What's something Dwayne Johnson, Elizabeth Holmes, and I have in common?

hint: it's black and it's a turtleneck

Hello, everyone! Welcome to my first newsletter. I want to preface this by letting you all know that I have no idea what I’m doing, but I actually know exactly what I’m doing because I know that I have no idea what I’m doing. Now that we’ve covered that, it’s time to read!

I don’t know if it’s because the internet is something we can’t live without anymore, or if it’s actually because the world is going absolutely insane, but it feels like way too much stuff happens every single week. I can’t remember the last time there was a week when nothing newsworthy happened. It’s exhausting; it’s overwhelming; it’s not a good enough reason to keep using semicolons for this sentence. But there’s always so much to talk about! Like, this week, it has been impossible not to discuss whatever the f is going on with John Mulaney. I know we’ll never know the full story because there is no reason for us to know that, but I do continue to feel bad for his wife, and I also continue to feel bad for Olivia Munn! The media has been making her look like a homewrecker for years, rather than write about why the men have decided to break up their marriages or their families for her. Maybe she’s just this perfect person who truly understands people and shows empathy towards the people who need it, and then those people realize that’s what they need in their lives right now. But that’s no fun. Let’s just blame this all on her again.

A fun thing that came out of this week was the Elizabeth Holmes trial. According to a reliable news source known as Twitter, there were a handful of people dressed like Holmes at the trial. We love this for the trial. I mean, I don’t care much for billionaires, especially the fraudulent ones (which is all of them), but I love an obsession. People seem to be obsessed with awful people. A famous example of that would be Ted Bundy. Fans would wait outside his trials so that they could maybe catch a glimpse of him. I would put Trump supporters in that same boat. Most of these people would’ve hated Trump before he ran for president. Now they wear his merch. Now, people are wearing Elizabeth Holmes merch, which could also be known as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson merch: a black turtleneck. I often wear a black turtleneck in the fall and winter, so it could also be considered Kerry Cunningham merch. If anyone is a fan of this, yet, I will be selling black turtlenecks that I bought at the Theranos gift shop.

The next big thing that happened this week was finding out that all of our protesting to end climate change finally worked! The government listened to us and ended its conservatorship of Mother Earth, and now she gets to live in peace and is able to work on herself and make her own music and have more children if she wants and just be a healthy woman. Oh, wait. Oh, wait, oh my God I’m so sorry. That’s actually Britney Spears who is going to get her conservatorship to end. Well, that’s pretty amazing, too. I’m happy for Britney. Ugh, that is so embarrassing I can’t believe I confused those two things so badly. That’s so funny, oh, my God, okay next topic.

The US Open has been going on this week. That’s when people play tennis on TV. Okay, well, that’s all I know about the US Open, so next topic!

Probably one of the biggest things in the news this week (other than the 20th anniversary of 9/11, although this may be bigger) was Steve from Blue’s Clues making a surprise appearance on all of our Twitter pages for the 25th anniversary of the show. In his video, he addressed us — the 24-30ish-year-olds who knew him when and told us that it wasn’t okay for him to bounce so suddenly when we were kiddos. I have a vague memory of him saying goodbye on the show and never returning and then me crying about it. He was so good at talking to us viewers, and he also used a little bit of American Sign Language when he spoke (which was a plus in my family). But in this video, he was letting us know that it’s important to process grief when someone leaves, whether it’s sudden or not. I think none of us knew we needed to hear this from good ol’ Steve, but it’s safe to say that I have attachment issues because of this exact moment back in 2002. It is also safe to say that if I saw Steve walking around Greenpoint, I would kiss him (with his consent).

Apparently, there’s going to be a show called The Activist with celebrity judges Usher, Priyanka Chopra, and Julianne Hough — all famous activists in their own right. For example, Hough fought to wear blackface so that she could truly be Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black, and I think that’s brave. Do I have to explain here that I’m kidding? I’m not trying to get canceled my first newsletter. Anyway, I’m excited about this. I think it’ll change the world even more than the Imagine video did.

The last thing I want to discuss in this first newsletter is how the past two years have put many of us kiddos in our 20s into a quarter-life crisis. I don’t think quarter-life crises are even discussed that often because the older gens believe we’re only in the positions we’re in because we’re lazy and complain a lot. That’s something we can discuss in detail another time because I do not have enough brain space right now to try to have that conversation, Alan. So many of us have dealt with traumatic experiences that we weren’t prepared for throughout our lives, but the pandemic and the personal hardships we all may be separately dealing with have sure made 2021 a total shitshow. While I won’t go into detail right now about what I’ve had to deal with because it’s not totally necessary at the moment, I did ask my mom if I could blame her and my dad for putting me into what I would believe is a quarter-life crisis, and she said yes and that I could quote her. So here is her quote:

I don’t know what “Don’t be Irish” means, but I’m not gonna worry about that right now, and neither should you. I also want to clarify that I’m not blaming others for why I’m struggling to be an adult, but I’m also not not doing that. Grammarly is telling me to remove that extra “not,” but I won’t do it.

Well, I hope this was an alright first newsletter. I will throw some photos of myself at the bottom to commemorate my first week living in Brooklyn. And in the words of Cher’s Twitter account:

Oh, whoops, sorry wrong one.

me in the city of big apples

this one’s for my fans