what do you call a balloon that is spying on us even though the government is in all of our phones?

totalitarianism! good thing the US doesn't do that, huh?

I’m waking up with quite a headache because I got home after work on the coldest day of the year thus far discovering that the heat in my apartment wasn’t working. And then when I contacted my landlord about it, he blamed it on me having an air conditioner in my window eVeN tHoUgH tHe RaDiAtOrS wErE nOt oN. But alas, he came to fix them and then I was BOILING all night long. Not really sure which outcome I would’ve preferred. We move forward.

This past week, work at B*ggu has been very silly with the Spring collection release. And by silly, I mean the TikTokkers are being Put To Work. And not only are they being Put To Work, but they’re doing it For Free. There is a community of people on TikTok who are #obsessed with a capital # with B*ggu. They post about their bags constantly. And with the brand new Nylon Shoulder Bag that was just released, the videos are blowing up my feed! Here’s an examp:

@emilyliveshereReplying to @lainetalley NEW BAGGU DROP NOW ✨ @baggu 💜🌈 #baggu #baggugirl #baggutok #baggudrop #baggubag #baggugirly

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So, yeah, things like that. And then there are the WIMB girlies who post What’s In My Bag(gu) videos. And those videos are people posting about their Medium Nylon Crescent Bags, which are very good bags, and showing all of the same items as the last person — phone, keys, lotion, perfume, unread book, chic wallet, duct tape, rope, hammer, fake passport … uh … things we all carry in our bags! So, what these videos with thousands of views did was get people ready to storm the capitol (the B*ggu store). Each person that came in ran to the shoulder bags and shouted, “I SAW THIS ON TIKTOK.” And then they punched me in the face and ran off. That last part might’ve been a dream I had last night in my sweaty slumber. And then we sold out of stuff pretty quickly, which was not something the TikTokkers wanted to hear. But I am just doing my little job, ok? What do you want me to do, give you my Nylon Shoulder Bag? Oh, that is what you want me to do. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have some plans for the tape, rope, hammer, and fake passport in there.

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Here’s something that already has an event name:

A high-altitude balloon of Chinese origin is such a funny way to describe it, but it’s also important to know where the balloon is from since most of the balloons I purchase are made in England, Germany, and Mexico. If this balloon was spying on the United States, shouldn’t we be paying attention to all of the hot air balloons flying all over this country? If I was up there, I’d for sure be spying on everything below. Do you think we just go up there for the pretty view? No! We go up there for a better view … for spying.

How you handle your feelings about this situation is none of my business, but I hope we can all feel better knowing that President Biden is really taking the reigns on lowering inflation. Nothing to stress out about anymore!

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Something to actually stress out about: Ron DeSantis used to just be a figment of my imagination, and now he’s my dad’s governor. I’ve started to come to terms with the fact that my dad lives in Florida and that means that I have to go to Florida more than I ever thought I would in my life. And that’s fine. But RON DESANTIS? How can I enjoy a place that has a governor who doesn’t even know he’s the governor? He probably thinks that spy balloon had to be blown up the same way we blow up party balloons. Anyway, I have nothing more to say about that.

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Now, THIS is really a piece of news:

Here’s a closer lewk:

I’ve been trying to take selfies like that for years, and this girly just goes ahead and slays it? This is great PR for that new movie coming out about the bear who ate a bunch of cocaine. Oh, you haven’t seen that trailer? Well, when you do watch it, remember that it’s a true story.

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Alright, now I have something important to address here. I apologize if this upsets anyone, but it really needs to be talked about.

New York City. Got. Its Own. Bean. That’s right, everybody. New York has its own Bean sculpture by the same artist as THE BEAN™ in Chicago. Kerry, that’s cuckoo crazy! There’s no way. Oh.

photo: getty images

Way.

That’s right, everybody. New York City has declared war. And They Do Not Know Who They’re Messing With.

First of all, who puts a bean under a building? And also first of all, this isn’t even in the shape of a bean. And secondly, that view is horrible. Haven’t they seen the view you get from The Bean™? It’s embarrassing, truly. Is this Eric Adams’s new idea for a crime camera? The seven cops in each train station weren’t enough? You had to take our one incredible idea for a sneaky camera? Can New York never come up with their own stuff? You know what? It’s not even worth it to talk about this here. New York: you’ll be speaking to my lawyer, Rahm Emanuel. Oh, he’s not a lawyer? Well, then, you’ll be speaking to my lawyer, J.B. Pritzker. Oh, he’s not a lawyer, either? What does J.B. even stand for — Jesus Brist? FINE. Just wait until you meet my lawyer, Lori Lightfoot. Not a lawyer, either? Just a liar? It’s so easy to confuse the two!

New York, you’ll be speaking to my MOM, Michele Cunningham. Just wait until I’ll sick her on you. You come to us on the day of my mother’s trip to The Bean™, and you tell her that there’s another in New York? Do you know what she’s gonna say? I’m not tellin’ ya! You better learn some American Sign Language if you wanna know the few words that will ruin your dreams of a bean in New York, Rudolph Giuliani. Your bean is just gonna give us a better view of all of the rats running this city. Our bean? It’s all over Instagram, baby. #NoRatsAllowed.

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Someone told me the other day that they think I could write for something like SNL because my kind of comedy is and I quote, “I know it’s funny because I don’t get it all the time.” So if that doesn’t convince you, Colin Jost, I don’t know what will. But because of this high praise, I have some funny things to recommend:

I am on season two of The Sopranos, and for all of my Gen-Zers who haven’t watched, start watching. I’ve been laugh laugh laugh laughing.

Search Party. Too funny.

Hacks. One of the best comedies I’ve ever seen on TV.

Bad Sisters. Apple TV+. A group of Irish sisters. One of them is Bono’s daughter. Literally can’t be more Irish.

This video.

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movie rec: Norma Rae (1979)

book rec: still reading The Godfather

music rec: start catching up on your Rihanna hits before the Super Bowl or else you will be embarrassed

other comedian rec to appreciate: me