what came first: the ghoul or the goblin?
i don't have an answer for this, but something else i wanna say is go youtube liza minelli on larry king u won't regret it
HAPPY ONE WEEK BEFORE HALLOWEEKEND, my lil ghouls n gobs!! Speaking of ghouls, I have a new tattoo:
Don’t mind the angsty face I took this pic during a work training and couldn’t look like I was posing … if my manager sees this, no she didn’t.
Oh, you’re asking what his name is? Wouldn’t you like to know? Well, thank you for asking, I’d be more than happy to tell you.
I named him Colin Ghost, which is so incredibly clever and funny and punny that I just can’t. even. deal. What does Colin Jost think about it, you ask? I don’t know I haven’t told him yet because I’m worried he’ll steal it and name the ghost in his house that and then the ghost won’t even know that I’m the one who came up with it because Colin Jost is not going to credit me. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for some time if you couldn’t tell.
Well, ghouls n gobs, you heard it here first: the mouse in my house is back. The thing is, I don’t think this one is Selener; they’re a little more anxious than Selener was. Selener was casually walking the floors of my humble home like the little squatter they were. This new guy is running for their life. This new guy is most definitely a Bella. Nervous lil Bella. They zoomed under my fridge the other night, and I couldn’t find them. And actually, it made me want to let them know that they didn’t have to run. Bella, where you been, loca! We’ve been waiting for you.
But yeah so if it’s not clear I am for some reason deathly afraid of mice and rats when they’re out of cages because I don’t like when we’re both on the same floor but they’re all small and speedy. Wait … is this how people feel when they’re on the same floor as … me? Oh, my God. Am I really just afraid of … myself? Am I afraid of … how fast I am when I’m on a floor? Is this real life? Or is this just a fantasy?
No, I think I just hate mice.
So, as we all know, Taylor Swift released a new album this week. And as we all know, it is definitely an album. It definitely has songs on it. It definitely has lyrics — lyrics like sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and draw a cat eye so sharp it could kill a man. And when I hear those poetic little lines, I think: what the fresh hell is she talking about? And then after I think that, I completely move on to bigger and brighter things — things like … other music.
I think this is the perfect opportunity to remind everyone that nobody’s perfect and that deep down, we’re all just cringey millennials. That includes the boomers and the zoomers and the milk carton kiddos. I mean come on: don’t we all sometimes wish everyone was a sexy baby? No, Taylor. No, we do not.
I just wanted to circle back to my ghostwriting (lol) from earlier. I don’t really have anything to say about this; I just really liked this headline. Very on-brand for the upcoming holla day.
Speaking of the holla day, my Cher costume is really coming together. None of you are ready for how much I will be — in the wise words of Shawn Mendes — giving Cher. Do not fret: there will be photos next week.
ALSO speaking of the holla day season, I watched the og Carrie last night, which is truly a magnificent work of art. Whilst I give it a 5 (five) star rating, it is incredibly unrealistic. Sissy Spacek is too pretty to get bullied by knock-off Sydney Sweeney. For reference:
If this was real life, Carrie would’ve been the leader of the mean girl squad, even if her mom was a scary Jesus fweak. I mean, haven’t we seen Footloose circa either of the versions? The most popular girl in school was from the most religious family in town. Haven’t we LEARNED how to point out the popular girlies, yet? So disappointing.
But the COLOR in this film. The saturation during the horrific prom scene, the split screens throughout the story, the pan-outs whenever another character was speaking but we didn’t know who it was for the first minute until the camera panned out? It’s high art. And the BOOK. Just as good. I love Stephen King I wish he was real.
The final thing I will mention very quickly because I am at work and am realizing that I’m a very bad multitasker is this:
Liz Truss resigned as Prime Minister the other day because her economic plan destroyed the value of the pound* which raised interest rates by a bUnCh and caused people to take out mortgages and inflation went up the fwiggin wazoo and also people found a photo of Liz Truss with Taylor Swift with a quote about her Reputation album which has nothing to do with anything except for the fact that it’s a callback to me talking about Taylor Swift earlier and yeah the girly fucked up and was only there for like 44 days. But now I feel like we can all move on from this and agree that Britain is not even a real place and their accents are not real and that if a Prime Minister can quit an important job that is responsible for the wellbeing of their nation then YOU can quit the job that’s making you unhappy so that you can chase your dreams of becoming a full-time ghost in Colin Jost’s Staten Island ferry that he bought with Pete Davidson. Anyway, what were we talking about.
*fake British money
Okay, my lil ghouls n gobs! That’s enough of me for today I feel like that last paragraph gave everyone a headache. I hope we all have a blessed week, full of, spooky movies and Spirit Halloween 20-minute long lines. But if you find the best Cher wig that you can possibly find there, STAY IN LINE.
movie rec: Carrie (1976)
book rec: Carrie by Stephen King
music rec: Songs From The Road album by Leonard Cohen
halloween costume rec: Cher
who to give a kiss on the forehead to rec: me
AND FINALLY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MOM (10/22) LOVE YOU CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOU ONE DAY <3
Yea she definitely didn’t see this…. unless?