if i had a nickel for every time i've gotten hit by a bike or been hit while on a bike i'd have five nickels

someone needs to do a study on what happens to me when i am trying to be an independent woman

SO I was gonna talk about how I just finished The Sopranos and how it was such an incredible show and how I was blessed enough to never catch a spoiler in the 16 years since it ended — and I’m still going to talk about it — BUT NOW I have to talk about something completely different unless I can somehow connect it to The Sopranos.

I’m bringing this up because a sudden turn of events happened yesterday while I was at work, and it completely changed the trajectory of my evening. I don’t know if trajectory is the right word to use here, but I will say that it feels right. I want to preface this by saying that I am not a clumsy person; I just have a lot of bad luck. If I was clumsy, then I wouldn’t have an annual Citibike membership. If I have bad luck, then I am going to get hit by Citibikes. Just a couple of hypotheses for you there.

I’m catsitting in Jamaica, Queens this weekend, which is quite a ways away from my hometown of Bushwick and worktown of Williamsburg. It takes about an hour and a half to get there and the same getting back. But I don’t mind it because this cat is the sweetest. I had to work in Williamsburg yesterday and went out to get some food before the end of my shift. BAGGU is on Wythe and North 3rd, an intersection with no stop sign but is 50 feet from a stoplight. Wythe is a one-way street — very narrow and has a bike lane. Cars speed through that intersection, usually to prove to the pedestrians trying to cross that it’s more important for them to speed through and not stop for people even though they’re gonna have to slam on the breaks two seconds later because the light is red. So I’m getting ready to cross this street. The bike lane is on the other side, and all of the cars are at a halt. I haven’t even tried to cross, yet, when a dumb (most likely a Gemini Sun, Moon, and Rising) man speeds down the wrong way — and not in the bike lane — on his e-bike. And of course, I am hit. This Gemini man did not stop, either. He ran over my foot and slammed into my knee, shouted, “WATCH OUT,” and then kept going. For a split second, I was totally shocked because it happened so quickly. I had literally checked for bikes and cars, but I didn’t realize a stupid really dumb super idiotic man who could be a Gemini trio would be on an e-bike going down a one-way the wrong way and not in the bike lane. Once I came to, I started to cross the street and realized I couldn’t put any weight on that leg. I limped back to BAGGU, where my coworker said, “You look like you just went through Hell.” Little did she know … she found the First Aid Kit (not the band but when I capitalize each word it looks like I’m talking about the band), and my knee was swollen and skinned! What the heck! Whose mans was this?! It was 6:30 in the pm — if you’re not where you need to be at that point, then you don’t even need to be there. Zooming down a one-way and not in the bike lane? I understand treating yourself as a car when you’re biking in order to give yourself a safe amount of space, but I didn’t see any of the cars driving the wrong way …

WHY do I keep getting HIT by things? The first time this happened was at a block party when I was younger and a bike was speeding down while I was playing volleyball in the street. HIT instantly, and my dad got it all on camera. HIT by a delivery scooter on the sidewalk when I was turning the corner a year ago. HIT yesterday when I hadn’t even crossed the street! THROWN in a high school soccer game and broke my wrist. SMACKED on the head with a lacrosse stick and concussed. But you know what? Both of these things happened because I was TOO FAST for them. The soccer player couldn’t catch up, so she grabbed me and threw me backward. I was catching up to the lacrosse player so she whacked me with the stick to slow me down. And guess what? Both of them succeeded.

FELL down the stairs during high school volleyball practice and was concussed … SLIPPED on ice getting out of my car senior year of college and was concussed … OKAY SO I’M CLUMSY OH MY GOD. Rude of you all to make me say that. But mostly it’s bad luck. I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me. I really am very aware of my surroundings. And of all the moments I chose to look to see how busy the street was last night, it was the moment that caused my knee to get bruised the friggin hell up. If I had waited for one second longer … a major eye roll emoji thought.

My brother saw this doll for sale on Facebook Marketplace:

Annabelle better sleep with one eye open and one eye blinking to scare her owner.

My mom texted me about my e-bike incident:

A perfect opportunity to use this photo.

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After watching all of The Sopranos, I don’t think I’d be very good at being in the mafia. The first reason is for exactly everything I just mentioned: I am too darn unlucky. But then I think about why I’d be good at being in the mafia. I am incredible at keeping a secret. You could kill someone in front of me, and I won’t tell anyone. Why? Because I am not on ADHD medication. I most likely started thinking about how if I had waited one second longer because checking to cross the street, I wouldn’t have fucked up my knee. So when the FBI questions me about the murder of Adriana La Cerva, I will truthfully tell them that I don’t remember that murder at all. Ask me about the murder of Ralph Cifaretto! or Phil Leotardo! I would never forget those. But do NOT ask me about the murder of Bobby Baccalieri. That one was too close to home.

I mean, WHAT a SHOW. I’ve never connected so hard to my Italian heritage — specifically, the fact that everyone on this show says moozarell instead of mozzarella, and so does my mom. There wasn’t really anything else in this storyline that I connected to very well. Long live Tony Soprano. Love live James Gandolfini.

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Me every time I go outside:

You don’t have to watch all 10 hours of this video. After about 4 hours, it gets pretty repetitive.

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Gonna cut this week’s newsletter short for obvious reasons — those reasons being I am in pain and that I am going to cuddle with this cat and sneeze sneeze sneeze all the way home because of it.

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movie rec: Enough Said (2013) starring Julia Louis Dreyfus and James Gandolfini

tv rec is THE SOPRANOS

book rec: The Godfather by Mario Puzo

hospital rec: this is me asking y’all for one because my leg needs to be amputated

photographer rec: me since I am gonna have millions of dollars of amputation bills to pay and will need to be making extra money to pay for it

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY TO MY NUMBER ONE CIRCLE BACK READER: my kitty cat LUCKY

I love u, my sweet princess.

Quick photo of my guardian angels hexing the Gemini man.

A photo of my grandparents, Mary and Pat, and me before all of the injuries and concussions and amputations I received later in life.