Starting this week off the only way I know how:
How is everyone? How are we all doing? What are we all thinking right now? Are we all having a nice little time? Did anyone’s hematite ring break yesterday?
It’s so funny you ask that because my hematite ring broke yesterday after wearing it for four years. And according to Google and some of my friends, when a hematite ring breaks, that means that the ring has absorbed as much negative energy as it can and needs to be returned to the Earth. Ok first off side note why do we capitalize the word Earth it’s not like a proper noun or anything. Ok back to what I was saying: I need to return it to the Earth — somewhere very beautiful and gorgeous and spiritual … like the East River. A hematite ring breaking means that you’re about to move into a new stage of your life (seriously don’t quote me on any of this), but unfortunately there is no way of knowing what this new stage of your life is gonna entail. So that’s super annoying. Now all I have is a ring split in two and the idea of my life changing drastically very soon. Google didn’t actually use the word “drastically” but sest la vye.
Alright, since you’ve all been asking me for months if I’m registered to vote in New York, I’m here to tell you why I’m not. Get ready: it’s quite the one-sentence story.
So several months ago I lost my cute little grey wallet outside of a bar and what’s so embarrassing is I was drinking water when this happened but I lost everything in it which included my debit card my credit card my insurance card and my Illinois driver’s license and so I had to request a new one online from the Illinois DMV because I want a New York driver’s license not a New York state ID so I need them to see that I already have a driver’s license so then I went back to Chicago to pick up the driver’s license and they decided that they were gonna be closed that day so I never got to pick it up so now I have to find a notary to sign a photo of my driver’s license so that I can mail that photo to my mom so my mom can go pick up the driver’s license and mail it to me but I cannot find a notary which sounds absolutely ridiculous so now I can’t vote in New York but that also means that I’m voting in the Illinois midterms one final time and then hopefully I can find a notary to sign the photo of the driver’s license so that I can get my Illinois driver’s license and then get my New York driver’s license. Driver’s license.
So does that make sense? Good. I’m so relieved to finally have that off my chest.
Alright now, let’s talk about what we all came here to talk about. Nepotism babies should not have social media accounts. In this essay, I will
Just kidding this isn’t a silly little essay. This is a manifesto about why I don’t want to see Maude Apatow’s new collaboration with Fendi or Brooklyn Beckham’s new photo book that should’ve never gotten published in the first place. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THESE THINGS. This one is hard for me to admit, but I don’t even want to see Jane Fonda getting arrested for protesting climate change. This is not for my eyes to view.
This topic is something I’m passionate enough about that it makes me want to get rid of all of my social media AT LEAST once a week. And before I begin talking about nepo babies, let me give you a general list of who nepo babies are:
Zoe Kravitz
Maya Hawke
Jaden and Willow Smith
Dakota Johnson
Maude Apatow
Zoey Deutch
Lily-Rose Depp
Lily Collins
Dan Levy
Gigi and Bella Hadid
Gracie Abrams
Miley Cyrus
I’m just adding all of the younger nepo babies, but some of the older ones are Ben Stiller, Laura Dern, Angelina Jolie, Tracie Ellis Ross, Michael Douglass, and Liza Minelli — but we don’t criticize Liza Minelli in this newsletter, thank you very much.
I’m focusing more on the younger nepo babies, though, because they’re the ones who make us feel bad about ourselves. They’ve been fortunate since the day they were born, and since our generation has grown up with social media, it makes it look like people our age are becoming successful quicker than actually possible. It causes us to feel like we’ve failed if we don’t achieve our goals as fast as they are. I know that sounds so silly to you old folk (35 and up), but it’s true. And honestly, it’s not just nepo babies; it’s influencers, too. Social media has made it feel like if we’re not successful in two minutes, we’ve failed. There’s no time left! We have to give up! Spy Kids 3: Game Over, Kerry. See ya!
But why is social media how we measure success? Why do I think that all of those people are the only examples of what success can be? Actually, I know the answer it’s because they’re all anyone talks about ever! Including me. Just kidding. Well, maybe not.
I think it’s important that I don’t measure success with nepo babies. It just makes me sad, and it doesn’t actually motivate me to do anything. If there’s anyone I should really be measuring success with, it’s my alter ego, Kenny. Kenny is what Bagelsmith calls me every time they announce my bagel is ready. Kerry never gets her bagel, but Kenny always does. Kenny is successful. I need to be more like Kenny.
Other than all of that, the New York City Marathon is today — ok what deserves to be capitalized more: New York City Marathon or Earth? From what I’ve seen so far on Bedford Avenue, the runners are running really fast. Almost too fast. Like, slow down. Where are you running to? What are you running from? Literally, what is the rush? Marathons don’t make sense to me. Other things that don’t make sense to me: janitor mops, snapping turtles, what Michael Myers’s issue is with Jamie Lee Curtis, stickers that don’t rip off cleanly, and Sylvester Stallone. A little while ago, I heard some guy on the street s c r e a m i n g on the phone — stop me if I’ve already told this story haha you can’t — and swearing and somebody so aggressively. It was so dramatic that I had to turn the corner and see who it was. Turns out it was Sylvester Stallone! He literally had nothing to be that angry about. I don’t understand him.
Alright, my little runners, my little track stars, this week’s newsletter is over. It’s finished. There’s nothing else to read here. Nothing else for you to see. It’s time to go home. Please. Go home. Oh wait:
Here are pics of my friend Jared who is moving to New York very soon probably actually right this minute he’s moving here most likely:
movie rec: After Yang (2021)
book rec: A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
music rec: The Mamas & The Papas — really anything by them
person to have a top-secret handshake with: Maude Apatow just kidding me just kidding Kenny
Alright, what else is here to say hmmmmmm I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something right now what is it I just can’t remember oh well I guess I can stay here and just chat for a while or some-
Bye!