what do elizabeth holmes, anna delvey, and i all have in common?
we each wore a black turtleneck by the time we turned 25. and also we all committed felonies.
Starting off this week’s newsletter by reminding everyone that last week’s newsletter was posted on the last day of February, which means that this week’s newsletter is being posted in March. And what’s so special about March, you ask? First of all, stop asking dumb questions. And secondly, it’s my f r e a k i n g birthday month, y’all. This is a big one, too, everybody. I’m about to turn 25 in two Saturdays. It’s a quarter of a life that would end at 100. Since I’m not going to die at 100, it’s actually 1/5th of my life since I will be dying at 125-years-old. Don’t ask me how I know this. All I’m allowed to say, according to the NDA, is that someone very mysterious and powerful showed me how and when I die, and let me tell you — I’m never going on a water slide ever again.
But this is exciting! There’s so much that’s supposed to happen when you turn 25. You get a tattoo, you get a gym membership, you go through a quarter-life crisis; can you believe it? My very own quarter-life crisis!!! It’s so exciting to be part of this new group. Now, when I have to choose an age category in surveys and job applications, I’m moving down one! No longer 18-24, baby. I’m a real adult now. You thought I was an adult before (dontanswerthat)? Well, I sure fooled you. Get a good look at me, folks, because in two weeks I will have a full head of gray hair and cataracts. You won’t even recognize me after March 19th (that’s just a very low-key and smooth reminder that my birthday is on the 19th of March and to get your gifts in on time because it’s on a Saturday and the United States Postal Service does not work on Saturdays so if you don’t get them in before that then therefore in conclusion I will not get them until Aries season and none of us want that).
Alright, I’ll save you from any more talk about my birthday on March 19th which is the 19th of March which is at the end of Pisces season because if I keep talking about it, I’ll have nothing to talk about in March 20th’s newsletter! I’m protecting us both from a boring newsletter on March 20th (the day after March 19th my birthday).
Something I love about living in cities (and if this also happens in small towns I apologize for assuming it doesn’t please don’t cancel me before I’m 25, townies) is that there are so many public parks that people just do anything in. People lay down and tan on the park’s grass where dogs poop; they do yoga; they do photo shoots; they play the saxophone; they hold a protest; some people even come from Los Angeles to perform a screamo show near a playground. Let’s dig into that last one, shall we? wWhHoOaAhH — that is the sound of going back into time to yesterday when I was sitting at Herbert Von King Park in Bedstuy at about 1pm Eastern time. It was a beautiful, brisk day. The sun was sort of shining, it was 45 degrees Fahrenheit, and I had just cracked my back stretching and it kind of hurt a little bit(25 is getting so close!). And after all that, I thought: there’s something missing in the air today. I can’t figure out what it is, but I know that something else should be happening right now. And there it was. The sounds of an electric guitar that was so loud and distorted that you couldn’t even tell that notes were being played were echoing through the park. And then to tag along, a man started screaming into a mic and was kind of actually in key with the guitar. So obviously, we had to go over to the park and see this piece of musical art. And so we did. And … well … I’ll just show you:
Now, I don’t know which part of this I loved more, but I think the guy with the cone on his head is probably at the top for me right now. If you feel that some part of this video stood out to you or positively (and by positively I mean negatively) affected you in some way, I’d love to hear about it in the comments. What I learned from this video is that there is no wrong way to respond to art. If I saw that guy with the cone on his head responding that way to A Sunday on La Grande Jatte at the Art Institute of Chicago, I would probably shed a tear. But just one.
This is just a headline that I’m fond of. I’m not gonna post the video, so you can look it up on your own. I will spoil it, though, and tell you that Joy did not actually face-plant, and Whoopi Goldberg did actually say, “just stand,” which is a very Whoopi thing to say to someone who has just fallen and cannot get up. “Suffers dramatic fall” is also just as hilarious as someone saying “just stand” when you’ve fallen and cannot get up. The fall was not fatal or dangerous, so what else can we call Joy Behar’s fall? Well, it definitely was dramatic, and she did suffer from embarrassment. I guess we could say that she suffered a dramatic fall? Genius. Plus, it’s relatable. We are all constantly suffering from dramatic falls. We are tripping on broken sidewalks, we are wearing Doc Martens that are too big for our feet, and we are also suffering from a Fall that is sick with climate change — is it 40 degrees out, or is it 75 degrees out? And in a week on Halloween, it’s gonna be snowing? Well, that’s a little dramatic for Fall, don’t you think? Anyway, don’t be embarrassed, Joy Behar. We all suffer from the drama sometimes.
I’M REALLY ENJOYING — whoa, whoa, whoa. I accidentally pressed the caps lock button I did not mean to yell. I’m really enjoying all of these new limited series about famous scammers. Inventing Anna, The Dropout, The Tinder Swindler, Emily in Paris — all shows about scammers. What I love about these shows — more specifically the first two — is that they’re scripted, which means people had to put on accents and stuff. Julia Garner had to do a Russian accent blended with what I believe could be a German accent in order to be Anna Delvey, and Amanda Seyfried just deepened her voice to be Elizabeth Holmes. Acting. I love these shows because the writers really like to try to get us to feel bad for the scammers. They show their lives before they became who they are today, and we see that their home lives were horrible (Elizabeth Holmes’s dad lost his job one time :( and Elizabeth did not want to lose her job one day because of that). But also, the confidence of these scammers is wild. Anna Delvey would order the most expensive things, and when a person told her that the card didn’t work or the wire hadn’t gone through, she would just say, “RUN IT AGAIN.” or “THE WIRE IS COMING.” And you know what? If there’s anything we should be learning from these shows, it’s that confidence is the mothafuckin key, y’all. If you are confident, you can create your own Theranos and screw over millions of people who think they have sepsis. Ain’t that the dream? I love scammers give all scammers a TV show because then they’re gonna make a bunch of money anyway and get exactly what they wanted in the first place! And if you’re reading this and thinking, Kerry, you’re being so weird you shouldn’t look up to scammers they aren’t good people and we have nothing in common with them, then I’m here to tell you that the only difference between you and the scammers is that they have TV shows written about them and you don’t. And also they committed fraud.
Alright, my friends. You are getting nothing else from me this week. I can only handle so much activity each week, and that screamo show took almost all of it outta me. I have things to do, people to see, places to go, water to drink; I don’t know what else to tell you. I don’t know how else to explain myself. I guess I’ll just let Cher do the honors:
So glad you are handling your quarter-life (or fifth-life) crisis so well! Everything after 3-19 will be easy. Happy Birthday, Kerry!!