shark attacks in new york? my kind of new normal!!! thanks, obama!
Was someone gonna tell me there were shark sightings in New York BEFORE I went swimming at the Rockaways? No one was gonna tell me? Ya know, I try and I try to be big and strong, but then I hear that shark attacks are going to be “the new normal for New Yorkers,” and I just wanna say that I think I should be able to decide if shark attacks are going to be the new normal for me. If I choose not to go swimming at the beach, are shark attacks still going to be in my near future? Here’s something: I’m not someone who ignores my nightmares, and I did recently have a nightmare that a Great White Shark was swimming near the shore so I got out of the water before it got to me and I thought I was safe but then the Great White Shark starting walking on four legs out of the water and started chasing me on land and I thought to myself Well I guess this is just the new normal for us New Yorkers am I right and then I was eaten by the Great White Shark. As I’ve said in the past, I do not ignore my nightmares, and I do think sharks are going to have four legs soon. That is the only way shark attacks will become our new normal. Unless a giant wave flies over the city, causing sharks to swim into 70th-floor windows. So there are only two ways shark attacks will become our new normal. The aquarium glass shatters and we all happen to be at the aquarium or the zoo and the sharks fly out and eat us. So, three ways.
The FBI took 11 sets of classified documents from Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Flo Rida. These are the documents they took:
You heard it here first, players. They recovered not only top secret documents, but secret documents, as well, and also confidential documents. The proof is in the Snack Pack: Trump is screwed. I would tell you more about how I know that he’s screwed, but I couldn’t get past the Los Angeles Times paywall, so I guess we just have to trust the top secret documents, the secret documents, and the confidential documents that the agents did be taking from Epcot I mean Mar-a-Lago. But according to some of the information I’ve been able to scroll through on the Los Angeles Times Twitter account, there is apparently proof that Trump tried to leak classified info and took classified info and put it in his home — some of it being about the President of France??? This is a direct violation of the Espionage Act, which until today I thought was the scene before the climax of a play. And in some ways, I guess it technically would make sense to put it there if you were to have a scene about the Espionage Act in a play. Somehow, I figure out how to make my incorrect ideas and thoughts valid.
And while I do love to hear that Trump may have to face consequences for his actions, I don’t actually care enough about this because so many other things in the world have happened since we first started talking about this! And so many other issues in this country have occurred since. For example, a one-bedroom in New York is, like, $5,000 now. And the job market is very sparse for employment that will help you pay for a $5,000 apartment. And my mom spent $175 on gas the other day for a Subaru. And New York has been in a heat wave since maybe the beginning of June. And covid is still very much among us. And only some people are allowed to get the monkeypox vaccine. And I don’t even know if I ever got a polio vaccine!!!
False alarm! I know now.
So many things are stressing us out!! I don’t care if Trump gets in trouble for those top secret, secret, and confidential documents!! The only docs I care about are my vegan leather Doc Martens!! They have done me such good!! Trump is 400 years old he isn’t even gonna survive the court case. But Biden better survive this recession because he has a lot of explaining to do.
If you had the choice to be the best ever at one thing, what would that be? Mine would be trivia because I have a very big trivia final coming up and I’m nervous about it. Kidding, everyone! I am to trivia what a maxxinista is the TJ Maxx. Also a joke I really just am a lucky duck when it comes to trivia. But LET’S BE SERIOUS for a moment. Would it be a good thing to be the best ever at one thing? Would I actually want to be the best at … comedy writing, for example? Or would it go to my head and make me someone who isn’t respected in that field or cause people to not want to work with me? Or would it make everyone want to work with me but not allow me to keep friends or colleagues? Would I want to be the best at communicating with anyone because then I’ll never be in an argument again? Or will that frustrate me because even though I’m the best at communicating, no one else will be good enough for me?
This is something that has been stuck in my huge brain slash little mind for a week or so. Social media has played a huge part in my generation’s life by causing us to compare ourselves to everything we see. One person makes one video that goes viral, and they become the most successful person on the Internet. And better yet, they’re, like, 17. One person makes a crazy trick shot with a soccer ball and has it posted on the Internet, and now they’re sponsored by Nike. And then I wonder if that’s the way I’d want to be successful. One little video that changes my life forever — makes it so that I can never go back. Do I want to be the best at something so that I’m only known for that one thing? So that people think I can’t be good at other things because this one thing has become my whole persona? This is just something I’ve been thinking about during this here recession. So many things to think about during a recession that can give you constant panic attacks! Life is so grool, great and cool, thank you Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls.
Alright, buckos and buckeyes, here are my final thoughts:
Movie rec of the week: The Worst Person in the World
Activity rec of the week: rollerblading
Original quote of the week: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you won’t know where you are!!!
Have a wonderful week, everybody. Tune in next week when Cher and I argue about who can sing Believe better: Cher in the 90s or Cher in Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again.