my dad joined the church of scientology this week does anyone have any questions about that
i'm just kidding about him joining the church of scientology ... unless?
The time has finally arrived
The world is changing
The Illinois driver’s license
Is becoming a New York driver’s license
On
Tuesday.
Mhm, yep, that’s right. I applied for to be (this was a typo but then I said it out loud and it made me laugh so it’s staying) a New Yorker, and it’s happening in two days. And you can bet your ASS I’m an organ donor, honey. Oh, you need a kidney? Sure thing! Oh, your friend needs one, too? You betcha! And now your other friend needs one, also as well? Get in line, bitch! I only have two! What do you want from me? Three kidneys? Read a book! No one has three — except for a 38-year-old man in Brazil several years ago whose lower back pain revealed three kidneys.
And you can bet your ASS I’ll be voting in New York, ya dumb Yankees! You silly northerners! No longer voting in the South for this lil lady, as in south of New York and definitely the Midwest and most definitely not the South. Some people call Chicago the “South of the North,” so … I’ll be writing in the name of the man with three kidneys on my New York ballot for the next President, that’s for sure. Someone with three kidneys absolutely knows how to run a country, I can tell you that.
VERY QUICK STORY TO TELL
My dad just recently moved to Los Angeles, which is a very lowkey place that no one has ever heard of and never will hear of, to pursue a career in acting. I hear that LA is the place to pursue that type of career, so he’s on the right track, but it is also a place of thieving and trickery and conniving and bamboozling and … pretty much every single word in this tweet:
Anyway, my dad has been taking improv classes and acting classes and different types of workshops since moving there. He had been reaching out to places when learning about their workshops and got invited to one by an alleged casting director who gave him an address to go to for an acting workshop. This was the address:
4810 Sunset Blvd
And here is what 4810 Sunset Blvd looks like:
So you can imagine my father’s surprise when he ended up there.
The workshop entailed giving my dad a tour of the place (the place being the Church of Scientology building), having him watch recruitment videos in not only one section of the building — a lobby — but a second section of the building — a hallway, and then asking him what he had heard about Scientology to which he replied, “It is a cult.” And to that, they said, “It’s not a cult.” And that is exactly what a cult would say.
After each video, they would turn to him and say, “What’d you think of that?” And my dad would say, “It’s interesting.” That’s so him.
When I asked my dad if there was even an acting workshop there, he said, “No, none at all.” But maybe that was the acting class. Maybe, just maybe, they were doing a whole bit and being in character as Scientologists to see if they were convincing enough to get my dad to join Scientology. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, it worked.
How do I know if my dad did or did not join the Church of Scientology? Would he tell me if he did? He said he didn’t, but how do I know if that’s true? How do I know if he isn’t already a high-ranking Scientologist? He used to criticize Tom Cruise, but now he stands up for him when I try to criticize Tom Cruise! What the hell is that about? Only a Scientologist would change their mind that quickly about Tom Cruise.
Also, my dad has this weird look in his eyes now. I haven’t seen him blink once on FaceTime. I started talking to him about L. Ron Hubbard, and he interrupted me to correct me and said, “Actually, we — I mean they called him LRH.” Quite the Freudian slip! Then my dad said, “Eh, that’s not really a Freudian slip, Kerry.” Who’s writing this newsletter, Dad? SHUT UP.
So, yeah, I think LA is really working out for him. I’m visiting him in a month, and he said he has this great place for me to stay. The address is 1308 L Ron Hubbard Way. I’m sure it’s of no relation.
As we all know, the 2024 Academy Award nominations were announced this week. Here’s the highlights:
Oppenheimer has 13 nominations
three technically foreign films were nominated in the Best Picture category
Past Lives
Anatomy of a Fall
The Zone of Interest
the best actress nomination is Emma Stone vs. Lily Gladstone
Ryan Gosling was nominated for playing Ken in Barbie, pretty much exclusively because they want him to perform “I’m Just Ken” at the Oscars
Danielle Brooks and Da’Vine Joy Randolph were nominated for Best Supporting Actress, which is very exciting as two women of color who were only known for television before this
Christopher Nolan may win Best Director, even though he shouldn’t even be nominated — no offense, Christopher Nolan
But the biggest issue people had was the fact that Greta Gerwig was not nominated for Best Director and Margot Robbie was not nominated for Best Actress. Like, it was a big deal:
Girl, shut up! You won the popular vote. You didn’t become President. Get over it. You’re doing exactly what you have done in your career, which is ignoring the real issues/achievements. More women of color were nominated this year than most years past, and that is barely being discussed in the media because of stupid-ass tweets from big names like Hillary Clinton.
Greta Gerwig will get another nomination with The Chronicles of Narnia, and Margot Robbie should still be mad about not winning for Babylon. What we should really be excited about is the fact that Lily Gladstone is going to become the first Indigenous person to win Best Actress, and Da’Vine Joy Randolph is going to go from playing a detective in Only Murders in the Building to being known as “Academy Award Winner Da’Vine Joy Randolph.” THAT’S SO EXCITING. And Hillary Clinton will forever be known for this:
And I will sleep soundly with all of this information.
Also, Hillary. You haven’t asked for a ceasefire in Gaza! You actually said that there shouldn’t be one! And now you’re tweeting about how sad and upsetting it is that two white girls didn’t get Oscar noms! Stop it! Drink some water!
I think that’s enough for today. I hope you got some laughs. I hope you got some eyebrow raises. And I hope you don’t get a call from my dad asking you to join the Church of Scientology. Have a wonderful week, pre-Scientologists!
movie rec: Anatomy of a Fall (2023)
cat to be aware of because he is so cute and sweet: my friend Lama’s cat Pabu thank you Lama for letting me watch Pabu for free you are a great friend
favorite portrayal of L. Ron Hubbard to check out: Philip Seymour Hoffman as Lancaster Dodd in The Master (2012)
Hello my name is Linda Lobotomy. I am the top Scientology recruiter in the LA area please call me