the citibikeboyz are out for blood, and there's nothing we can do about it
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the citibikeboyz are out for blood, and there's nothing we can do about it
in other news, what's Anne Hathaway up to these days? just something i was thinking about
Happy Monday Eve, everyone. Some news to share: I got promoted at my job at B*GGU and will now be working Monday through Friday, 9-5 EST, and I’ll be fully remote. This past week was my first test of that, having worked entirely from home. And here are some things I’ve learned that I will need to bring with me on this new journey:
I spend less money when I’m working from home (this is not true because I paid rent this week so I actually spent way more money than usual you get it).
I need to work in a different environment at least twice a week; I cannot sit in my house for five days and never think to go outside. I am paler than usual because of this.
I still need to wake up a little earlier because waking up five minutes before work keeps me groggy and then I ruin B*GGU’S reputation by 9:05 AM.
I can do so many more things being remote; for example, I made tasty meals all week that didn’t cost much okay here is another thing I can do I can also work from anywhere that’s a good one.
So far that’s all I can think of so … this list was honestly unnecessary.
I’m happy to finally be moving forward in the work world — even a little bit —in New York. The feeling of needing a change of pace was beginning to set in, so I’m glad the universe is responding to that. Oh, another thing is I won’t be spending $7 on a cup of coffee. Okay, it was a latte. Okay, it was a vanilla bean frappuccino I’m literally joking I haven’t had a vanilla bean frappuccino since I was in the seventh grade okay and now you’re wondering why I was drinking frappucinos as a seventh grader and I’ll tell you that first of all that’s honestly too personal of a question and it’s actually quite ignorant of you to ask because you don’t know what life was like for me as a seventh grader I used to be on Safety Patrol at 7:30 in the morning and you need to be on your A-game for that and the night before I didn’t get home till 9:30 pm because I went from Safety Patrol to school to basketball practice to Irish dance rehearsal to homework and then to bed and then back to Safety Patrol in the morning and that homework was absurd I literally do not understand punnett squares to this day and that’s actually one of my biggest insecurities so I can’t even believe I’m telling you about that but mix all of those sports and then the punnett squares every day and Kerry gets a migraine so YEAH i was drinking vanilla bean frappuccinos what do you even want from me
It’s very possible that if I had just had even a sip of water every now and again my seventh-grade self wouldn’t have needed a frap and would not have had as many migraines the neurologists could never find anything wrong; my CT scans laughed at science.
Sometimes I just write and write and write and write until my little fingies get a cramp and I don’t even know how the beginning of what I said ended up becoming the ending. But somehow, we are all the better for it.
I went to see that new Emma Seligman movie Bottoms, starring Rachel Sennot and Ayo Edebiri, and it was a GUFFAW. It’s a movie about two high school seniors who need to find a way to get the two hottest cheerleaders to want to date them, so they create a school-sponsored fight club for women to join so that they can be ready to protect themselves against anyone — mostly the football team. It was so funny. I love a movie that is very aware of how absurd it is while also still being able to throw in a smart joke. Emma Seligman and Rachel Sennot also wrote Shiva, Baby, which is a fave of mine and has a similar energy that makes you feel uncomfy but also makes you laugh laugh laugh LaUgH. And I can already hear you saying, “A female fight club to attract women? That’s so dumb.” And to that, I can turn it right back around and say, An all-male fight club featuring Brad Pitt and Edward Norton and Jared Leto? Why don’t I just go to the Met Gala afterparty and watch that for free? Actually, I think it costs $40,000 to go to the Met Gala, but that is irrelevant to my point. I’d rather pay $17 to watch a funny movie about punching each other in the face than $4 to rent a serious movie about punching each other in the face. And you can quote me on that. That would be a really good quote to find on, like, Good Housekeeping or Pinterest or something.
Anyway, I recommend the movie. It’s very funny. Marshawn Lynch is in it. I feel there is nothing else I need to say to convince you.
As you may know, I am a big fan of the citibikes in New York City. Hot take, but I actually feel like biking in New York is safer than biking in Chicago; many of the streets are narrower, which makes it easier to take over a lane as a cyclist, and because of the traffic, the cars are a bit slower. Plus, most of the bike lanes are in their own area, which is really nice. Also, the e-bike situation here is getting better and better. There are a lot more to choose from, and I’m getting to really memorize a lot of Brooklyn, so I get places faster since I know where I’m going. The bikes feel safer than the subway sometimes, and I get places faster than I would on a train or a bus. BUT, I have to say: the citibikeboyz are beginning to ruin my life.
Oh, who are the citibikeboyz, you ask? They are simply my arch-nemeses in the great state of New York City. They take out the citibikes and use them to do tricks at skateparks and on curbs and in any area they have the space to ride them around. And they often break the bikes. And sometimes, if they’re not fully broken, you can tell when you’re on a citibike previously used by a citibikeboy. Sometimes, your breaks don’t work super well, or your e-bike is a little heavier than it should be, or the tires have been violently jumped so many times that one little rock will pop them when it’s your turn to ride it. Here’s an example:
Today, I was victim to an e-bike previously used by the citibikeboyz. I know I’m accusing, and I don’t actually know if they used it, but I’m not afraid to assume. It was 90 degrees today — sunny as the Sun can be, humid, and just plain ol grossy. I found a coveted e-bike to take me from Bushwick to Prospect Heights. It was gorgeous. It was gonna cut my trip in half, from one hour to 25 minutes. It had 26 miles left on it. I had an overnight bag (I’m catsitting) and a handbag and was looking cool as hell. The wind was flying through my helmet through my hair, and the heat didn’t seem so bad. Then, five minutes into the trip, as I was going uphill, I hit a pothole. Normally, these bikes can handle that. The bike completely shut down. It was as if there were never 26 miles on it. The bike was now twice its weight, and the pedals could barely move. And I was going uphill in complete sun. I went from being a little bit sweaty to being completely drenched. The universe was not on my side. And I could feel the citibikeboyz LAUGHING in my FACE.
At this point, the smartest decision you can make is to give up and bring the bike to a station. That can also be the hardest part because the bike Will Not Move. Once it was returned, my next decision was an Uber. It was a two-shower day, folks.
That being said, I am a huge fan of the citibikeboyz and their work, but now their work is negatively affecting me. Still a huge fan. Thank you for listening to my truth.
A final thing to let everyone know about is I acquired quite the treasured Instagram username this week.
That’s right, everybody; I now have my full name as a username. I have been checking to see if the username @kerrycunningham (my full name in case you forgot who was writing this newsletter I’m sure the writing has just been so good that you thought it had to be Stephen King or Toni Morrison or something or even Sally Rooney) has been available for YEARS. It never was, and it killed me inside to have to create usernames that weren’t my full name. People started calling me @kerrycun in real life. That Is Not Me. But then the other day, as I was trying to find where I can see the posts I’ve liked (because Mark Zuckerberg has made it almost impossible to find them and I don’t know why), I ended up on a different part of my settings where I was given the opportunity to change my username. So I did the annual check and put in my full name. Normally, a red notification pops up saying it’s unavailable. But this time, there was no red. And I was in a state of confusion. So I thought to myself, absolutely no way that worked I’m sure Mark is playing a prank. And then I went to my profile on my computer … and there she was. @kerrycunningham, the one and only. I mean … the internet is a beautiful place sometimes. When life gives you lemons, right?
This week is gonna be a spicy one, so I’m buying some Duradry deodorant and getting those coins ready for the several trips I’ll be making to the laundromat this week. Very much looking forward to the fall. If I can’t comfortably wear a sweater outside in the next month I will be committing a crime.
Have a great week. Make some dumplings. Watch Bottoms in theatres. Adopt a cat. These are all the things I want to do, so we can do them together as a family. See y’all next week!
movie rec: if u make me say it again i’m committing a separate crime and then i will be committing two crimes
music rec: the Ella Enchanted soundtrack
book rec: I’m reading the new Miri Yu book, The End of August, so I’m recommending you read her other book, Tokyo Ueno Station — it’s one of my faves
a person to most likely support in a celebrity divorce: Sophie Turner — Joe Jonas is up to something …
the citibikeboyz are out for blood, and there's nothing we can do about it
Did you forget about the HOLIDAY WEEKEND THINGY? You may take tomorrow OFF, I mean
not even cat sitting. Here in SC it is hotish and humid but it’s a HOLIDAY WEEKEND! Exactly a year ago we were in NYC for THE US OPEN and I’m wishing we were back. 😢 That was a bucket list item for both my wife and I, checked it off. Our 4th trip to THE CITY and so much fun. We’ll be back.
Sub 1,000,000 Threads account????