what a long week!
but not as long as Jake Gyllenhaal's, which was exactly 10 minutes too long.
Welcome to this week’s newsletter (Taylor’s version).
If there’s anything any of us have learned from this past week, it’s three things: the first is don’t date Taylor Swift if you’re Jake Gyllenhaal because she will write an entire album about the three months you were together, and then she’ll re-record the same album and have it do better the second time. I wish she knew how to quit you, Jake! And I also wish I didn’t just make a Brokeback Mountain joke (it wasn’t worth it). The second is don’t date 19-year-old Taylor Swift, Jake, because you’re 30 and that’s c r e e p y. The third thing I learned this week is that I’m not very good at stacking chairs. This is not related to the first two things I am just a strong believer in doing things in threes.
Kyle Rittenhouse’s trial began this week. So far, the judge has fully been on his side by rejecting a video of Rittenhouse shooting a victim because ~zooming in can distort the image~ and also had his phone ringtone go off, which was a song that Trump used at his rallies. It’s so crazy that the judge at this trial happens to be biased and also racist!! What a crazy coincidence. I’m sure that’s never happened before. What a dumb little punk. I bet no one has ever told him no in his life. No one said, “Hey, Kyle, maybe don’t bring your assault rifle to the protest.”
“Oh, hey, Kyle, how about you just keep that racist and horrible opinion to yourself?”
“Kyle, why don’t you let someone else have that chocolate bar? You’ve already had seven.”
“Uh, Kyle, I think it’s safe to say that if you keep acting like a little baby, you will most definitely be chosen last in dodgeball.”
He looks like he can’t handle his sour skittles, and I will NOT stand for that. A murderer and a fucking gluttonous little complainer? You’re not gonna swim your way outta this one, Augustus Gloop!
Something very serious happened the other day: a rival glasses store decided to set up shop LITERALLY across the street from my place of work, Warby Parker. They’re not officially open, but they’re currently getting the room ready for a soft opening next week. WHAT a power move, especially since the glasses at this store are pretty much the same as ours but three times the price. They must know something we don’t if they think people are gonna buy their $400 glasses (before adding prescription) over our $95 glasses (including prescription). It’s just wild that they would go through with that. This feels very Illuminati to me. What I mean by that is they have some connection that makes it make sense for them to open directly across the street ……. They do get a lot of celebrities to wear their glasses — Joe Jonas, the cast of Succession, Seth Rogen, Ryan Reynolds, other white celebs. Is that all we need to do? I’m sure I can convince the cast of Sister Act 3 to put on some prescription sunglasses. They shouldn’t have to pay unaffordable prices to protect themselves from how bright that movie’s future is. We at Warby H. Parker are here to help fake nuns see when it is sunny and also when they are reading the Bible.
I got an email today from a company I applied to a year ago that told me — and I quote — “Unfortunately, your application popped over a little too late, and this role was already filled.” Like, why even get back to me? And why say my application was too late when I applied a year ago? Like, why not just say something like, “Hey, Kerry! Unfortunately, we don’t like to get back to people who apply with us, but Mercury is currently in Libra, and we were starting to feel bad about not responding to you. So, we decided we’d just tell you that we got your application and don’t want you, but we had to say it in, like, a cool and chic way. We had a whole staff meeting about it and narrowed it down to either telling you that a dog ate your online application or that your application didn’t arrive on time. We went with the latter. Wow, we feel so much better about this! Okay, uh, hope you’re having a good Saturday! Peace and blessings, [insert company name here].” Would that have been too difficult an email to send? It took me 10 seconds to write, and it took them a whole year to respond. My life has taken a 180 since I applied to that job. I am a changed person since that application. I write newsletters now and stack chairs very badly. And I force every person I know to watch a specific movie that I will not name because if I name it, I owe my friend Megan 53 cents
and I can’t do that right now because I need that money to pay rent.
The final thing I will add tonight is that I bought a sofa! It’s green and looks cool and will fit in very well with the empty room it will soon join. It’s finally starting to look like a place people live in. It’ll go right up against the wall that my shelf with the VHS tape of Sister Act will be on. Ugh, damn it. That’s another 53 cents to Meg. Life is so unfair.
A green sofa - how sophisticated! Can't wait to see a pic!
waiting on those 53 cents!