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it is so tough choosing which billionaire's app to support these days
i feel like rebecca black on a friday! life is so hard
Alright, it’s time we talk about the elephant in the room:
What is he doing in there?! More on this next week.
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The actual elephant in the room is the new app Threads, Mark Zuckerberg’s Instagram attachment. While I am all for leaving Twitter to get away from Elon Musk’s reign, need I remind us that we also hate Mark Zuckerberg? Don’t they both suck, like, so bad? But aren’t we all also on Instagram? So shouldn’t we not be using Instagram, Threads, or Twitter, in order to keep away from these billionaire bozos? But that would basically take us off of almost all platforms for social media. And the world continues to expand in technology and media and social apps that it’s basically impossible to not be on one. So I guess we decide which billionaire is better: the man who married Grimes or the man who has a bottle of BBQ sauce on his bookshelf? I think those were unfair examples. How about the man who lied about having a bachelor’s degree from the University of Pennsylvania or the man who has a bottle of BBQ sauce on his bookshelf? Well, I’m not gonna get rid of Instagram anytime soon, and Threads is connected to that app, so I guess it’s decided: I’ll keep all three.
Imagine being the former mayor of New York and getting put on blast by The New York Times that you’re in an open relationship. POV you’re on a date with Chirlane McCray and end up back at her place having a glass of wine to find Bill de Blasio in his mocassins asking for your opinion on charter schools.
If you had to read this headline from the New York Post, you may be entitled to financial compensation. My headline would’ve been:
And just like that, newly single Bill de Blasio is spotted out to dinner with Carrie Bradshaw … wait, is that Sarah Jessica Parker? Wait, is Carrie Bradshaw not real? Well, Sarah Jessica Parker is married to Matthew Broderick. Wait, where’s Matthew Broderick? Are we finding out right now that they’re separated? What do you mean I’m starting a rumor with this headline? What do you mean this headline is too long? What do you mean that’s not Bill de Blasio? Oh, that’s Matthew Broderick? Oh, okay, I’m not wearing my glasses right now. I need a new eye exam, anyway. I fell asleep in my contacts a few weeks ago, and now I can only see the color green. Now that I think about it, I have no idea what Bill de Blasio looks like, anyway.
So, yeah, that would be my headline. Journalism is so easy.
Speaking of good journalism:
Are men not allowed to do anything, anymore? What is the world coming to? Bill de Blasio, what are you going to do to prevent people who are preventing men from having hobbies? Oh, you’re not the mayor, anymore? Well then, what are you doing here, at the bar across from Gracie Mansion? A blind date? Me, too! Wait … William?
THAT WAS A JOKE relax I’m currently running on fumes the power is literally out in my apartment now and I am typing anything that comes to mind. Currently on my mind: Bill de Blasio. BUT NOT ANYMORE. Now, this note from Beyoncé to Mark Ronson is on my mind:
Yeah, yeah, Mark Ronson is gonna be in the Barbie soundtrack that’s so great really excited about the movie HOLD THE PHONE: are we finding out right now that this is Beyoncé’s handwriting? Does she write like every single girl who went to my all-girls Catholic high school? This piece of news has shaken me to my core. It was my understanding (from the information that I, myself, created) that Beyoncé exclusively writes in cursive or Times New Roman. This handwriting, simply, cannot be.
I’m gonna give four options on what could have happened here before I fully assume Beyoncé writes like the girl who pulled the fire alarm with me in fifth grade:
Beyoncé’s assistant wrote this
if this is true, why would the assistant also sign her name? and not in cursive? why would she not just have the whole thing printed on cardstock and add a stamp of her signature?
Blue Ivy wrote this
i don’t think this is the case because i think Blue Ivy would have some sort of inside joke with Mark Ronson because i think Blue Ivy has a lot of street cred and also she would’ve signed her own name
Mark Ronson’s assistant wrote this
this would be very embarrassing, and if this is true, he can forget about Beyoncé ever reaching out to him again
Blue Ivy may still reach out to him
Mark Ronson wrote this
this … could be something
Don’t you all love that this is something you’re thinking about now? Never in your life did you think you’d know that Beyoncé sent clothes from her clothing line to Mark Ronson, and never did you think you’d have to find out or even imagine what Beyoncé’s handwriting looks like. But I’ve changed this for you. I’ve changed your entire day. Now, we all feel the need to get to the bottom of this. Bill de Blasio: if you’re reading this, let me know if it changed your thoughts on charter schools. I don’t know why it would, but I can’t look up your Wikipedia page right now to see what else you did/commented on during your reign as NYC mayor because the power is out in my apartment and my landlord won’t be able to come fix it until 9 pm tonight.
I promise I will never speak of Bill de Blasio again. I will probably talk about Mark Ronson again, though, because I feel like he’ll probably write a card addressed to him from Madonna soon.
Something about me from this week: I went to Moma on my day off and discovered my new favorite painting.
I don’t think I even need to explain it. It’s a little ghost eating bread in 1934. So relatable. New fav painting, easily.
Well, my power is still out, but I have a large glass of cold water to keep me busy. It will take me until about 9 pm to finish drinking it.
Have a wonderful weekend, girly girls and boyly boys. Do yourself a flavor and eat a Taki today.
movie rec: Stepmom (1998) — Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon and Johanna from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire I guarantee you cry watching this
music rec: I’m so sorry, Taylor Swift, but I’m gonna be listening to Speak Now (Scooter’s Version) this week. I respect the dedication to your musical independence, but that version is just … better.
If You Or A Loved One Suffers From Mesothelioma (Needing Someone To Write Or Take Photos), You May Be Entitled To Hiring Me, Kerry Cunningham