petition to get my parents to go back in time and make me a Gap Kids™ model
i'm not even kidding just you wait there's a photo of me in this week's newsletter that is going to get you to agree
Today’s a day where I really should’ve waited to write this until tomorrow because I have gotten maybe seven hours of sleep since returning to New York from Chicago. I got back early Friday morning. I’M STARTING TO CRASH. But it’s ok. We all have to learn our lessons somehow. I relearn this one every so often.
If there’s one thing I learned from this most recent trip to Chicago, it’s that I definitely belong in New York at this point in my life. Actually, if there’s another thing I learned from this most recent trip to Chicago, it’s that my parents really screwed the pooch by not signing me up to be a Gap Kids™ model. I will explain both in order.
I love Chicago. It will always be the greatest city. But ever since moving to New York, I have become so fast — so speedy. Things move much quicker here, even if I’m doing the same things I do in Chicago. The city truly never sleeps. Chicago do be sleeping past a certain time, and it’s a time when I am wanting to go get a snack at a bodega or be able to go for a run or something when there are still people out at any hour of the day. I always have actual excuses to not do things with people because I’m already doing other things, even if they aren’t important. Almost all of the time, none of it is important (until you scrunch your face while you do them and your eyebrows make you look mad, and then it looks like painting your toenails is important to further your career). Being busy is in for me right now.
It was a really nice, bittersweet moment when I realized that going to Chicago was just a trip and that after it, I would be flying back to my apartment where all of my stuff is and my bed is and my friends are and my nail polish is. All important things to go back to and in no particular order. Nail polish is first.
It was so nice to be back home, though. I was there for 10 days and worked remotely at my mom’s and at my cousin’s and took a dog for a walk and tried to calm a baby down whilst I answered emails from B*ggu customers who had no idea that the person that they were talking to a few days ago was now speaking to them from a different city! How cuckoo crazy is that! Not very cuckoo crazy I know I feel like my brain is melting right now I need to sleep I can’t think at all. I’m so tired I don’t even know how to end this section of the newslet-
So the second thing I said I learned from being in Chicago this past time is that my parents should have enrolled me in some kind of Gap Kids™ program that made me become a Gap Kid model. My mom has all of these photos from our childhood that she wants us to decide on keeping or burning in a séance. So I was looking through them and found the stack of photos from when I was 10 or so and my family got professional photos taken. To this day, I had only seen about eight of those photos because they were framed on our wall. But then … I saw … the others. And let me tell you …
I was aggressively adorable.
Need proof? Sure thing!
ARE YOU JOKING, MOM AND DAD? YOU LOOKED AT THIS PHOTO AND YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY SAY, “WE SHOULD GET THIS GIRL IN A GAP AD PRONTO OR EVEN ABERCROMBIE KIDS.”???? I shouldn’t be writing this in all caps because I’m not angry; I’m just disappointed.
I know I’m not even being cuckoo bananas about this. First of all, I forgot I looked like that. Secondly, if you saw this photo on a billboard with other kids or even by herself, you would think she was a Gap Kids™ model. Like, I’m not wrong about that. She looks fake. She looks AI-generated. She’s goddamn adorable, and I will not be speaking to my parents for at least five years because that’s probably how long that career would’ve been, successfully. And for those of you who are going to say this, no, I will not be getting bangs again. That girl is long gone.
Here’s how that life would’ve gone.
We take those family photos. We all realize that, wow, this girl is not just any girl. She’s a Gap Girl. We take me to Gap Kids™ headquarters. I barely walk through the door when the execs see me and say, “Yep! Hired.” My face is on a wall at every mall in America, including the Mall of America. This specific photo is moved to billboards in big cities. They realize that in order to further my career, I become a member of Kidz Bop. My biggest hit is Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson, most likely — possible second hit is Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield. This gets me an interview on Ellen, which gives me an opportunity to join her record label. I choose not to because Greyson Chance joined her record label and hated it after performing Paparazzi by Lady Gaga. We move on. Eventually, I add more jobs to my plate — teeth model for Invisalign, even though I had braces. The gap teeth are no more. They want to appeal to kids, so they instantly think of the famous Gap Kids™ model with cartoon gap teeth who now has extremely straight teeth. We sign on. Young adult television is in my future. It would either have been the later seasons of Glee or something on ABC slash Freeform. It probably would’ve been Switched at Birth or The Fosters. And then after that, probably a skincare influencer for Glossier since I accutane’d it up and now have flawless skin but also a dying liver because of it — the perfect face for Glossier because there’s no oil left in my skin for their skincare to destroy. I take time off to go to college, but I drop out because of a movie role in the next A24 film, but it’s a supporting role. And from there, a chair of the Met Gala. I don’t know how we get there, but the supporting role was trending on Twitter for a while so … Met Gala Chair. THEN, executive producer for a commercial shown during the Super Bowl about former child models and how that career can truly be a hit or miss. This commercial receives critical acclaim and later becomes a docuseries. I win a Pulitzer.
And then who knows! This is just a life that Gap Kids model could potentially have. But also maybe it would’ve just been Gap Kids model and then a veterinarian. THE POINT IS WE’LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. SO if you’re also bummed about this unfortunate predicament, please contact my parents at their respective homes because they really need to hear it from others who believe in me as a Gap Kid 15 years ago. Attached is a petition to get my parents to say, “Ok, that’s on us.” PLEASE SIGN.
Anyway, I don’t have much more to say this week. I am so sleepy. I have a summer ahead of me, so don’t worry. There will be lots to say another time. So long, friends. I’ll see you when I’m a Gap Adults™ model!
tv rec: The Great — historical fictitious comedy about Catherine the Great and Peter the 3rd starring Elle Fanning and Nicholas Hoult about overthrowing the Russian government. It’s so funny, and their chemistry is off the charts. Written by the guy who wrote The Favourite. So good! All three seasons out now!
book rec: why don’t you give me one FOR ONCE
person to give a Gap Kids™ modeling job to: 10-year-old Kerry Cunningham
A few pics of Elizabeth Moen opening for Hozier at Metro Chicago!
Last but not least, a pic of me and Z.
<3
As your manager ... I will have you know I spotted your typo and maybe that was the sleep talking ... maybe it was maybelline (another modeling missed opportunity)