happy mother's day to everyone but the supreme court
and happy mother's day to my mom she birthed me and now you're all reading my newsletter
Let’s just cut to the chase: there’s something big that happened that I didn’t speak too much about in last week’s newsletter because I saw that it happened right after I published, but now that I’m back here writing this week’s I can touch a little more on this unconstitutional decision. I’m just happy that someone’s finally addressing it because it really felt like the elephant in the room all week. Alright, here we go:
I can’t believe I didn’t see one single post about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock! I think this is the first week since that there haven’t been any posts about it. It almost feels like things are back to normal.
Anyway, now that I’ve gotten my first joke out of the way … what the fuck is up with the SCOTUS?!?! Why are they all literally morons? Why do they all hate women? Including the SCOTUS women? The squad needs to hit up Jamie Lee Curtis because they’ve all got something up their butt and it won’t come out (Activia yogurt commercial joke, duh). And the fact that they were trying to overturn it while everyone was talking about something else? Tricking us by waiting until the Met Gala gifted Kim Kardashian with locks of Marilyn Monroe’s hair just so we were all already uncomfy before hearing about our rights being taken from us? The government loves to make big decisions when they think the rest of the country isn’t watching.
It’s also important to recognize that people will still be getting abortions, no matter the outcome of a SCOTUS decision. It’s not about “the unborn child;” it’s about keeping people in poverty forever because capitalism does not work without people in poverty. The government will do anything — and I do mean anything — to make sure they have more power than they do now. Vive la révolution, y’all.
I’m not gonna talk too much about that right now because we’ve all been hearing about it all week, and I don’t want to overwhelm you with more of the same opinions. Plus, I’d much rather hear about this:
Soooo, I’m guessing that Eminem has a song in the new Minions movie or something, but I’m not gonna look that up because I’d prefer to imagine that Eminem is actually really good buds with the Minions. Like, there’s something he knows that we don’t about if the Minions are real or not. Also, the thought of this being the only thing that Eminem posted about his induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame really makes me see the world in a different way. A different, more beautiful way. Do you think when Marshall Mathers was freestyling on 8 Mile (is that what he did I don’t remember a lot about the movie), he was imagining that one of his biggest dreams would be to get inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and to have a bunch of tiny lil cartoon guys congratulate him on it? And then he would post saying that the lil guys have his back? As if there’s no one else who’s got his back, except for the Minions. This is really something to think about and is definitely a great way to distract from the Roe v Wade situation. It’s almost … too good of a distraction …
Something that just happened to me is I was reading a news article and they mentioned the singer Bono’s name and I was reading the article out loud to myself because I know we all do that sometimes but the thing is I pronounced Bono’s name like Bow No like a bow that you put in your hair and then I immediately stopped reading the article and looked directly at where the camera would be if I was on a documentary-style sitcom and then I shook my head and exited out of the article. The worst part of this was that I read Bow No and then I said wait who’s Bow No oh my god Kerry. So that was really unfortunate. Okay, that’s really all I had to say about that. I just think it’s important to humble myself by admitting my mistakes to the public.
The other day I was walking home from the train, and without any say in the matter, I saw six different men with man-buns walk past me in a matter of three minutes. This is something that most definitely affected the rest of my walk home. The thing about these man-buns is that they weren’t those ones where someone can barely even put their hair up because there’s not enough; these were, like, straight-up buns. Like the buns girlies have at an all-girls school. They were huge. And none of them were affiliated with each other. Unless? No, they weren’t. They were all just walking on Wyckoff in Bushwick showing off something none of us asked to see on a Thursday at 6 pm. It was a pretty windy evening, too, and my hair was flying all over the damn place. I know you know where I’m going with this. Basically, I put my hair in a messy bun because of that, but it was right after I saw all the man-buns. Do I feel like I was peer-pressured? Yes. Did I take my hair down immediately when I figured this out? No, I did not. It actually made it easier to see in the wind because my hair was not flying everywhere. Therefore in conclusion I am recognizing that all of those men were just being practical and keeping their hairs out of their faces. But did it still make me feel like I was in an episode of Black Mirror, even though I don’t know what the plot of that episode would even be? Yes. Yes, it did.
In these weekly newsletters, I like to inform you all about things that you may not know. For example, today is Mother’s Day. I’m sure you all didn’t know that. And I want to tell you all that even if you are not with your mothers today, just know that you are also a mother. I know what you’re thinking. Kerry, I am a 61-year-old man. Yes, I know that, Dad. But the point I’m trying to make is that we all become mothers in some way at some point in our lives. The other day I was looking for my nail polish remover and couldn’t find it for about an hour. And then I said to myself, just look at the room the way Mom would. And then I found it on the floor next to my foot. Mom energy. When it started to get a little warmer out recently, my friend decided that was the day to clean the entire apartment. That’s some mom energy right there. I went out to dinner the other night and didn’t wanna finish what I was eating, so my friend was like, “You better finish that, Kerry. You’re not gonna finish it? Here, put it on my plate. Give it to me.” MOM ENERGY. Recently, I was at a bar and I was getting really into the sports game on the TV. I have never once been into a sports game on a TV. And then I said that I’m interested in going to see a sports game one day. That is specifically my mom’s energy. I was at the grocery store the other day and only planned on getting some tofu, but I also grabbed some potatoes, some pine nuts, oat milk, and apples because “it’d be really good to have these in the house.” That actually might be Dad energy, but for the purpose of this paragraph, that is some Mom energy right friggin there.
Anyway, all I’m trying to say is that we should be celebrating ourselves becoming mothers without having children on this here Mother’s Day. We should also be celebrating our actual mothers because they’re the ones who made us get those potatoes and find that nail polish remover. We should be celebrating the people who raised us the way mothers should, whether they were our actual mothers or people stepping in. And we should also be celebrating the people who were not ready to become mothers and were able to choose not to be because they knew that’s what was best for them. And we should also be celebrating the people who were forced to become mothers and may be forced to become mothers in the future because of the way decisions about our bodies are being made for us. Celebrate mothers today, y’all.
I tried to find a gif or a video of someone signing “Happy Mother’s Day” so that you could all learn that, and this is what showed up instead:
Okay, I found one: