mom! Joe Biden vetoed the ceasefire again! ground him! take away his big red button!
throw him into the White House bowling alley and lock the doors! teach him a Lesson
Can I say something, readers?
Can I say something, friends?
Can I say something, comrades?
It’s beginning to feel a little more cuckoo bananas than usual writing silly shit on my computer whilst the country I’m writing them in is funding a genocide! Is that silly! Is that silly to say! Can I say something, everybody?
How is it that pro-Palestine protests have been happening every single day for two months straight all over the world and our elected officials still aren’t calling for a ceasefire? Is that a silly question! Is it silly of me to wonder why Joe Biden hasn’t been dishonorably discharged from office, yet, for being a war criminal? Is it silly of me to ask why Joe Biden hasn’t been removed from office, yet, for being Too Damn Senile — for being Too Damn Soft In The Head? Can someone see if Joe needs help unlocking the bathroom door? It’s the bathroom next to Lincoln’s bedroom. He’s been in there since 1972.
I’m not being ageist, but I think we can all agree that people who look like Joe Biden hit the age limit for powerful positions … decades ago.
Can someone tell me why people were laughing and holding Israeli flags outside their high-rise windows while we marched for Palestine below them in Brooklyn yesterday? At a protest where all we were asking was for Israel to stop killing Palestinians and for the United States to stop funding it, there were people in their Park Slope apartments letting us know that our chants meant nothing. And right below those assholes was a young boy and his mom looking out from their window, crying and waving a keffiyeh. And you’re gonna tell me that there’s still a grey area when talking about the genocide of an entire people? That this isn’t black and white?
There were a lot of signs that said GENOCIDE JOE and CEASEFIRE NOW and had quotes from Refaat Alareer that would give you chills. And while I love a poetic or intelligent sign, I’d have to say that my favorite was the one that said, JOE BIDEN RETIRE BITCH. Just right to the point — telling it how it is. This man needs to get the hell outta office. He makes more bad decisions than good, and the good ones aren’t good enough. And the bad ones are literally killing people:
Obviously, Joe Biden isn’t only making bad decisions because he simply ~ isn’t all there ~ anymore and doesn’t know what he’s doing; he’s also just an evil man who sucks and is also the worst as well. BUT if we wanted to try to guess what could actually be happening behind the scenes when these decisions are made, I would assume this:
I think they created those dog buttons for Joe Biden — the ones that they have for dogs to step on when they want something, whether it be a treat or a walk or a pet or whatever. I think there used to be, like, seven buttons for Joe, but now there are only maybe … three:
Food
Potty
Genocide
There used to be a button for student loan comments, but he has completely forgotten about those. They may return, though, we really don’t know.
My guess is that the three buttons keep getting switched up whenever Joe needs to play a version of Tricky Cups to help strengthen whatever amount of memory he has left, but he keeps losing and continues to press GENOCIDE when he means to press POTTY. “Uh, are you sure you’re not hungry, Joe? Dontcha wanna press that button?”
GENOCIDE
GENOCIDE
GENOCIDE
It’s tough; he probably is very hungry, but he also wants to be on the wrong side of history. I guess it’s no dinner again tonight! Time to send Israel some more ammo! I feel like the rumors about Joe Biden’s dogs biting the Secret Service and having to be removed from the White House were created to cover up the real rumors, which … well … it was Joe Biden biting the Secret Service. And according to button number six from the original seven buttons that he would use, if a dog bites a White House staff member once, shame on them; if a dog bites a White House staff member twice, shame on it; but if a dog bites a White House staff member 11 times, RETIRE BITCH.
Wow, haha! That was a lot! I don’t know what happened there! Something took over, and … I liked it.
Even though I gave you all a list of holiday gift ideas last week, I’m still struggling to figure out what I want. Here’s what I have so far:
one singular plate because only one of my plates broke the other day
new socks or just for someone to sew up the holes in all of the socks I already have
for my landlord to be really cool about me trying to take in seven cats before Christmas
a fire escape so that I can escape if there’s a fire
for the radiator in my room to have a temperature in-between being so hot that I have slid off my bed, slipped through the window and out of the building and then just, like, not even being on
Paul Mescal to ask me out on a date so that I can show him how good my Irish accent is
actually, I do want some new socks
a gun
i don’t actually want a gun i just wanted to see if you were still listening
world peace
So, I don’t know if these can all fit in Santa’s sleigh or even get down my chimney in time for Christmas, but he’s gonna have to check out the area (and check it twice) because I don’t have a fire escape for him to come in quickly and quietly. He’ll either have to text me when he’s here or call my landlord. Also, the seven cats should be in here before that day, so if he’s allergic or something he should let me know beforehand. I can’t believe this is how I’m ending this week’s newsletter.
This week, make sure to go to the movies. There are some great ones out right now. For example, my movie rec of the week is Poor Things (2023), which I just went to see today. Yorgos Lanthimos? More like, Yorgos is doing the LanthiMOST. STOP IT KERRY.
This movie was so fun and truly the reason why Nicole Kidman famously says, “We come to this place for magic.” This movie was magical. Emma Stone, you can have your Academy Award now. Mark Ruffalo, I’ll see you after class. It’s so pretty and cool and funny and exactly what we all wanted. All of us collectively. We all want the same things. Like a very good movie. Or for a ceasefire. We all want this.
Tune in next week for ideas on how to tell your family that you’re not coming home for the holidays! Haha alright that’s enough. It’s time to go drink some water.
what is your address? I will send you socks.
I will spread the rumor.