surprise i sent this one out early on PURPOSE
you take 100% of the shots that you take, girlies. that's a kerry original.
If you missed what happened this week, allow me to give you the Disney 365. It’s day 4,725 of the UK being in a period of national mourning for the Queen. The streets are now full of ghost towns. The Tower Bridge has crumbled to pieces. All that is left of the country is the Crowned Jewels, and the only thing still standing is the London Eye which gave me a migraine when I went up there that one time. People missed doctors’ appointments, grocery stores were closed, children stopped going to school, and red squirrels took over Buckingham Palace. The Royal family disappeared, leaving only the corgis. London. Has. Fallen.
In other news, America is doing great! Interest rates are about to go up, lantern flies are taking over, and I hurt my knee really bad yesterday. So yeah that’s how I thought to start this week’s newsletter please hold your applause until the end.
New York Fashion Week was this past week, and I only have one thing to say about it:
Okay, moving on.
Lantern flies are storming the Capitol, everybody. They are e v e r y w h e r e ! And these babies are dangerous, yall. They kill trees and the planet, but we need not worry because the government has a plan to prevent it! Basically, the only way we can solve this tree apocalypse is to stomp and destroy these lil punks ourselves. Yesterday, I got brunch with a friend and didn’t have my glasses on, but I could see something moving in the near distance. SO I asked my friend, “Is that a lantern fly?” My friend looked and then a man walking by said, “WHERE.” And then my friend pointed and said, “Right there!” And then a person at a different table yelled, “KILL IT KILL IT.” And then the guy who was walking by replied, “I KNOW I’VE READ ABOUT THESE GUYS.” And then he did his civic duty and stomped and destroyed the lantern fly. And then everyone went back to their daily activities. Basically what I’ve learned from this experience is that we would be fine for a few months in a zombie apocalypse, but I’m not so sure about after that. What A Day, though! And it only lasted two minutes! The days are getting so short I can’t believe Winter Is Coming.
I’ve been going to a lot of movies lately — at independent theaters, as well as the AMCs. And I’ve gotta say: while I love and support and hope to raise independent theaters of my own, they don’t compare to the AMCs. HEAR ME OUT I really don’t like when you guys yell at me so quickly. Have you ever been early to an AMC movie? Do you even KNOW what happens when you get there at least 15 minutes before the movie starts? Lil Miss Maria Menounos takes us on a behind-the-scenes look at what’s new in entertainment! She takes us to the NOOVIES. We get to discover if Christian Siriano can tell which stills are from which movies! We get to answer quiz questions about fun facts from National Treasure, amongst other cinematic masterpieces. And we get to hear Maria Menounos’s chaotic giggle that will stay in your mind until AMC goes bankrupt.
So therefore in conclusion, if independent theaters want more funding, hire Maria Menounos to do your previews. And also Nicole Kidman. I don’t think I need to explain that one we all know why. And if you don’t know why, READ A BOOK. I mean GO TO THE MOVIES GO TO AN AMC I KNOW IT’S CORPORATE JUST GO ONCE jesus christ.
This week on How Did Kerry Get Injured This Time? a MacBook Pro smashed my knee and I couldn’t walk properly for almost 24 hours. I’m pretty sure my bones and muscles are getting stronger from all of the contusions I’ve been receiving, but it really is getting out of hand. It’s starting to look like I’m doing this for attention.
Don’t mind the first text I wasn’t able to crop small enough. And don’t cancel Owen for this text he did not send it and I shan’t expose who did in fact send it.
Something about me is I always have a lot of bruises on my legs, and it’s because of falling and also because of mosquitos. And both are for attention.
I’m testing out this whole “posting before 7 pm on Sundays sometimes Mondays” thing. It seemed to do well last week when I accidentally pressed PUBLISH and not SCHEDULE FOR 7 PM YOU DUMB KID. How did I confuse the two? They’re so different.
I’m testing out a lot of things in my 20s. First and foremost, I’m testing out this whole “living in New York" thing. So far, I’ve been elected mayor of the city and have also given someone directions on how to get to Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment, so therefore in conclusion I’m doing very well. I’m testing out running in the mornings before work, which I like but also do not like because I don’t like showering in the mornings. I’ve been testing out shooting things into baskets — trash into bins, laundry into laundry baskets, babies into baby bjorns — and so far (this weekend) I’ve been making 100% of the shots. And like I always say, you take 100% of the shots that you take, so go ask your crush out! No matter the outcome, you will have taken the shot. Just something for you to think about.
It’s important to test your limits all the time, in my humble but absolutely genius opinion. Taking risks builds confidence and helps you understand that not getting the exact outcome you’re looking for every time is absolutely okay. Sometimes, you don’t get the dream job right away. And sometimes, you risk putting pea milk in your latte and not oat milk and it completely ruins your day. But now you know not to do that in the future! How would you have known if you hadn’t risked the $11 latte? If you’re always playing it safe, you’ll never grow up. And since I’m not growing much physically anymore and haven’t since I was 13, I’ve gotta grow up in other ways. Ugh, isn’t it so incredible how wise I am? I bet no one else has ever told you to take risks before.
Well, folks, I wish there was more wisdom that I could give you this week, but I can really only leave you with this final piece of information:
A collection of rats with their tails tied together is called a rat king. There have been 60 registered cases of rat kings found in the last 500 years. So if you see one, just know that you’re a true New Yorker! Ugh, nature is beautiful.
movie rec: Moonstruck (I think I am going to be Cher for Halloween you heard it here first)
album rec: PRE PLEASURE by Julia Jacklin
book rec: The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher
someone to give a hug to rec: me