ON TOUR WITH FINOM
don't let this title lead you astray my ghostwriter is actually on tour with them i am sleeping
When I write these weekly, Pulitzer-worthy newsletters for you all, I do my best to make it feel like we’re all here writing them. I want us all to feel like there’s a deadline that we often miss, and I want us all to be staring at walls until we think of something to talk about 10 minutes before we publish. I want us all to feel like Circle Back is life or death — that if we don’t get this out every Sunday sometimes Monday (sometimes Tuesday), someone out there will be given the OK to push a red button. What does the red button control, though? That’s something we never get told. We just have to assume the worst every single week. The red button could esplode the world, or it could cause another Noah’s Ark situation, or maybe it isn’t connected to anything and it’s just there for whoever needed to feel like they had a lot of power for a few minutes a week. But the thing we need to understand here is that Circle Back is a community, a team, a school, a swarm, a family.
So, because of this, I’ve decided that each of you is gonna write the next one. And I want to emphasize that your newsletter needs to be funny. And if it’s not funny, that blue button next to the red button gets pressed. And I actually know what that one’s for. And you’re not gonna be happy. But I’m gonna be happy, which … is kind of strange, actually, that I would be happy about it but it is something that gives me great joy. But you won’t be happy. So get to work, people! There’s a lot of pressure riding on this. Too much pressure. Wait, there’s actually, like, too much pressure that I’m putting on all of you to do this. Hm.
Okay, you know what, I’m actually gonna scratch this whole thing. None of you will be writing this. Not even me. I’ve literally never written this; it has always been my ghostwriter, Liane Moriarty, writing Circle Back. Can’t you tell? The drama, the suspense, the HBO original series vibe of this newsletter I mean DUH. It’s always been Liane.
Liane actually just informed me that she does not ghostwrite this and never has, but that’s exactly what a ghostwriter would say. I guess I’ll write it today.
Ever write a newsletter in the back of a minivan on your way to Alaska? Me neither! But I have done it on the way to Eugene, Oregon. I haven’t been on the West Coast in almost 10 years, but I’ve been given the gorgeous lil opportunity to join FINOM during their tour for the next couple of weeks. I am playing the titular role of NANNY ON TOUR parentheses photographer also but primarily the nanny. Here is a photo of me in the role of NANNY:
And here are a few photos from my role of PHOTOGRAPHER:
So, that’s that.
When I think of Almost Oregon — not Northern California nor Southern Oregon — I think of those beanies with the poof on the top. The beanies with a poof give me Almost Oregon vibes. And when we took a pit stop at a Taproom for some onion rings and a beer (okay, Ms. Gluten!), you’d never guess what this place’s merch was. Yes! Beanies with poofs. And I’m so relieved, too, because if it was just regular beanies as merch then I would be having to rethink all of the opinions that I have. Some of those opinions include:
calling the floor The Ground and the ground The Floor — this is correct
buffalo seitan is better than buffalo caulifower bites
if I have to watch Timothée Chalamet and boygenius do an SNL skit together with all of them dressed as Troye Sivan, I should be allowed to take a mental health day from work on Monday
every band ever should have a cover of Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
Those are just a few of my strongest opinions at this moment in time. If you’d like more of my opinions, you can subscribe to this newsletter and/or follow me on Instagram @kerrycunningham — not for any reason but just to help me get more followers. This girl can’t only be making money off this newsletter, especially since it’s free! It’s all free!!!! There may have to be some Instagram influencing in my ghostwriter’s future so that she can pay my bills!
You know how people always tell you to read things before sending them or resharing them or promoting them?
Do you think parents follow those rules, as well? Not asking for any reason in particular just wondering if hypothetically my mom Michele with one L knows that this account username is called “hoe reacts.” If she ever sends me something from it one day, I’ll bring this idea back up!
Okay, everyone. The service in Almost Oregon is getting spotty, and this newsletter needs to be out by 8 to 8 dark thirty at the latest. West Coast time makes no sense to me. Why is it 4 pm. If it’s 8 pm on November 12th in New York, it is 5 pm on November 15th in Almost Oregon? It sure feels like it. We’ve gotta figure out how to get everyone out of here. They shouldn’t be having to pretend to be living three hours behind ANY LONGER. Joe Biden’s America, huh? Don’t expect a vote from me next season, bucko.
movie rec: The House Bunny (2008) — another opinion of mine is that Anna Faris is a top 10 comedic actress
book rec: The Woman in Me by Britney Spears, but the audiobook with Michelle Williams. just off the waiting list for it on the Libby app, and it is making this amber waves of grain road trip through the West Coast ever more gorgeouser
woman who is dominating in the Grammys categories:
Dave Grohl. Making herstory one strand of hair at a time.
Goodnight and good … night, everyone! c u next week i hope u aren’t mad that u have to write the next one