ok kiddies and kiddos it's 2023 it's time to wonder if Greta Gerwig's Barbie film is gonna be the movie of the year
i think it might end up being the movie of the year but you didn't hear it from me
It’s January 1, 2023. The sun is shining. The cat I am catsitting is zooming. Greta Gerwig is acting (in the movie I am watching on Netflix). So far, the year is pretty chill. Nothing too spicy has occurred since all of the big news happened, like, two days ago. Examples of this are Andrew Tate getting arrested after needing to have the last word against Greta Thunberg (he did not get the last word), Barbara Walters dying, and also that one pope who used to be a Nazi or something dying. A Holy Trinity of end-of-year news, one might say. The only news so far this year is Rolling Stone’s 200 Greatest Singers of All Time list, which I will show you only a few names from:
But now we embark on a new year — a year that doesn’t sound very smooth when you say it out loud. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a smooth year! It doesn’t mean that it won’t be a rocky year! Sylvester Stallone may release a seventh installation. Bad joke. It’s staying.
BUT THE POINT IS that this year is going to be full of opportunities we’ll choose to act on but also full of decisions that are made for us. We’ll get through all of them. We’ll get paid for our writing! We’ll support our friends! We’ll meet new babies! We’ll deal with the Citibike annual fee price increase! And we’ll go to that Taylor Swift concert — not me, but some of you will! And that is OK. We’ll forgive you for it. This year is all about forgiveness. Not like only about forgiveness, but also about it. It’s about forgiveness and optimism and patience and ADHD medication and blind items — blind items like: Jimmy Fallon and Ariana Grande are having an affair? or: Kerry Cunningham is running for president in 2028? They’re all blind items, after all.
After a year this busy, I’ve come to realize that I need to make some resolutions. The first and most important: I need to get a cat. I’m kidding that’s my resolution for 2024. The first is that if I’m ever gonna make a movie or a TV show, I’ve gotta start writing it. The next resolution is that I have to cook more and stay in. And while I do cook more, I need to cook even more. The third resolution is that I’m going to learn how to skateboard. I don’t really care about skateboarding, but I love the thought of walking into a male-dominated skate park looking like I don’t know how to skateboard and then taking someone’s skateboard and doing a kickflip and then giving the skateboard back and then leaving. So yeah that’s the third resolution. My fourth resolution is to buy a helmet.
The fifth is to figure out how to make more money off taking photos. If I can take ‘em, I should be paying my rent with ‘em. It should be that simple. I don’t think I have any other resolutions right now, but it doesn’t mean more won’t arrive.
In 2022, I read books and watched movies and went rollerblading. I ate a lot of tofu and made sauces and drank tequila. I went through three different skincare regimens and finally decided on one (cleanser and moisturizer). I cut my hair and then it grew back really fast so I cut it again and now it’s too short. I dogsat a dog and catsat a cat and cried when I had to say goodbye to them. In 2022, I slept outside on 49th St. from 7 pm to 7 am and sat next to Theo James at Saturday Night Live. I worked at music festivals and saw a nun smoking a cigar. I watched Lea Michele sing that one song she sings on Glee but on Broadway instead and discovered I’m pretty good at bowling. I did a lot of things.
But I didn’t hear back from almost any job I applied to. And I didn’t get enough nutrients for my vegan diet. And I didn’t find a therapist to help me through the cuckoo crazy two years I’ve had, and I didn’t like Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery. Sue me!
So the year was smooth, and the year was rocky, and 2023 will be that, too. I had the opportunity to watch Bones and All in 2022 and didn’t, and I’ll have the same opportunity to watch it in 2023 and probably won’t take it then, either. My stomach is not strong enough for a movie about cannibalism I’m not afraid to say it. In 2022, people were given to us and people were taken from us. And that could happen this year, too. We never know what’s gonna happen to us, ever. But we can’t live life in fear of that! So we need to go write the movie. We need to start responding to job applications (I’m talking to you, Every Job I Have Applied To). We need to keep rollerblading and keep watching movies and keep making jokes. We need to start asking the important questions, like:
I didn’t originally ask this question, but now I need to know.
And most importantly, we need to wear sunscreen. I’m talking to you, Cunningham’s and the entire cast of The Banshees of Inisherin. Sunscreen. Every. Single. Day. Even if you’re just sitting near a window. It’s time to acknowledge how Irish we are.
So get out there and wear that sunscreen, everybody! And do all the other things I said, too! And everybody go see a movie tonight! Or don’t! But definitely consider it! And last but not least, have a wonderful new year.
A few things to end on:
movie rec: Airplane! (1980)
book rec: It’s Always Something by Gilda Radner
quote rec: Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. -Gilda Radner
My friend Morgan might offer skate lessons 👀