shredders are far too common of an item in our parents' homes, and something needs to be done about that
watergate has traumatized the baby boomers, and now they dedicate full days to shredding paper
*an update from the last newsletter*
There were actually two mice in my hice. An exterminator came and put poison out, but it just made the mice scurry around and freak me out even more. I purchased these little green mouse house traps that we put peanut butter in, and two hours later, Remy was caught. There are holes in the house. He can breathe. He will be brought to McCarren Park. You have to take mice, at least, three miles away, or else they find their way back. That is bonkers to me. They’re dumb enough to fall into a trap, but they know Brooklyn by heart? No, thank you. Either get a job or get out of my house.
This week, I’m going to address several different topics that I just do not understand. And what we’re going to find out here is that you all do not understand these topics, either. And I’m not asking you to admit that, but I will be able to tell. There’s no judgment here; I’m literally saying that I don’t understand these things. If you feel like any of these topics are worth shouting about from the dang ol rooftops, please do. I actually think it would be great if you did that. Will you? You won’t. But if you did?
ONE: THE WEATHER
I do not understand why it is raining every single weekend. It never rains during the work week, but even if it does, it will also rain on the weekend. What is that? Why can’t we have anything? It poured all weekend, and it always rains during music festivals, and plans have to be based on the fact that it will rain on Saturday or Sunday. Is Ms. Nature trying to make a point or something?
I wonder if society decided to make the weekend on a Tuesday and Wednesday, instead of a Saturday and Sunday, would the rain follow? I think we should test it because this is ridiculous.
In addition, why is it raining in New York right now but not raining in Chicago? How is the sky only working that way in one part of the country but not in another? And I know you’re gonna say, Kerry, you can Google this, or Kerry, the Earth is not flat, but if I were to Google this answer or believe that the Earth is not flat, then I’d have to remove this entire paragraph which feels like a waste of time — and I’d rather you all have to read something stupid than intelligent because we all deserve a moment, at least once a week, to wonder if the Earth is flat. We all deserve that.
TWO: SHREDDERS
Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a shredder in your house. Now raise your hand if it’s because you bought it. Raise your hand if it’s because your parents did. Now raise your hand if, once you moved out of your parent’s place, you never thought about shredders again.
I can tell you right now without doing any research that absolutely no one in my generation has ever thought about buying a shredder. We have never thought about shredding paper as a way to get rid of paper. Not once in my life did I think that in order to get rid of paper, I should shred it and make it even harder to get rid of. My parents used to have days dedicated to shredding all of this paper that I didn’t know we had. “It’s bills, Kerry. And mail that has our information on it. It needs to get disposed of properly.” Okay, Nixon, Jesus Christ. Watergate really traumatized the Baby Boomers, I swear to God.
Shredding is not gonna do anything. If someone wants my information, they’re gonna get it. And if they’re nice about it, I’ll be the one to give it to them. My mom called me the other day to tell me what she was doing that day, and she was like, “Well, I need to go buy a new shredder because my shredder broke.” Like, why were you putting your shredder through so much stress that you had to go buy a new one? How much paper are you receiving every day? Is he (the shredder) just full, and you’re overfeeding him? “Well, what do you do to get rid of paper with your info on it?” I rip it up and throw it out? “That’s not good enough, Kerry.” Well, what do they even think they’re gonna get from me? I have $5 in my account. My Social Security Number isn’t even that hard to remember; it’s —
If they want my bills, they can have them. And if they wouldn’t mind paying them, that would be great, too. Shredders are way too available in our parents’ and their friends’ lives. They act like if they weren’t able to access one, the world would not be able to keep spinning (not that it would be spinning anyway since it’s flat I’m not Googling this). I bet if we did a Rorschach test for them, and every picture was, like, a rectangle, they would see a shredder. If a shredder ran for President, it would make it to the debates. It would not win because it is a shredder, but it would get to make a few points before getting eliminated. Is that what they say when someone running for President doesn’t make it? They get eliminated? That can’t be right.
Studies do show that the shredder industry boomed post-Watergate. I didn’t Google that, either. For some reason, I’m really against Googling anything today. But I think you believe everything I’m saying.
THREE: EXTREMELY COMPLICATED TELEVISION
I don’t understand why TV shows are considered the best of the best if they’re so hard to understand. Westworld does not make sense to me. And I think it absolutely could make more sense, but they like that they’re so complicated. Sometimes, I like a predictable show. Predictable shows can be very bad, but, also, they can still be very good. There are two types of predictable:
writing is very bad … nothing else to say here
writing is very good — the predictability is what you want to happen in the show and then it does happen
I just finished the show Sex Education, which is a show about a high school in some fictional town in England where a student with a sex therapist mother starts charging people at the high school for sex advice. It’s actually a really good show. And the final season just came out a few days ago, and I’ve been catsitting all weekend so I watched the whole thing. And I have to say: I saw everything coming in the last season. But everything I predicted is what I wanted to happen, anyway, or is what made sense for the storyline. I love a show like that! You don’t have to think too hard, but you still feel like you got something positive out of it.
There are also shows where they’re not super predictable, but they’re still not too complicated to understand — and you still feel like you’re getting something out of them. An example of that for me right now is the show I Hate Suzie. It stars Billie Piper and is about a famous actress whose phone gets hacked and compromising photos are unleashed across the internet. The show is about how Hollywood/society treats women in situations like that, compared to how men are when something like this happens to them. It’s really, really good. And you have to pay attention to it and actually think about it.
In conclusion, a show with a predictable storyline can still be great. They don’t all have to be a Christopher Nolan movie.
These types of scripted shows are the best kinds, and I don’t understand why watching TV has to be hard. Rainy weekends, shredders, and complicated television? CAN WE NOT HAVE ANYTHING?
Those are the main three things I don’t understand this weekend. I’m not always thinking about them; sometimes, it’s other things that I don’t understand, like why cats want you to pet them but then when you do they rip off your hand; or why Ashton Kutcher decided that an anti-child sex trafficking organization was the best type of organization for a front. I think about that a lot, actually. I also don’t understand why men think about the Roman Empire so often. And I also really don’t understand why I’m always dehydrated. I am constantly drinking water. Someone needs to address all of these things. The comments are open. The DMs are also open. The shredder door is open. Please pay my bills.
That’s it today, folks and folkesses. I was about to go out and get a snack, but the rain is so aggressive that I think I’ll just stare out the window and wait for my husband to return from the war. Which war? Who knows. But I know he’s out there. And I am here, waiting for him to return. And there are so many other moments to not understand. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her and she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story, you are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder, when you were listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.
Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. Somehow, the final paragraph of The Perks of Being a Wallflower was just pasted into my newsletter. That is so weird. I’m gonna have to talk to my ghostwriter about that. That is completely unacceptable.
tv show rec: Sex Education — it really is so cute and so sweet and actually pretty funny; and hey, go watch I Love Suzie! either one, but just do it. not a big deal; what else do you have going on? it’s obviously raining everywhere tonight the Earth is flat
music rec: The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess by Chappell Roan — the album is finally out! and it’s so good! i would’ve loved if 9 out of the 14 songs weren’t singles, but hey! sest la vye.
photographer rec: I will be in New York for most of October and am available for photoshoots if anyone needs slash wants one! Hire me do it now hurry do it get it together and hire me
I tried to warn you about the weekends. Sounds all good and fun UNTIL... it rains EVERY FREAKIN WEEKEND ...
Then what’s the point ya know?!
You do know now.