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the united states is not a real place
and here is why
You may be thinking that this photo
is the best photo to come out of this week. And if you don’t think that, then you may be thinking that this photo
is the best photo to come out of this week. But I’m here to tell you that both of those opinions are WRONG.
The best photo to come out of this week is this photo of my mom seeing super clearly for the first time in her LIFE after getting cataract surgery:
She could not believe how gorgeous the world is. The last time I saw her this happy was in a photo from the day before I was born. She has never been the same since. UNTIL NOW. She can now see how drop-dead gorg I am. It was a hard life before that, but we can finally relax.
Okay, actually, the funniest photos to come out of this week are the photoshopped ones from the congresspeople who so badly want to be in Donald Trump’s pinned iPhone messages.
Tea Party “political activist” and verified Twitter account holder Amy Kremer was apparently on her way to the morgue when she had this photo taken. I think one of my favorite quotes that I’ll be using often now came from her replies to people asking her about this photo. First, there’s her own reply to herself:
“…for the time being, anyway.” It’s very RL Stine of her, throwing in a fake cliffhanger. And then, “they are coming for all of us in the end.” I love that. You can use that in any scenario, really. And then somehow, she used those two sentences in another reply and did an even better job with it:
I just love that she has to keep clarifying that this isn’t a real photo, but it could be someday.
“It’s me, but it is photoshopped to say I stand with them.” — me whenever someone tries to find something to cancel Jennifer Lawrence with.
The other photoshopped post is this one, which is not my fav, but is still a good one:
THE SMILE. They didn’t even work as hard as Amy Kremer did by trying to look like she was knocking on death’s door. They just used Marjorie’s fake ID photo and let her tweet her little heart out.
Now, for the best post to come out of this week:
Amy Klobuchar didn’t even mention the mug shot but posted this thirst trap before 9AM the following day. Incredible way to address the drama.
Last night, my roommate, Kirsten, and I were chatting about movies that still held up after a decade or so, and the one we discussed the most was Pitch Perfect (2012). That movie is so quotable and silly, and we really wanted to watch it. Unfortunately, it was only available for purchase or rent. Kirsten said, “Oh, never mind. I don’t wanna make us pay for it.” We checked the cost of renting, and it was $4. I spent $7 on a coffee that morning. So we rented it and watched a cinematic masterpiece. And it made us wonder … why did our parents lead us to believe that when we were growing up, renting a movie one night would jeopardize our finances? It’s similar to when we got in trouble for leaving a light on for 20 minutes too long — oh, you kept the light on after walking from the living room to the kitchen? You’re sleeping outside tonight! Anyway, it’s just something I’m thinking about. Now that I’m an adult, I rent movies whenever I want, and it always feels worth it. But when I buy a $7 coffee? That’s also my dinner.
This week, I’ll be working fully remote, which means I’ll be watching movies and making tasty meals. Get ready for those updates next week! I know, it’s exciting. Who knows what I’ll cook? Who knows what I’ll watch? Actually, if you’d like to know that sooner, you can follow me on Letterboxd. My username is whoopigoldberg.
Have a gorgeous little week, buckos. Go swimming, stay cool, don’t eat oysters — people have been dying from them, I guess. Water’s too warm!
movie rec: Past Lives (2022) — bet you thought I’d say Pitch Perfect, but I’m NOT because Past Lives is now available to watch for rent, I think. It’s so good. It costs less than a cold brew. Okay, actually, sorry, it’s not available to rent until 9/19, so go watch Pitch Perfect, I guess?
book rec: still reading Tokyo Ueno Station by Miri Yu — one of my favs, and she has a new book out now!
music rec: Selena Gomez — go listen to the hits! maybe she doesn’t have the voice of Celine Dion, but if you wanted that then you should go listen to Celine Dion. Selena Gomez can make a pop song, and that’s what I want right now.
photographer to take your photo so you, too, can photoshop it to look like Donald Trump’s mug shot: me
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