mitch mcconnell thinks the green m&m should keep her white boots
because green m&ms wear boots just as often as m&ms
Good evening, my circling back sisters! My sisters who circle back. My readers of the night. It’s great to be back on my iPad mini writing you all this incredibly heartfelt newsletter about what it’s like to be someone who legally needs to be drinking more water. What do you get when you cross a 5-foot-2 redhead whose liver has decided to lead her life down a different path (aka Accutane circa 2015) with a little something I like to call “a handful of tequila” and a 9am shift the following day? Well, you get several things: a 5-foot-2 redhead who is so dehydrated it almost feels fine-worthy, a very nice coworker who switched his 12:30pm shift with her 9am shift, and a radiator that has been dripping all night just to keep her on her toes — just to let her know that there are going to be some consequences in the morning. Anyway, I don’t know who this person is exactly, but I’m sure there’s some 5-foot-2 redhead out there who once was on a very strong acne medication and has never even heard the word “water” before. She’s probably not writing a weekly newsletter right now with her eyes closed because ~the uh-lights are uh-too uh-bright~ and is also probably still not drinking water, which she is going to do right now just give her one sec. I am thinking of her tonight.
I’d like to begin this week’s newsletter with one of my favorite pieces of news from the week (was that repetitive? it doesn’t matter it’s staying) that has to do with the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act, which would make illegal voting rules that discriminate on the basis of race, language, or ethnicity and empower voters to challenge discriminatory laws:
That’s right, folks! If you look at the statistics, African-American voters are voting at just as high a percentage as Americans! In response to this, Stephen Colbert (and whoever wrote this line for the show) said it best, “Wow. How embarrassing, that it came out exactly how he meant it.” It’s not just Mitch McConnell preventing this act from passing or the filibuster from reforming (abolishing is preferred), it’s Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema and everyone else who allowed 41 GOP senators to block it. Quite the undemocratic US Senate! No progress has been made in this country, and anyone who argues with that is being ignorant. “In this country, American means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate.” - Toni Morrison (1992)
In more inspiring news, I think we’re gonna reach our petition goal!
You’ve gotta work with what you got, and right now, we gotta get the green M&M her boots back. Try buying boots like that today: $300. You can’t take someone’s boots. In this political climate? You’re just looking to get cancelled.
This past week, I went to visit my dad in gool ol’ Orlando, Florida, where I exclusively listened to Flo Rida and just kind of sat outside. While I was looking forward to seeing my dad and my lil baby cutie angel face doggo Indy, I wasn’t super excited about the whole “Orlando” thing. The last time I went to Orlando was 13 years ago — my family’s first and last time going to Disney World. Oh, why was that your last time going, Kerry? What happened? That’s a very good question, and thank you for asking it. I was 12-years-old, and the world was my fuckin oyster. I was about to see where dreams are made of. Unfortunately, Aunt Flo had other plans for me. OF COURSE my first (and last) time going to Disney World, I got my first period. Now, every time I see Mickey Mouse’s face, I get war flashbacks.
SO I did not go visit Disney World during this trip. Orlando is weird outside of Disney World. The entire city is a mall. It always surprises me that people live in places like that. Like people just be livin in a mall city. And then there’s also, like, alligators there. What the hell is that about. I’m just trying to visit my dad and take my pretty little strolls and tiny little swims, but then there are GATUHS watching my every move. I’m not interested in that. There were literally signs that said, NOTICE: WE HAVE THE GATORS. Those things can just eat you whole. That’s not really the way I wanna go out. And while I’m explaining that I hate alligators, I also very much respect them and do not like that people kill them for boots and belts and stuff like that. Wait. Do y’all think the green M&M’s boots are made of alligators? This changes my entire petition-signing decision if this is the case. Okay, I need to stop talking about this it’s starting to not make sense.
The final thing I will talk about today (because I already have to focus so hard at work right now to make sure that the 5-foot-2 redhead gorl from earlier does not throw up all over the acetate frames) is the fact that there is a ghost named Vanessa in my apartment. Don’t ask me why that’s her name; these are things you’re just kind of told internally when there is a ghost. Anyway, I went to wash my face in the bathroom, right? And there’s a window in my bathroom, okay? And the window does not lead to the outside, ya know? It’s just a wall basically with a chute. So, as I’m washing my face, I hear a woman’s voice singing from the window. And it’s not like any normal singing; it’s Tiptoe Through The Tulips style singing. And we all know that singing is not tolerated. I just wanted to use this public platform to address the ghoul in the room: Vanessa, you are welcome here. I mean no harm. What’s mine is yours. I’m a Pisces with a Libra rising, which means I’m super cool and nice, so I just want that to be known by you. Also, if you wouldn’t mind keeping an eye out for Selener, the mouse in my house (specifically in my radiator), I would very much appreciate that.
Oh, also! My ~former~ manager, Kat, at Warby Parker has just decided to leave her Warby Williamsburg stomping grounds, which I am not happy about. But she reads my newsletter, and she literally threatened me and said that if I don’t say something about it in my newsletter, bad things will happen. She said that! I don’t know what this dedication should be, so I’ll let Cher do the honors:
Oh, my God, Kat, I am so sorry that is literally so embarrassing hold on:
Here are some pics from Flo Rida: