up in National Treasure: Book of Secrets instead of in conspiracy TikToks on my For You Page. And the tweets that are coming out of this event …
This tweet is so funny to me. Like, responsible for what? Forcing us to watch Carpool Karaoke so much because their talk shows are too boring to enjoy instead?2 If that tweet is about us having to watch Carpool Karaoke, then, yes, I agree and will retweet.
And only a few days later, J.D. Vance has been chosen as Trump’s running mate, which we all saw coming. What do the J and D even stand for? J(Vladimir) D(Putin)? And not only that, but my landlord is trying to ghost us and not give us our security deposit back. And not only THAT, but I have a w*rt on my toe now, and I’m already exhausted by the thought of having to remove it. And not only THAT, but I got a free drip coffee today after buying coffee beans, and half of the drip coffee was gone when I returned home because the to-go Coffee Cup Covers Are Shit And You Can Never Be Safe With Them And They’ve Been Like This For Decades Of Years3 so half the coffee spilled out and by the time I got home I was so mad I’m not even kidding. AND NOT ONLY THAT no I’m just kidding that’s enough.
I was gonna most likely circle back to my title about feeling so blessed to be able to eat bread, but now it just … doesn’t work. We can’t have normal presidential assassination attempts, anymore, and we can’t talk about being able to eat bread. What is the world coming to? Ya know, kids, when I was your age, John Wilkes Booth meant something. Lee Harvey Oswald meant something (this assassination being a CIA involvement conspiracy is one I do, in fact, believe in, so where are those TikToks, huh). John Hinckley Jr. MEANT SOMETHING. SOURDOUGH STARTER MEANT SOMETHING. But now we’re gluten-free. Because of woke.
Well, I’m not really sure where I was going with that, but I think it’s fine. There’s an alleged hurricane in Chicago tonight, so everybody go watch season three of The Bear. And if you’re going to Pitchfork Music Festival this weekend, I hope to see you there! And if anyone knows how to remove a w*rt overnight whilst I’m sleeping, please let me know. I seriously do not want to deal with that like I can’t be thinking about that right now.
Movie rec: Ratatouille (2007) — c’est magnifique
Music rec: Nothing by Sima Cunningham — first single off her record High Roller releasing on August 30th!!
Conspiracy theory to spiral about: Edgar Degas is Jack the Ripper
Do what, Kerry? What does that mean?
I’m so sorry, Seth Meyers, I didn’t mean that. I still love u & I don’t even know why.
Decades of years? is that something people say no it’s not