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It’s on rainy days like today where I often sit at the Baggu front of house, look out the window, and wonder about my very distant Civil War husband Cornelius. The rain persuades me to write yet another soon-to-be returned letter to him, although we must look at the cauldron half-full! Were there cauldrons during the Civil War? I don’t know. Anyway, we must see the world positively and believe that my sweet Cornelius will respond to this letter. Anyway, let my quill Get To Work!
My love! Where are you! Why haven’t you been responding! Are you dead! If you are dead, blink once. If you are alive, please blink twice and answer this letter. Ugh, Cornelius. It has been so cuckoo bananas recently. SAG-AFTRA has gone on strike, which is a union for media types, like actors and stuff. A good example for you — since you’re a Civil War soldier who knows absolutely nothing — of someone who would be in this union (not like the Union and the Confederacy) is actor John Wilkes Booth. He is probably a member. If you see him, maybe try to convince him to cross the picket line; he very much needs to be blacklisted before anything … murderous happens. A lot of the newspapers have been trying to explain to us who the president of SAG is and why she’s important, but it’s literally Fran Drescher. Like, we need a lesson on who “The Nanny” is? Please. Headlines from the British Broadcasting Corporation saying, “Who is Fran Drescher, the sitcom star taking on Hollywood?” The media these days really believes we’re unintelligent. And you know what? They’re right. Who is that girl.
Dearest Corn, what are we to do about the whales that keep sinking boats?! Will this war that you are allegedly fighting in from 1861-1865 stop the whales? Or will it cause the boats to keep sinking? And should the boats continue to sink? Which side are we on in this specific war? Also, what side are you on? Confederacy? Union? I think that’s something we’ll just need to move on from. It’s important to separate the art from the artist, hahahahaha lol haha.
Things have really changed since you went to war. Basically, war isn’t very cool now, and men would prefer to be DJs or sit in crowded parks, charging people for one-minute poems. So when you return (I long for the day, Corn!), you have those options as careers.
Corn, I hope you’re alive and also livin it up out there at the war. I get quite a large discount at my bag store, and I know that’s something you’d like to use when you return. Overconsumption is what makes capitalism work, which is exactly what you’re fighting for. Oh, wait, I forgot which war you were in. Not the war on corporations, I see. I’d prefer you be fighting for the war on fashion, truly. Your soldier uniforms are horrendous. Hasn’t anybody ever heard of the color ochre? Read a book.
Speaking of books, I still can’t read! #1860sfemaleprobz
Cornelius, I have forgotten to inform you of Jane Birkin’s passing! While you do not know who that is, I am requesting you purchase a Birkin bag for me during the war because the bag is most likely the price of two sheep where you are. Here, it is $10,000. You will never see that money a day in your life, Corn. You haven’t been here in two centuries, almost. You don’t deserve a world where you get $10,000 and a Birkin bag and I get returned letters. You know what, Corn? Good-bye! Good-bye forever! How are you still in the Civil War when it ended centuries ago? Are you lying to me? Are you not really there? Are you actually trying to find your way home and you’re just lost? Aw, Corn! I can’t wait to see you!
Anyway, I hope that by the time you receive this letter, there is world peace and affordable housing for everyone. And I hope that we all have Birkin bags and that the planet cools down. And I hope that people start to know who Fran Drescher is.
Okay, good tidings, Cornelius! See you posthence.
One day we are all gonna find out where the fresh hell Cornelius is. And when we do, we’re going to rejoice and live and laugh and love and everyone’s gonna get a Birkin bag!
Next week, I will be at Pitchfork Music Festival in good ol Chicago, friggin Illinois, so the newsletta will have to come out on Monday. But don’t you worry! It’s going to be a flippin doozy.
movie rec: Mrs. Doubtfire — we all need a moment of joy this week, and it’ll be from watching this
book rec: just started reading Show Them a Good Time by Nicole Flattery … we will see how it goes
music rec: ur mom’s pretty little singin voice