proof that elizabeth olsen and i are the same person? neither of us have ever met john krasinski
i'm literally not wrong about that
I was really struggling to figure out how to begin this week’s Circle Back this morning. I woke up into either a panic attack or an anxiety attack or an actual attack and couldn’t even see straight (I’m fine don’t worry I don’t know where it came from). Do you ever have one of those panic/anxiety attacks where your mind is moving SO much faster than the rest of your body and then when you’re looking down at your hands you feel like they aren’t moving quick enough for what you want them to do and then there’s like a lag in your eyes or something and I know I said this already but your mind is basically just moving way too quickly? There’s probably a better way to explain that, but it’s very difficult when your fingers aren’t typing as fast as your mind is working! Oh, wait, I have a better way to explain it: it’s like when your stomach is empty and you just drank 11 espresso shots. You’re jittery and you can’t picture anything your mind is trying to imagine, whether it be what your plans are for the rest of the day or a colonial woman on the wing there is something they’re not telling us she was out there churning butter … see, this is what I mean my mind is racing I’m plagiarizing a Bridesmaids quote.
But anyway, my mind is starting to race less as I type this. And whilst I was typing this, I figured out how I want to start this week’s Circle Back — with a kind hello from your friendly, neighborhood Cher:
Alright, now that we’ve dealt with that monstrosity of a beginning, welcome to the newsletter!
The biggest news of the week is that the Sour Punch company tweeted me after I tweeted that I went to a bodega COMPLETELY out of my way (four blocks from my apartment) to find some Sour Punch straws:
Oh, Sour Punch didn’t tell you that they love you? Hmmm. I guess that’s just something you’re all gonna have to live with.
I really thought I was gonna grow out of my need for speed (sour candy), but it’s honestly gotten worse with age. And NO, I’ve never had a cavity. Yesterday when I was walking (very unique of me to do), I saw some disgusting sour candy squished all over the sidewalk, and do you know what it made me do? You guessed it: I walked right into the next bodega and bought myself some Sour S’ghetti. If you don’t know what that is, head over to the closest Walgreens and get yourself some.
I’ll tell you how I continue to validate my need for speed. Does anyone remember that episode of Drake & Josh when the characters Drake and Josh make a bet to see who can leave their obsessions alone the longest — Josh’s being video games and Drake’s being junk food? And then because Drake wasn’t having any junk food or candy, he started to break out in rashes? Well, that’s gonna happen to me if I stop eating sour candy. The proof is right there. Therefore in conclusion I am legally not allowed to stop eating it. Wow, I’m really glad I added this to the newsletter.
An article from The Atlantic popped up on my phone that caught my attention i m m e d i a t e l y:
This is a SUPER interesting subject — so interesting it should be taught in schools. Why do people add LOL to all of their texts, myself included? And it’s all different types of LOLs, too. Now, you may think it’s just a silly millennial/zoomer thing because we don’t know how to communicate normally, anymore, but here’s a thought: what if this is technically considered normal now? I’ll give you some bullet points on the types of LOLs and what they mean:
when you add lol to the end of your text, it’s a way to get your point across. it takes the place of a period because periods are thought of as passive-aggressive. so instead of saying something like, “i’m gonna go get a smoothie and then meet you there.” you instead say “i’m gonna go get a smoothie and then meet u there lol” — now the person on the other end doesn’t think you’re annoyed with them and instead just thinks you really need a smoothie before the rest of the adventure!
sometimes, people also use lol at the end of their sentences when they feel like what they said is kinda lame or embarrassing. for example (and this is a very good example), i didn’t have anything to do after work yesterday so i went to see the new Doctor Strange movie by myself lol — a spot-on example, goddamn
when you text LOL, it usually is a synonym for OMG but in like an “OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS” sort of way
when you text lololol, that means you thought the other person’s text was funny in an “eye-roll” (but a respectful “ok ok you’re funny”) type of way
when you say lmao, this can mean one of two things: it can mean the same thing as lololol, but. it can also be the literal “laughing out loud.” the only way to know which it is if you’re extremely confident in the joke or story you just told. if it was laughing out loud material, that’s what their lmao meant. if it was just you texting your friend to tell them you fell down your stairs again, they’re probably rolling their eyes lol
and finally, the queen bee: putting lol at the beginning of the sentence. that is the passive-aggressive one. that’s the one you’ve gotta be careful about. you just pissed them off a little, and they’re trying to warn you with their lol preface. right now, they’re being reasonable, but. if you don’t catch it, you better say goodbye to everyone you know. if you think this sounds stupid, why don’t you take a look at these two sentences:
i don’t wanna go lol
lol i don’t wanna go
Are you trying to tell me you don’t feel the hostility in sentence two? I was literally uncomfortable writing it lol.
I hope that was a good way to explain all of those. In order to make sure you were all listening, there will be a pop quiz next Sunday. Oh, pop quizzes are surprises? Well then, maybe there won’t be a pop quiz. Unless?
That’s all for this week, buckos! It’s not raining, yet, so I’m gonna make the most of the rest of my day and maybe go rollerblading and maybe even shoot some hoops lol
Thanks for reading! To truly thank you, here is a photo of me matching the wall behind me:
So glad to have the correct netiquette for lol, Kerry. I was really worried that LOL!
Lol we all know what happens when I stop drinking red wine.