Is that a person or six rats in a trenchcoat?

Either way, I am crossing the street.

There are so many things to look at in New York. I love it. The other night when I was walking home after work, I saw a rat cross my path, and then when I looked to see where the rat came from, there were six more rats. I’m not saying I loved that, but I appreciate the new experience.

I’m always walking past people and hearing a sentence out of their conversations. Sometimes, if they’re good enough, I’ll even write the sentence down because it’s too good to forget. From what I’ve seen, there are often two police officers in busy subway stations waiting to get their daily arrests in, and they are often having very in-depth conversations about the most useless information. The other day, one said to the other, “I got the .07s because it's a finer tip.” They were either discussing Pilot gel pens or something else that is none of my business! Another time, I heard a guy, who was not holding a yoga mat, mansplain how to do yoga to a woman who was literally holding a yoga mat. “Yeah, usually I just breathe a lot during yoga. You should totally think about incorporating meditation into your yoga.” These aren’t amazing examples, but they are just a couple of thousands of passing conversations I’ve heard that have inspired me to say something wild whenever I pass someone. One example is, “You need to stop putting your socks in the oven, Grandma!” Another could be, “Carol, you know what will happen if you get within 30 feet of a Trader Joe’s again, don’t you?” Again, not my best, but they are definitely my cleanest. Feel free to start with those.

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Moving into my apartment has been a bit of a wake-up call. And by wake-up call, I mean that I haven’t put my curtains up because I am the same height as a Yorkshire Terrier, and the sun awakens me at like 6 am. These are things I didn’t think about. When I realized I needed a ladder, I went looking for it in the apartment. A few moments later, I realized that in order for my apartment to have a ladder, I would, in fact, have to purchase one. Then, I realized that I did not have a drill to put the curtain rods up. Once that had been figured out, I just went to bed. There are so many things you forget don’t come with the place you move into. My dad had a ladder for every occasion. He had a stepladder for grabbing things off high shelves, a regular ladder so that I myself could grab things off high shelves, a big ladder to get things out of storage in the garage, and an even bigger ladder in case I needed to climb up a beanstalk. I now have zero ladders, which is a problem because the cabinets in my apartment were made for a Skarsgård, not Danny Devito.

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In honor of Halloweekend returning, I bought two Hwigs: one is a short, gray wig that has like a little flavor to it — like maybe I’m the most powerful woman in fashion (this is a hint also it is a fictional character it’s not Anna Wintour), or maybe my entire Halloween costume is a gray Hwig. The other is a big blonde wig; I’m not gonna tell you who I’m being, but I will say that it’s Jennifer Coolidge. I’ve been practicing her voice a lot, and I think it’s definitely something. If you feel like it, tell me what you’re being for Halloween in the article comments! I will not reply; I just want to know everything about everyone.

Thank you to everyone who read last week’s newsletter! It was a lot to write about, and it felt kind of weird posting it, but it’s nice to have been able to sort of talk about it! I don’t have a lot to write about this week — been busy building IKEA furniture and selling Warby Parker glasses. If anyone has any questions about their glasses prescriptions or wants to know what glasses would look the best on them, I am your fricken gorl. I am a glasses queen. I know the exact shape your face is looking for. I am sooooo good at picking glasses up and then dusting the shelves and then putting the glasses back down. I am … very nervous. Actually, don’t ask me anything about glasses or prescriptions I am but a new employee who stares at the prescriptions and then says, “Oh, yeah. Yep. Yeah, for sure you definitely can’t have those frames. Yep. Prescription is not right for those. Oh, this is a Duane Reade receipt? Oh, okay, coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool. Yep, it’s still a no on those frames. Have you thought about the Felix frames in Pacific Crystal? Could be great for your prescription. Oh, it’s just another Duane Reade receipt? Okay, I think I may have to resign immediately.

~ something that made me laugh ~

~ music I’m listening to this week: Adele. Just a bunch of Adele. It’s that time of the fricken year, my friends ~