I'm calling it right now that Luigi Mangione will be the face of LOEWE in less than a year
those eyebrows were made for the magazines, honey
Okay, girls, guess WHAT:
The search for an apartment has come to an end. The apartment has been found. The security deposit has been paid. The broker’s fee has been paid. The cleaning fee has been paid. The friendliness fee has been paid. The Proud To Be An American fee has been paid. The girlboss fee has been paid. The- wait … I’m beginning to feel like none of these fees … make any … sense …
But it’s fine the lease has been signed, and we have an apartment. Now, all that I’m doing is making Pinterest boards and adding links to my notes app. I’m like that Sims meme of the mom on a computer while her baby is on fire. Oh, this one:
That’s me for everything else in my life right now.
What’s fun about this apartment that’s different from my last apartment is that it has a fire escape. What, are you trying to tell me that it’s illegal in New York City for an apartment above the ground floor to not have a fire escape? Well, tell that to my old landlord, but don’t use the word “illegal” because he gets mad when you do. So, yeah, that’s something. Something that’s the same as the last time I signed a lease is the feeling that I signed my soul over once again. Any time I have to sign my name, it feels like I’ve signed my soul over to a demonic-like entity — an apartment management company, a phone payment plan, Beelzebub, et cetera. Even when I sign my name on a receipt, that’s just a reminder that I once signed my soul over to JP Morgan Chase Bank. It’s a beautiful thing, knowing the world owns you. <3
Anyway, I’m glad to be paying rent again (?). Let me know in the comments below if I’m the first person to have ever said that.
I watched yesterday’s episode of Saturday Night Live this morning, with musical guest Martin Short and host Hozier. Sorry, I messed that up — Martin Short as the musical host and Hozier doing the singsong. What is it about celebrity cameos that get everybody so excited? I mean, it works every single time. The opening sketch had Tom Hanks, Paul Rudd, Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Emma Stone, Scarlett Johansson, and John Mulaney — Martin Short was basically a cameo, too. Tom Hanks hadn’t even spoken, yet, and he got applause for more than a minute. And you know what? It Works. I’m not gonna act like it doesn’t work on me. When each celebrity showed up onstage, I verbally went “Oh, wow.” I did that each time. I’m gonna write a show that just has Tom Hanks sitting in the background in every scene. The ratings? Through the roof. Season two will be Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep sitting in the background. The ratings? Back and better than ever. Worried about viewership going down for season three? Add Nicole Kidman wandering around a store to the scene where the two main characters are being chased around by a security guard! See ya at the Emmys, bitch! Ugh, writing an award-winning show is so easy, on God.
The amount of photos that have surfaced of Luigi Mangione are … insane. What exactly are media outlets trying to do?
Make us fall in love with him?
There are just
so many
photos.
I saw a take that said the reason why his haircut is so good is because it’s the other prisoners sending a message to the prison guards that Luigi is off-limits — that they can’t lay a finger on him. It seems the boy has supporters on all sides.
The media is honestly doing a horrible job of making him look bad, too.
“Suspect in UnitedHealthcare CEO slaying played video game killer.” What game is it, you ask?
The game is called Among Us. Still doesn’t sound familiar? Here, let me show you what that game looks like.
The girls (the media) are gonna have to do better than that! I don’t think this game can really compare to the ones where you have semiautomatic weapons and shoot people point-blank. Okay, yes, I’m hearing myself, and I’m remembering that is what he did. However, I do not think the animated game of little creatures walking around a room trying to find an imposter is what inspired him to chase his dreams of doing that.
Okay, I have nothing else to say about Luigi Mangione right now, other than the fact that his name is so fun to say and makes me do the Italian hand movements whenever I say it. Ah, yes, Luigi Mangionayyy — reminds me of the days of my great-grandparents in the old village … I’m guessing. Loo-ay-jay. LOEWE. LOEWE MAGIONE. Someone stop me.
Christmas is in three days, and Hannukah begins in four days, which means Chrismukkah is in 3.5 days. I hope you’re all celebrating properly (Chinese food). I hope everyone has a good holiday! Don’t tell me about it. I’ll just assume you did. Seriously, don’t tell me about it because I’m currently doing this:
Bye!
movie rec: Mona Lisa Smile (2003) — it’s like Dead Poets Society but the three Gs (gaslight gatekeep girlboss)
book rec: reading Intermezzo by Sally Rooney right now — it is allegedly her best, yet, but your girl will be the judge of that
instrument to learn: kazoo! kazoo won’t regret it … but you will regret that