there was an earthquake in New York this week that began west of Manhattan and We Can't Stop Talking About It xD
calling New Jersey "west of Manhattan" is the most New Jersey thing I've ever heard
As a FiLm CoNnOiSsEuR, my opinions on movies and TV shows can go from half a star to five half-stars (?). We can all agree that we won’t enjoy all the movies we watch (everyone who says they loved Oppenheimer is lying). But something that I’ve been thinking about lately is how every single movie you watch as a child is your favorite movie. Like, every single one. The next movie you watch becomes your favorite. And I fully remember feeling that way each time. I watched Toy Story — favorite movie. Then I watched Harry Potter — new favorite movie. Then Shrek — the best movie. And then Shrek 2 — the greatest movie. And I think that went on for maybe … 13 years? The way I watched them just made each one seem like the new fav.
But when the freaking heLL did that change? When did I start watching movies and feel like they weren’t the best each time? Can I remember the first movie I watched where I thought, No, yeah, this wasn’t it. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I’VE GOT IT.
It was 2007. It was a grandma weekend — a weekend with your grandma. We were in Zion, Illinois, and my grandma was taking us to see none other than Shrek the Third. Shrek the Third — as if you haven’t seen it — is about Shrek finding out he has to rule Far, Far Away but doesn’t want to, so he goes to find another heir to the throne: the future King Arthur. It’s a classic storyline.
We were the only people in the theater. We were all sitting silently at the beginning but then soon realized … this movie was no Shrek 2, and it was definitely no Shrek. I did not care for this movie, and I don’t think Sean did, either. So instead of watching it, my brother and I climbed over all of the theater seats and ran across the stage under the screen until the movie was over. My grandma stayed seated and read a book or something. She was the best.
I feel very lucky to realize that I still had a great experience the first time a movie let me down. There was no disappointment in my eyes or my soul. Sean and I got to play in a room that we’ll never be allowed to play in again (we were banned from all Regal Cinemas in Zion, Illinois and also Gurnee Mills … no wait I think that was a shopping mall), and we also got to have a moment with our grandma that we’ll love to reminisce on until the end of days — which is tomorrow, 4/8. Happy eclipse, suckers!
If you can remember the first movie you didn’t like, please comment it below PLEASE for the love of god please comment it.
NOW, I am deLIGHTED to introduce the Gen X and Baby Boomer crowd to the most important media star of our time: Jojo Siwa.
I am 93% positive that youse two have never heard of her, so I wanna give you the lowdown. After being a dancer on Dance Moms, Jojo Siwa went from this
to this
Need I say more? Yes.
Jojo Siwa was every little girl’s idol from 2017 to who knows. But the girl wanted a rebrand — “like Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears” — but it is not going well. Unfortunately, I don’t think she knows that. Jojo Siwa (I’m not addressing her by her first name it has to be the full name) came out as gay in 2020 or so and instantly began her “bad girl” era, which wasn’t necessarily bad at all and also didn’t need to be bad just because she came out. But JUST in the past few months, Jojo Siwa has been doing her absolute best to climb the walls of the BGC (Bad Girl Club) but simply cannot get in.
Jojo Siwa was getting interviewed the other day about her new hit whoops typo I meant miss single “Karma” — which also has a music video that shows her dance-humping (not a word) on other girlies — and in the interview she said that she wanted to create a new genre of music … a genre called Gay Pop. The first to ever do it; well, except for these people:
Tegan and Sara
Troye Sivan
Chappell Roan
Lil Nas X
Miley Cyrus
Frank Ocean
Haley Kiyoko
King Princess
Janelle Monáe
FREDDIE MERCURY
The girl couldn’t be more oblivious to literally everything.
Separate from this, she is apparently not a kind person, but I don’t feel like looking that shit up right now — if you’re hooked by this newfound information I’ve given you regarding Jojo Siwa, YOU can look it up yourself! Either way, I just felt like it was my responsibility to introduce certain readers to a girl that was none of your business in the first place. I just don’t think it’s fair that only certain generations had to learn about her without their consent; it’s important we’re all in this together.
Did you guys see this?
Billie H. Eilish added me specifically — and 120 million others — to her Close Friends story! The coveted green circle! We’re on Billie’s personal IG! While this is definitely to promote something soon, as we can see here:
why don’t we spiral about it for a moment? We have nothing else going on, so let’s get into it!
Does this mean we should be adding her to our Close Friends stories? Does she wanna see the photos we post behind closed doors? Is she interested in hearing our cancelable opinions that we only let our close friends read? Does she actually consider us close friends or is she trying to turn all of us against each other and hope that we fight to the death for her close friendship? Does Billie even post on her Instagram, or does someone else do it for her? Is it actually her assistant who wants to be close friends? What’s her assistant’s name? What time is she free for a coffee this week? I’m free on Tuesday around 3 pm eastern time or Tuesday again around 5:30 pm central standard time. If her assistant isn’t available then, I’ll be out of town from April 11-21, but I have some free time once I’m back. Is anyone still reading this? Am I talking to myself? Billie, are you reading this? Billie? Is anyone there? Does the solar eclipse tomorrow mean that the world is about to end? Does anyone wanna hang out before that happens? I’m free tomorrow any time before 3 pm eastern time. Unfortunately, I will not be free after that as it will then be Armageddon™ (not sponsored I am not sponsored by the Armageddon I am not getting paid to talk about it). And if that’s the case, Billie Eilish, can you let your assistant know that I won’t be available at those times that I mentioned earlier in this paragraph? Ugh, I’m so glad we spiraled about this together. It’s important to stick together during the end of times.
Well, I think that’s enough information about literally anything for you all tonight. There’s a lot for you both (you both? what does that mean I swear I have more than two followers I think I’m projecting) to think about, and it could take a week to process. Speaking of weeks, I’ll see you at the next one!
movie rec: there’s no time! the world is ending!
book rec: there’s simply no time!
music rec: Reyna Tropical — there’s some time for that
word I heard today more than once: motherboard
person to confess your love to before the end of times: me