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The Nun II: Back In The Habit
all sequels to movies about nuns should end with "Back In The Habit" and i've always said that
Before I talk about whatever the H E L L my header is about, I have to let everyone know that I just got locked out of the apartment where I’m catsitting. Do not worry: I have marked myself “safe” on Facebook and am back in the apartment, but I was so close to reacting as if there was nothing left for me in this world and that it was time to perish. My friend was waiting for a new sofa that was supposed to be delivered a long time ago and ended up getting delayed to when I’d be catsitting for her. The FedEx man had it out for me and decided to try to deliver it when I was at work, so it got delayed, again, to today. My friend doesn’t drink coffee, and your dear author here had a headache, but she knew that if she even thought about going to get a coffee somewhere, the FedEx man would try to deliver it while I was gone.
Well, I got the courage to go get that coffee and as I getting ready to grab my keys, the doorbell rang. Mr. FedEx had arrived. I walked over to buzz him in, but I could hear him give up on my doorbell and start ringing everyone else’s. I didn’t want everybody to have to deal with me trying to get this sofa in, so I just ran out to open the door to the building. That’s right, everyone. We’re all thinking it. Did she grab the keys? No. No, she did not. The FedEx guy brought the sofa in and figured out at the exact same time as me that we were both locked out. I never knew that I would have the memory of a FedEx driver being so disappointed in me, but new things happen all the time. And this is now a memory that I have. I can feel your jealousy. It definitely has changed me as a person, but I’m telling you: it’s not a feeling that you need to be envious of. It’s a hard life to keep on living. I used to think there was nothing more embarrassing than getting locked out of your own apartment, but I was mistaken. There is nothing more embarrassing than getting locked out of an apartment where you’re catsitting. And you don’t have any shoes on. And it’s just you and a sofa in a box.
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I called my friend, and she told me that the only possible outcome here would be me burying myself alive. I replied, “No, Natalie. I do not want to do that.” She then replied, “Okay, I know one of my neighbors, and he lives in the highest room in the tallest tower, and the only way you can get to him is by horseback through the forbidden forest and then you have to cross a moat with all of these alligators beneath it and then once you cross it there will be a Rumpelstiltskin-adjacent man who will ask you riddles thrice, and if you answer them correctly you can take the elevator to his apartment but if you answer them wrong you have to take the long way which is just going up the stairs where the air thickens and the heat rises. So I tried the riddles, which were these:
I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I?
What disappears as soon as you say its name?
This belongs to you, but everyone else uses it.
I got them all right, but then the Rumpelstiltskin-adjacent man told me that I was dumb for leaving without the key so I had to take the stairs anyway. I got to the neighbor and told him what happened. He said basically nothing and then came down with a credit card and opened the door with it. I bid him adieu, and we both went on our merry ways.
UGH, anyway, I’m back in the apartment with the sofa and am now here watching the movie Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret. My mom loved that Judy Blume book, and then I loved that Judy Blume book. And then they put Rachel McAdams and Benny Safdie in the movie, and I was sold. I feel like the books you read when you were a kid are the most important books to master when they’re made into movies. There are movies like Gone Girl or The Lovely Bones or something that may not be exact to the books, but we can all move on from that. When a book that helped raise you as a kid is turned into a movie, it has to be perfect. Children’s books, in my opinion, are the only books that help make kids into the adults they end up being. Judy Blume and (sorry I don’t like her but I have to say it) JK Rowling and Shel Silverstein and Barbara Park and CS Lewis and Roald Dahl raised me, as they did to so many of you, I’m sure. If you ruin their stories with a movie that doesn’t do them justice, it can sometimes mess with your memories of them. Or, like, if you’re a transphobic author, that can mess with them, too.
Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. was done so well. It was pretty spot on to the book, and when Judy Blume even says that it’s better than the book, I’m gonna have to agree. There are two things that taught me about puberty and sex: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. and Roseanne. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I think my mom wouldn’t have it any other way, either.
If you haven’t read the book, please read it and just always have a copy on your shelf. And if you haven’t seen the movie, please watch it! It’s better than the book. And Rachel McAdams!!! A movie is always better when she’s in it. Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret. More like, Are you there, Rachel McAdams? It’s me, Kerry. Regretting that sentence. Leaving it.
The second movie of today’s newsletter is THE NUN II. If you know me well, you know that I am a huge horror movie fan. Horror movies are my rollercoasters. They’re so fun and spooky and make me nervous and I love them. The Nun is part of the CCU: The Conjuring Cinematic Universe. They’re based around real people Ed and Lorraine Warren, self-proclaimed demonologists from the 70s. These movies and stories deal with Amityville, the Annabelle doll, and THE NUN. The Nun is a demon that is taking the form of a nun in order to haunt a convent in Romania. Obviously. This lil girl nun who hasn’t taken her vows has to go help stop this demon nun, which she believes she does. BUT THEN she doesn’t because there ends up being THE NUN 2: BACK IN THE HABIT where the demon nun now haunts a girls’ boarding school in England or something. This one was much scarier than the first, which is exactly what I asked for. There were good jump scares, little objects and props that were put in certain spots to make the whole audience at our showing say, “OhmyGodNO,” and music that made a hallway seem like you probably shouldn’t walk down it. It was great. And stupid. And absolutely Catholic propaganda. I told my friend that upside-down crosses have always scared me because it means there’s an unholy presence in the air, and that unholy presence could very likely be a DEMON. I always think this, and I was saying that I thought the ads for The Nun II were very dangerous because they had crosses on them that were upside-down. My friend replied, “Wow, you are so Catholic.” And I take that very personally. I did not get baptized and confirmed just to get accused of being a Catholic, okay?
If you love a classic scary movie and don’t always wanna watch an Ari Aster traumatizing film even if it’s really good, I recommend The Conjuring movies. And I absolutely recommend The Nun and The Nun II and Sister Act and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit. And I stand by all of those movies equally. Something to help you get through The Nun is to remember that the actress playing the Nun is also in Princess Diaries, so really these movies are just Disney movies and are not scary at all they’re actually for children. Have your kids watch The Nun!
Other than getting locked out of my friend’s apartment, this week’s newsletter was mostly about movies, so I hope you got everything you needed on the two most opposite movies ever. You should probably double-feature them. I won’t tell you which order.
I was considering writing about the Danny Masterson trial, but all I would’ve said is that I think we’re gonna find out a lot of stuff about Ashton Kutcher and will also probably find out that a lot of terrible stuff probably happened to Mila Kunis. Hollywood is fucked up, and so is Scientology. And when you mix Hollywood with Scientology, you get The Nun II: Back In The Habit.
Have a great week! This coming weekend, I’m gonna be a bridesmaid for the first time ever, so I hope you’re excited to find out how that goes next time.
movie rec: The Notebook (2004) got u suckers
book rec: A Good Man Is Hard To Find by Flannery O’Connor
music rec: Olivia Rodrigo’s new album GUTS that girl is a pop star
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