yes i know the newsletter is a day late but it was on purpose i never make mistakes
are u guys mad at me
Hello, hello, yes, I bet you thought you had seen the last of me since the Circle Back newsletter did not show up in your email (or your Substack app if you’re a real one) last night. But alas, it is I, and I have a really good excuse as to why I did not send it out by 7 pm Eastern Standard Time on May 1, 2022. I was in Central Park, and there was a guy busking. But it wasn’t your typical busking; it was a speaker playing music and a guy playing air guitar but as a bass guitar. And I say that specifically because he was doing electric guitar solos but playing in the air like it was a bass guitar. This is important for context. Anyway, this concert went on for 12 hours, and I watched the entire thing. I’ll tell ya this much: it was a tearjerker.
I’m just kidding, everyone! I was waiting for the Met Gala to happen, which happens on a Monday and not a Sunday, and it would’ve been too late to talk about the Met Gala next Sunday. Sometimes, we have to make sacrifices in order for perfection.
Before we get into the Met Gala, I will do a very normal, very chill, very chic newsletter and talk about all the things. What we’re going to start with this evening are two very important status updates from the only and only Michele with one L (my birthgiver). The first one is a tweet she wrote about getting the Rona 17 months ago:
This was so crazy to me because she didn’t even give us all the details! Not only did she lose her smell and taste; she gained her hearing back! It’s a miracle! G*d is real! This is a joke that I thought about for a while and chose not to say in a more clever way, and I will admit that I regret not following through on making it wittier. This is all practice, folks. The joke stays.
The second one is a recent Facebook status:
Here, we see that Michele with one L just wants to inform us of a worldwide pandemic that we are too ignorant to even worry about. Sometimes, we be havin two different-sized feet. Sometimes, we be findin out earlier in life when we’re buying basketball shoes for our seventh-grade basketball team, and sometimes, we be finding out when we go to REI to get a new pair of whatever shoes they sell (climbing shoes? hiking shoes? skis? what was Michele with one L in the process of purchasing? what was her plan this whole time? does 1L have another motive that we have yet to discover? tune in next week when we put Michele with one L to the test — the lie detector test, that is!).
The second best part of this status is 1L demanding that we all check our feet sizes ourselves exclamation point. We can’t move forward until everyone checks their feet sizes. She has changed the way I think of anything. How am I supposed to watch the Met Gala without thinking about the fact that Pete Davidson is probably wearing two different-sized Vans? This is anarchy! This is ludicrous!!! And what’s Ludacris gonna be wearing?!?!?!
Something that has begun to make me chuckle (a little laugh out loud ha ha) is when celebrities make political statements — not really even political statements but like statements that people like to make political — on social media. Par exemple:
There’s something about this that is so silly to me! This tweet isn’t actually doing anything, but AOC liked it, and so did 40,000 other people. So we all say, “Yes, Cyndi! Slay, girly! You are strong and brave!” It’s so easy to say anything on social media without actually acting on those things that we say. It’s so easy to be a virtue signaler. Not that I’m expecting Cyndia Lauper to prove that housing is a human right (not that it’s difficult to prove), but it fascinates me how so many people think that seeing their idols and their politicians say the right things that they will never act on is enough. Joe Biden said that student debt should be gone, but he just likes to say things to make us girlies smile! Another example is when Ellen DeGeneres would say, “Be kind to each other” at the end of each episode, but that didn’t mean she was gonna … like … be kind to others! Do we need any other examples? I always say that I’m gonna drink more water, but am I gonna do it? Tune in next week when I take a hydration tablet because I am, in fact, dehydrated.
I have nothing to say about this one I just like that she had to clarify what she meant by this.
I have nothing to say about this either, except je suis meilleur que toi, et c'est un fait français.
And now for the Met Gala!
I literally never know when the Met Gala is happening. Also … didn’t it, like, just happen a few months ago? The Met Gala feels like Selling Sunset or The Voice, where there are maybe 11 seasons of each every year. Last year, I only knew that it was happening because I opened up Twitter at, like, 5:07 pm Chicago time, and everyone was talking about how Kim Kardashian looked like a silhouette* of herself. But THIS time, I found out just in time. A few days ago, I said to my friend, “I wonder when the Met Gala is.” And to that my friend replied, “It is this weekend, Kerry.” And to that I replied, “What the heck.”
*I couldn’t think of the word, silhouette, and kept typing “stiletto” until my friend told me that wasn’t the word.
I’ll begin by saying that Miranda Priestly I mean Anna Wintour looks great. Just wanted to say on the record that I feel this way and that I am ready for my invite to the Met Gala 2023, or maybe the second Met Gala 2022 in a few weeks.
So far, here’s the only Met Gala guest who matters:
I don’t mean to be dramatic, but then again, this is the Met Gala so I have to be dramatic: I would take a bullet for Michelle Yeoh. What a weird saying. It’s almost as weird as someone saying they would catch a grenade for you. That would be a really good lyric, actually.
Just as a sidebar: my friend and I were talking about celebrities we would take a bullet for, and the vote was unanimous — Sandra Bullock.
Now I’m just gonna cut straight to the look we were all waiting for: Kim Kardashian in the same Bob Mackie dress that the lil miss Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.”
I mean ………… are you kidding me? I have no notes. I, as a fashion icon, have no notes. But also this just makes sense. You’re all gonna make fun of me for this, but I’m not afraid to say it: Kim Kardashian is the Marilyn Monroe of our time. She’s gorgeous, smart, highly respected in her field (being a celeb), and is a fashion trendsetter* — perhaps she’s a good actress, too? I mean, she really did it well on Saturday Night Live when she hosted. Speaking of, has anyone watched the new episode of The Kardashians? I haven’t seen in it, yet, so don’t tell me anything.
*I couldn’t think of the word “trendsetter” and kept saying “Kim is changin the fashion game she is doin the damn thing she is setting trends” and my friend said, “Kerry, the word is trendsetter.”
The category is: war criminal!
Alright, I’m not gonna lie, I stopped watching. Was it worth it for me to post this a day late just to not watch the entire Met Gala? You better shut your damn mouth this is my newsletter and I never make mistakes.
EDIT: While I was writing this newsletter, I discovered that the Supreme Court voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, and of course, it’s when we’re all waiting to see Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson make their Met Gala appearance! So sneaky! So absolutely fucked up! Just wanted to put that in here post-publishing because there is no way I’m ignoring that little INSANE breaking news! More to come next newsletter.
I hope you enjoyed this belated Circle Back newsletter! I know I did. Okay, anything else?