instead of hiring jimmy kennel to be a late-night host, we should be hiring me
too many jimmys in the late-night club and not enough kerrys!
I’m not afraid to say it: there are TOO many late-night talk show hosts named Jimmy. We Have Jimmy Fallon, James Corden (maybe they call him Jimmy behind closed doors we don’t know), Jimmy Kimmel, and now we have JIMMY KENNEL? Too many Jimmys! Four too many Jimmys, in my way too honest opinion. Also, so far, Jimmy Kennel does not seem like a very good host. For instance, the only person he’s interviewed is Ringo Starr. Why does Ringo have the opportunity to hang with the new Jimmy, and no one else does? And why has no one but Ringo met Jimmy Kennel? Is Jimmy Kennel even real? Only Ringo knows…
We need more diversity in late-night. Why do all the hosts look like Jimmy Kimmel? We didn’t need Jimmy Kennel; we needed a Jenny. Put a lady on the mic! Jenny Kennel. Ok, this joke is now over I am so sorry about it.
I’ve been frequenting the movie theatres lately because directors and other people who make the movies have been returning to their old ways and have been exclusively releasing the filmz in theatres. And ya girly needs to go see them before the Oscars on March 27th. The Oscars are taking so long to get here that I am gonna be 25 when I watch them. I was hoping to watch them in my innocence of 24, but sest la vye. Anyway, I’ve been going to the movies, and I’ve noticed that the ones where it’s just me and a bunch of old ladies (old ladies includes the old men and old others as well I just think old ladies is a good inclusive term) are usually the best movies. I saw Licorice Pizza, which was just us and a handful of the oldies, and that movie was gorg. I saw Beasts of the Southern Wild years ago, and it was just a few of us and old ladies, and that movie made me CRY. Drive My Car? Yeah, obvi it was us and the ol girlies. That’s MY Best Picture winner right there. My friend and I saw 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day when it was first released, and there were seven people in the theatre: me, my friend, and five old women. And as we all know, that is a movie made for old women. I just saw Jackass Forever and was hoping it would just be old ladies in there, but alas, my hopes were much too high.
And that’s just how life works sometimes, y’all. When you put all of your faith in the old ladies who go to 12:20 pm movies, you start to become too dependent. And when you become too dependent, you get upset when you purposely went to the 12:20 pm show and the old ladies decided to go to the 9:30 am show. And then you go see Death on the Nile, which you knew was gonna be better if you were watching it with Ethel, Gertrude, and Queen Elizabeth II (those are the first three old lady names that came to mind). And now you’re having to blankly stare at the screen when Gal Gadot throws champagne into the Nile and says, “…and enough champagne to fill the Nile!” It just … doesn’t hit the same way it would’ve.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: don’t depend on Ethel, Gertrude, and Queen Elizabeth II to make a movie better for you. Sometimes, you have to be the one to make a good movie for old ladies to go see at 12:20 pm. I’m not gonna lie, I had no idea where I was going with any of this, but now I feel like I said something really inspiring and I hope that one day I make a movie that Ethel will want to go see. I don’t really care about Gertrude’s opinion, and we all know Queen Elizabeth II only like dog movies. Ethel’s the real critic. We love and respect you, Ethel.
This reminded me of the other day when this woman on the subway was shouting about how she joined a TV show in its, like, seventh season, and she felt so out of place there that she left after the first day. She was telling absolutely no one about this on the train — it was really for anyone who would listen, so I guess it was for me. I’m gonna guess that if this story was even true which it isn’t that it was probably for Grey’s Anatomy or something because people join that show faster than Joe Biden gets shit done in the White House (but not as fast as Joe Biden sends troops to Ukraine!). And if this story is true which it isn’t, then I’m gonna guess the lady on the subway was supposed to be a patient in the trauma center, or she was a first-year resident who crashed into Grey Sloan Memorial with her plane because everyone on that show dies from a plane. But then this season seven Grey’s Anatomy lady got me thinking: sometimes we all feel like we’re walking into a season seven. When I first moved to New York three days ago, I felt like I was a new character, and no one was giving me the script. And then someone was like, This is New York, Kerry. Everything is improv. And then I was like, Yes, and sometimes when we trip on the broken sidewalks in Williamsburg, we later realize that we actually tripped on a dead rat. And then they reply, Kerry, did you just “Yes, and” in this imaginary convo? Improv is not for you. And then I go back to talking about whatever I was talking about before I went on this tangent. Unfortunately, I do not remember before this tangent. Oh, wait, I went back and read it, so now I do.
Any situation you go into that has already begun will make you feel like a new character joining season seven of Grey’s Anatomy or — to make this more New York — Saturday Night Live. You just have to make sure that the character you become is the Kate McKinnon of your season and not the Randy Quaid of your season. Or, to go back to the Grey’s Anatomy analogy: just make sure you don’t die.
That’s enough for this week! I’m getting ready to do my taxes soon. I have a reminder on my phone every day that says, GET READY TO DO TAXES AT SOME POINT. Well, Kerry, that point is sharper than a #2 Ticonderoga pencil, which means it has arrived. Have a wonderful week, full of KN95s and Impossible burgers! Impossible burgers make wearing KN95s more fun to wear because you know that if you wear them on your route, there will be an Impossible burger for you to have at the end of the rainbow. Is this just me? Most likely yes.
will be constantly thinking "this is new york kerry" when i take the f train today thank you