it's crazy how quickly the first gorgeous Sunday of the year makes you realize that it really was just seasonal depression
call me Danny Zuko because I am summer lovin and havin a blast
So something about me is I finally checked something off my bucket list that I’ve been wanting to check off since I moved to New York. Yep. You guessed it: a car door opened on me whilst I was Citi biking. Hm. Perhaps I should’ve started with a trigger warning, but I am here to announce that I did not get hurt and that I am alive and also living. So yeah just wanted to start this week’s Circle Back with a little jump scare for my parents.
I know you’ve all been uncomfy with the fact that I haven’t mentioned Whoopi Goldberg or Sister Act or Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit in a while, but I’m here to tell you that I have new Whoopi things to discuss. First, Whoopi got laser-eye surgery. The woman does not need Warby Parker any longer. All she needs is a group of girlies talkin smack on a daytime show and an attitude. So that’s the first thing. Second, my friends got me one of the greatest birthday gifts I could ever receive. LL Bean sells a boat tote that you can get custom embroidery on. Here it is:
I mean…
It’s time I was finally given an official title, preferably in the form of an embroidered bag.
It’s a lot of work and pressure being the number one Whoopi fan. I will say, though, that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and have decided that I would never want to meet Miss Caryn Elaine Johnson, also known as Whoopi Goldberg. I think I am afraid of her. I think it would not be a good idea to have a conversation with her. And I also think it wouldn’t be good for her to know who I am. Deep down, I feel as though something very bad could happen to loved ones, as well as the rest of the planet, if Whoopi and I were put in the same room. Actually, it would be almost impossible to get us both in the same room. Time travel would have to be real in order for this to become more of a possibility. Is it because Whoopi and I are one? Well, I can’t tell you that. It could literally cause the sooner destruction of this planet as we know it. It already happened once on Pluto, and we all know where that planet went. Actually, we don’t. It disappeared. Exactly.
I took this photo this week to test my new lighting:
Pretty good lighting, if I do say so my goddamned self. But what you don’t know about this photo is that it’s actually cropped. Ok, so now you know that. This is the original photo:
Still a cool pic, but this backdrop is incredibly tiny. This cannot continue. So on this gorgeous Sunday, my friend Brenna (known to some bagel places as Rhonda when her name is called out) and I traveled to the depths of Hell: 34th Street. There, we entered the most overwhelming camera store: B&H Photo Video. This store is if the ABT Electronics store in Glenview, Illinois didn’t serve fresh cookies in their kitchen department. It’s horrible. But it has everything, including nine-foot seamless paper backdrops.
Something I’ve learned about myself is that I am so bad at measuring things with my eyes. I have friends who are over six feet tall, so I thought nine feet would be, like, not that tall. Well,
I’m not afraid to admit when I’m dumb whoops typo I mean when I’m wrong. And we grabbed two of these and trekked them back to Bushwick. And before that, we walked 20 blocks to the L so that we could get on at the train’s first stop before anyone else got on. And before THAT, we rollerbladed four miles. So picture this: actually wait you don’t have to!
I’m so sorry Brenna I didn’t know your villanous laugh was gonna be in this video.
I thought that maybe it was just the boxes that were so tall because, again, I’m bad at any kind of math, but then I opened it up and I was dumb whoops typo I was wrong again. We thank my landlord this first and last time for having a building with very high ceilings.
So just a recap: rollerbladed four miles, walked 20 blocks with two 9-foot backdrops, got on the train back to Brooklyn, AND then Brenna Citi biked home. I’m almost 93% positive that no one ever in the world in history has ever done these things consecutively, and that’s something to think about. Well, except maybe Whoopi Goldberg.
Other than all of that, I’ve really been enjoying the Gwyneth Paltrow trial where she took someone to court for skiing into her while she was skiing and caused her to lose a whole half day of skiing. And then the other guy is suing her for skiing into him and causing a brain injury. And this happened in 2016. And all the defense lawyer (I think it’s the defense lawyer? don’t care enough to look it up) has done is prove to us that she needs a talk show. And all Gwyneth Paltrow has proven to us is that her bone broth diet has not improved her skiing skills.
Arrested Development is historical fiction.
Not much else to say this week. Being 26 has been very exhausting. It feels like I have more laundry to do now that I’m 26, so I have to go do that. Have a wonderful rest of your week!
movie rec: Under the Silver Lake (2018) — all I’ll say about this one is that I’m so glad Los Angeles isn’t a real place
tv show rec: Succession — final season premiere tonight go do a refresh
music rec: Aurora by Daisy Jones & The 6 — I know this is silly, but I can’t get the songs out of my head, so I may as well get them stuck in yours, too. Why did that sound so weird.
someone to hire to take photos of you: me