why does the super bowl get more views than my youtube channel?
probably because i do not have a youtube channel. that can be the only reason.
Good evening, everyone. I’m gonna start this week’s newsletter with this callback to a previous newsletter:
These are the things I think about constantly. These are the intelligent thoughts that should be paying my rent.
I was actually gonna postpone my newsletter until tomorrow because I know everyone’s watching the Super Bowl, which is weird because it’s famously the least-watched live show in history. I was also gonna postpone because I figured there’d be some things to write about from the halftime show. And finally, I was also gonna postpone because I forgot that I didn’t write it, yet. Then I decided that I could just guess the results of it all and write about it still on Sunday but after the game! Here are my thoughts on the Super Bowl:
Wow! Really fun and chic! Everyone played their part and remembered their lines. Loved that Zendaya commercial. Still don’t know why Matthew McConaughey was in space. My main takeaway from the halftime show was that I did not see any of the vendors selling mom’s spaghetti in the stadium — not something to be proud of, Eminem. Also, you’re gonna have Eminem perform but not the green M&M perform? After everything she’s been through in the past couple of months? Shame on you, National Football Losers. I’m going to give the lil show a four out of 10 because there were no rams or Bengal tigers to be found. Just as Ja Rule has said before, I do not like being hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hoodwinked, or led astray, and the Super Bowl did just that when they had none of these things I mentioned two sentences earlier. A huge L by the NFL. Fav commercial of the night is the Lindsay Lohan one. Anytime Lindsay is trading DUIs for DIYs, sign me up. Also, anytime Lindsay is doing anything, sign me up. She’s more talented than any football player on that field and deserves to have her own halftime show. Lindsay Lohan rapping Lose Yourself? Lindsay Lohan shouting, “It’s the D O double G Snoop Dogg?” How can you say no to that?
I really do not understand football. What’s even happening out there? Why is everyone fighting over this lil Hey Arnold-lookin ball? Why can’t we just give a football to everyone on the team, and then we don’t need to have a whole day of boys fighting over it? And yes, I know the game is only like four hours long, but it felt like my mom was watching DA Bears all day on Sunday days or Monday nights. It was an all-day event in my house. When DA Bears were playing, I was not allowed in the living room. The only time I was allowed in the living room was if I happened to be in there when DA Bears got a touchdown because then that meant that I was good luck. If I was in the living room and the other team got a touchdown, I was then officially banned from the living room until NCIS was on after the game. So, yeah, as you can see I have war flashbacks to football games on the TV, but I have happy memories of Agent Gibbs. I just wanna be able to hang out in the living room and watch my commercials. Is that too much to ask?
These are the important stories that need to be on the front pages of the newspapers, everybody. We NEED to address the possible prostituting occurring in the ice shanties. First order of business: ice shanties. What the heck are they? An ice shanty is like a little shed that you put on the ice when you be ice fishing up a storm on an Ohio lake (in this case, but also in any case). Second order of business: what is the past trauma of Hudson Mayor Craig Shubert that is causing him to worry about prostitution happening in the ice shanties? Did something happen when he was ice fishing on the lake of Ohio? Was he not able to keep his catch of the day because the ice shanty was occupado? Or is he angry that whatever happens in the ice shanties is allowed to happen because of maritime law? Follow-up question: what is maritime law? Also, why is Hudson Mayor Craig so confident in his belief that ice shanties are going to bring more prostitution? What if people are using it to sing sea shanties? Speaking of sea shanties, I have one for YOU, Mr. Hudson Mayor Craig: When the ice shanties are rockin, don’t come a-knockin!
The Olympics have been happening this week, as well as other weeks, I think. But THIS week, Shaun White snowboarded on his final Olympic half-pipe, and boy did he write the most beautiful caption in honor of it:
A man of literally no words. Shaun White didn’t need a long paragraph talking about his time in the Olympics. He had not one person to thank. The only thing that deserved a shout-out was the goddamn snowboarding itself. Also, I like that he fell in his final run. That humanized him, and that’s what I look for in Olympians. I want to see them do something I know I can do. I could win a gold medal in falling on my stupid face. But this isn’t about me. This is about Shaun White’s post-Olympics writing career. If anyone has any writing job prospects, please let me know first, and if I don’t want it, please let Shaun White know second.
I’m not gonna keep y’all from your little TV game, so I’ll only talk about one more topic: the Academy Awards, baby! The best picture nominees are Belfast, CODA, Don’t Look Up, Drive My Car, Dune, King Richard, Licorice Pizza, Nightmare Alley, The Power of the Dog, and West Side Story. I’ll tell you right now that if you don’t see CODA or Drive My Car before March 27th, then … well … ok I don’t know right now what will happen, but it’s gonna be bad. I saw Drive My Car earlier today, and I am literally still thinking about it whilst watching the Super Bowl (commercials). If you’re not afraid of subtitles, you’re going to agree with me that it’s one of the best movies of the year. And if you’re not afraid of deaf people, then you’re going to agree that CODA is also one of the best coming-of-age movies in general. It’s very important that CODA was nominated for Best Picture, as well as Best Supporting Actor. Troy Kotsur is the first deaf actor to get nominated since Marlee Matlin in 1987 (our girly also won in 1987, so that was history-making, as well). Also, to have a coming-of-age film about a deaf family make it into the best pictures of the year brings tears to my friggin eyes. We need more deaf stories in the mainstream. If there aren’t, then I’m gonna have to do something about it. I have so much good content that should be in an HBO Max series. Just ask my mom.
Okay, my fellow athletes! I hope this newsletter was more exciting than the sports game playing on your television sets! If it wasn’t, don’t tell me! And to everyone who didn’t call me out for not publishing this by 7 pm tonight, I have one thing to say:
Thank you, snowboarding.