not even an Oscar win for a documentary about Israel's genocide against Palestine will stop the Academy from allowing Gal Gadot to present and that's all I'll say about that
in other news: I’ve realized that I’m currently in my “I'm gonna buy a vase in LA and bring it back to NY” era
I always feel like when I go to any kind of show, a tall person always stands in front of me. “But Kerry, everyone’s tall to you—” yes, yes, shut UP. But I feel like tall people (#NotAllTallPeople) do at least consider the fact that they’re tall at a show and try to stand in a spot that isn’t blocking the view for us 5’2 going on 5’3 girls. But maybe I’m so intimidatingly short that I make these Tall People™ overthink where to stand and they get so overwhelmed that they forget what they’re doing and then do the exact opposite. Therefore in conclusion, they stand in front of me. I’ve never watched live entertainment in my life because of this.
One time I was on my friend’s shoulders at Lollapalooza, and she tilted over because she forgot I was on her shoulders (dayum I must be so light haha …) and so I fell forward and thought that was gonna be the end for me and so I impulsively grabbed a random girl’s ponytail in front of me to break my fall. That was a real low. This wouldn’t have happened if everyone just let me stand in the front. There are extremely easy ways to prevent these situations, and no one wants to hear it. And that’s why I’m running for mayor of New York City against former Governor slash accused sexual harasser Andrew Cuomo, as well as current dumbass Eric Adams. I don’t think I need to have any other stances to move forward in this race. I also have no reason to end this part of the newsletter cleanly or smoothly so
I’ve realized that I’m currently in my “I’m gonna buy a vase in LA and bring it back to NY” era. This era doesn’t mean I have the money to impulsively purchase a nice vase because I do not; it means this is the lifestyle that I have been told in my mind to embrace.
I’m currently in LA for about three weeks, and I become Joni Mitchell, Joan Didion, and Jane Birkin more and more with each drop of sunlight I receive. My purse is a basket, my book is constantly being read, and my press-ons are still secure. I’m a young Joni Mitchell in Laurel Canyon buying a vase in the window that’s too expensive but inspires the hot guy working at the Kotn store to write a version of “Our House” for me. Sometimes, that’s the life that’s necessary to live. Sometimes, a man that beautiful makes you consider settling down and having children.
Sometimes, all you need is a little bit of sunlight on your face to feel alive again. Take that from me, a girl sitting outside. You can also get that info from our current Secretary of Health and Human Services — that’s the only sentence on the Health Department’s website right now. Don’t go look. You know what would’ve been funny? If Cheryl Hines was a presenter at the Oscars last night. Also, they made one joke making fun of Vladimir Putin, and it was so lame, but so exactly what the Democratic Party always thinks is enough work — a women’s march, a Presidential candidate dancing on a talk show, a joke about being afraid to stand up to the Kremlin — there’s not much else we as liberals can do!!! Like, if you’re gonna go ahead and make fun of the evil leader of Russia, why don’t you just call him a pussy on stage and then move on? Let’s not beat around the bush haha hahaha hahahaha. That’s not really the joke that needs to be sneaky — he knows he’s evil; look at his house:
oops, sorry, wrong one
Now that we’re on the Oscars:
it took me until literally last night to understand the controversy of Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande during this movie press run … the drama ! they were still so good last night
“Please welcome 4-time Oscar viewer Conan O’Brien” — first and best joke of the night lol
Karla Sofia Gascon getting any kind of attention at the show was unnecessary — the girl is literally Islamophobic
Adam Sandler moment random but fine I’ll allow it
confused by the sexual chemistry between Andrew Garfield and Goldie Hawn whilst they presented Best Animated Film
Just keep Amy Poehler around all the time we know this works
Isabella Rosselini in a Blue Velvet dress … I tear up
Gal Gadot not presenting Best Documentary — an opportunity missed
again the Putin joke — let’s try harder shall we
Mikey Madison winning Best Actress (well-deserved performance) over Demi Moore is basically the entire plot to The Substance
And let’s remember how I look when I’m critiquing an award show full of extremely talented people:
And that’s that, miladies and m’lords and m’theys. I’ll let you know next week if the vase is in my suitcase. A rhyme?
documentary rec: No Other Land — winner of Best Documentary
movie rec: Anora — winner of Best Picture
music rec: Balloonerism by Mac Miller
another music rec: No One by Aly & AJ in honor of Michelle Trachtenberg rip
