ALL MY HOMIES SUPPORT TRANS RIGHTS
fuck u donald trump and jd vance and marjorie taylor greene and keith self and jk rowling and
Girls, it’s official: I am in on Madame Secretary. There is nothing more to say about that, except that Téa Leoni must’ve been the Secretary of State in another dimension because she is really good at her job. I have nothing more to say about this.
Did anyone hear about the horrific weather that New York City endured this past Saturday? It was a sunny, 80-degree day, and everyone was at the parks: Central, Prospect, McCarren — aka the Holy Trinity. THEN, IN A MATTER OF SECONDS AND BY SECONDS, I DO MEAN SECONDS, the temperature dropped 20 degrees. The crowd at McCarren Park, which is where I was, went from this:
to this:
There’s simply no other way to explain it to you.
I’ve never seen so many people in Brooklyn embarrassed to be outside. New York had been waiting for one good weather day, and we all took advantage of it. No one prepped for a potential chill in the air at any point. We couldn’t believe it; it was SUMMERTIME on March 29, 2025, which is exactly when summer begins in my calendar. It’s in your calendar, too — take a look!
Did you look? That’s silly; I don’t know why you did that.
Anyway, we appreciate all the thoughts and prayers you can muster1 and hope you never have to go through something like that. 80 degrees and then suddenly 57 degrees? What a hardship, truly.
I know I’m late to the game, but I just wanna say that I think it’s really cool that Pete Hegseth included The Atlantic’s editor-in-chief on the #WarPlansGroupChat. It’s really important that our government keeps us in the know on all things so that we can feel like they’re here for us and not just for themselves, and it’s so great that Pete Hegseth feels the same way.
Ya know, you try to be there for Pete Hegseth on a huge news outlet like Circle Back, and then he goes and blows his cover. I try and I try and I try and I get no respect. From this point on, I’m gonna STOP standing up for this Cabinet. I thought it was the right thing to do, even though you all kept being like, Kerry, they’re bad people and Kerry, do you know how to read? and Kerry, what in the fresh hell is wrong with you? and Kerry, we’d really appreciate it if you didn’t hang out with us, anymore. It’s just, you’re kind of an energy vampire with the way you are always taking the side of monsters in our current government. It really doesn’t make sense, even though you said that the reason you do that is because one time you looked into Melania Trump’s eyes when they were like this:
and also one other time when they were like this:
and suddenly, you became devil’s advocate for the literal devils. We just really don’t get it, and we’re going to remove you from the group chat.
That was actually a text I got today because of my horrendous views. Oh, wait, I just got another text:
Throwing a surprise party for JD. Vance in August for his birthday. Maybe we can blow up a small country instead of smuggling fireworks in from Indiana? LMK what you guys think! SATURDAYS ARE FOR THE BOYS haha 🔥🔥💃🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Okay, so I think maybe I was put in the wrong group chat. I see what y’all are talking about now.
Wow, lots of Trumpy shit in Circle Back today! I’m trying to be more political in my writing. Not seeing a lot of this political voice in the news, so I think I’m nailing it. I can’t believe you all get to read this for free. THANKS OBAMA.
So I went to the gynecologist the other morning QUITE THE TRANSITIONAL PARAGRAPH, and my gyno was so good at being a girl’s girl. My appointment was at 8:45 in the morning — I don’t think I’ve ever had a gynecologist appointment after 9 AM, but something about going to a gynecologist at 1 PM feels way too vulnerable. I feel like I could’ve added the word “gynecologist” a third time in that sentence, but c’est la vie.
Anyway, I was sitting in the little room for, like, 10 minutes, and then the gyno burst in and shouted, “SO, yourperiod’samess,huh?” And I was like, “Yeah, I’ve had it four times this month (don’t worry, Circle Back readers, I am fine),” to which she replied, “Uh, ya; a MESS.” And then I thought, …goddammit, she’s RIGHT. And then she started talking about all the reasons why this could happen, and I’m gonna be honest, I wasn’t listening. But then I was listening enough to hear that I’m most likely fine, but that if things don’t change
Her: Why dontchya gimme a call before we need to move forward with anything else?
Me: Why, do you wanna hang out or something?
^ too early in the day for that joke
^^ too gynecologist office for that joke
Her: 😂
I just don’t know if I will ever be able to be serious in a room like that. One time, my back was hurting a lot, so I went to get an X-ray, and when I came back for the follow-up, I said, “SO, what’s the drama — do I have scoliosis or something? Haha,” and the doctor said,
“Yes.”
And that’s a direct quote.
Perhaps I think that if I make a joke in a doctor’s office, the reason for being there won’t feel as serious. Doctor’s offices are waaaay too serious for no reason,2 and I Do Not Like It. I think that I either have to become a comedian or a surgeon when I grow up. It’s one or the other. They’re the only two things I feel confident in, skill-wise. I’ve made just as many jokes in my life as I’ve done open-heart surgeries. Okay, now I’ve made one more joke than I’ve done open-heart surgeries. Ugh, okay, seriously, someone take my computer away from me.
That is allllllllll for tonight, Circle Backers. What should the fans of the newsletter be called?
□ Circulars
□ Circular Backs
□ Directioners
□ Geniuses
□ Cuties
□ [Add Your Own]
Go ahead and print this page out, check off the box that you agree with, and mail it to me at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500.
movie rec: Mickey 17 (2025) — a little on the nose, but it made me believe that Robert Pattinson could play Spongebob if he wanted to
book rec: I am currently loving A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
music rec: my Album of the Year — Earthstar Mountain by Hannah Cohen
It’s orange juice, and it is refreshing.
truly not a good enough reason to use the word “muster”
they are just serious enough, actually
keep the politics coming mama!!
why do my legs look like spongebob