i still have not gotten the rona, which means i'm either lying or a witch
and i haven't lied in 17 years ... except for when i pulled the fire alarm in fifth grade but said that i didn't
Alright, everyone. What the hell is in that New York Times article about how to avoid the new variant of the rona?!?! It seems as though this one version is impossible to avoid because all of my friends who have never gotten the rona before are now getting it! I still have yet to test positive, which means that I am obviously immune. This also means that if this were the Salem Witch Trials, I would be next on the list for getting burned at the stake. I’m not afraid to say it: I’m feeling truly blessed to have not been alive during the 1600s.
This is such a dumb thing to say, but I would almost feel relieved if I tested positive. Rapid tests tend to not tell the truth (which is, like, the complete opposite of what they’re supposed to do and then we pay, like, $20 to get false tests?), and even the PCRs now don’t always test correctly. I feel like it’s almost impossible that I don’t have it, even though I have tested negative 10 times in the past five days. It makes me think I’m going crazy!! How would I describe my feelings of utter insanity, you ask? Hmmmmmmmmm. I guess I would probably compare it to that video of Joe Biden shaking an invisible hand and then visibly getting confused when the hand was not there:
Yeah, that’s exactly how I’m feeling. Joe Biden shaking an invisible hand is the new waving back at someone who wasn’t waving at you in the first place. Do you think that was happening in the 1600s just as much as it happens today? I love to think about how people at that time could have dealt with the same types of embarrassments that we do today. Oh, hey! Oh, thou shan’t be waving at me? Dost thou believe I am a witch now because I hath waved when you waved at the wench behind me? Oh, I’m being burnt at the stake? Right, right.
Anyway, because all of my silly little friends have the rona, I’ve been having to spend quality time with MYSELF, which I do not know how to do. Basically, all I did was cook and cook and cook and go for runs and play my silly lil guitar and do laundry. During (and a little before) the pandemic began, I started to really enjoy cooking. I learned all of these new recipes and did tons of delish vegan replacements for them, and from that, I started to figure out how I could create my own recipe just by opening up my cabinet and seeing what ingredients I might have. Now, cooking has become a ~self-care~ sort of thing for me, and I looove cooking for other people. And from this newfound joy that I have discovered, there is one piece of advice I have for you all: you should always carry a garlic press in your tote bag. You literally never know when you might need one. You think this is silly, but I have truly had so many moments where I’ve needed one, and it wasn’t there. And then the night was over. Yes, you can chop a clove of garlic, but it’s not the same. The new gift that I will be giving people is a garlic press. And it’s not really for them; it’s for me for when I go over to their homes to cook. I am 93% positive that if everyone carried a garlic press in their tote bags or always had one in their kitchen drawers, this would create world peace. You think this is a joke, but I would never joke about garlic. PUT A GARLIC PRESS IN YOUR BAGGU TOTE.
Something else I noticed about myself this week since I’ve been having to hang out with me, myself, and I because — as I mentioned earlier — everyone who’s anyone has the rona is that I am a very fast walker! My feet are always on a mission. This doesn’t actually just go for walking; this goes for cleaning, writing, working, and daydreaming, too. I have to do it all quickly. I’ve realized that even though I am very much a “go with the flow” type of person, I am also a “crocs are always in sports mode” type of person. I am always on a mission, and that includes even when I have no idea what I’m doing. Another thing I discovered about myself this week is that I can put my foot over my head, but I cannot do the splits. I’m learning so much!
I’m realizing whilst writing all of this that not only do I feel like Joe Biden shaking an invisible hand, but I also feel like this:
Something about Reba sitting at a church pew (praying?) sighing about what life has been throwing at all of us these past 2.5 years really sits with me. Speaking of church, I have also just realized that today is Easter and also Passover. Nowhere in the Bible or the Torah do I see that a person-sized bunny delivers Easter eggs. Holidays are weird. We make up characters to capitalize on the holidays, which is stupid. But yes, I would still prefer to have those days off from work, and yeah, I’ll take an Easter sale at the Levi store. Ya girly needs some new jean shorts!
Not being able to hang out with anyone is a lot harder for me than I thought it was going to be. I tend to do very well on my own, but New York can be a lonely city. I am blaming all of my rona friends for ruining my social life (I am also hoping I do not jinx myself and get the rona). I will also blame all of you New York Times subscribers for not telling me what was behind the paywall if I get it. Next up on things I’m gonna do by myself while I’m waiting for my friends to be able to taste and smell again is teach myself how to rollerblade! Next week, I will add a photo of my new rollerblades, which are pink and yellow (very chic), and I will let you all know if teaching myself went well or if I need to wait until someone tests negative so they can be there to call the coast guard when I accidentally rollerblade into the East River. I guess learning how to use the brakes on rollerblades can be an analogy for learning how to use the brakes in my life! Perhaps having all this time to myself is a healthy thing.
Thanks for reading! I really hope none of you get the rona. At this point, it would just make you look like you’re following a trend. We’re all originals here.