happy father's day to paul mescal in Aftersun you deserved better
happy father's day to my dad Patrick as well
Starting this week off with a very important tweet that has officially decided the future of journalism:
@ CNN/Fox News/MSNBC/ABC/GMA/60 Minutes/Disney 365: best go get that LinkedIn Premium set back up! The POTUS is out here quoting a tweet from Pop Crave, the number one source for anything culture (other than the Las Culturalistas podcast). Who knew this day would arrive so quickly? Twitter is now officially a news site, and no one can disagree. Your blue savior Joseph Biden has used a pop culture Twitter account to address a decision he made! That means the Twitter account LizaMinnelliOutlives is an official news source. Do you think all the Zoomers working at Pop Crave woke up Friday morning expecting a retweet from the President of the United States? I think, at most, they were expecting one from Taylor Swift. What a day for journalists everywhere!
Also, I know I mentioned the LizaMinnelliOutlives account and didn’t explain it, and I just wanted to say that I’d be more than happy to. The LizaMinnelliOutlives Twitter account is an account someone created where every time something in the media or big in the news happens, the account will tweet something like, “Liza Minnelli has outlived ‘Unabomber’ Ted Kaczynski.” And I kid you not: this is how I found out Ted Kaczynski died. Or it’ll be something less serious like, “Liza Minnelli has outlived the suspense over Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner being seen together. The unlikely couple was photographed earlier this month. It’s the first time they had been sighted publicly since romance rumors began.” I’m so serious when I say that I find things out from this Twitter account before The New York Times sends me a breaking news alert. And then I wondered …
why isn’t there a way to make this account alert me the way The New York Times does? So I tweeted that, obviously:
Major slay of a tweet, as you can see. Tweet was so big that I was on The Ellen Show, The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Kelly Clarkson Show, Good Morning America, 20/20 with Barbara Walters, and Sesame Street. BUT WHAT I NOTICED was that many others had the same thought. Someone replied saying they had their notifications turned on for the account, which makes sense. If I did that, I’d have to turn all of my Twitter notifications on, and that sounds horrible. SO THERE HAS TO BE ANOTHER WAY IS WHAT I’M SAYING. Someone let LizaMinnelliOutlives into the News app. It’s the most unbiased news source in history.
I think it’d be funny to do a screenshot each week of a frequently asked Google question that almost makes sense but does not make sense. I’ve posted a few in the past, like:
So close, but not there, yet. So to start, here are two new ones I’ve found:
Now, for this one, we kind of get a picture of what the most frequently asked question is — probably, “How old is Zendaya?” But that’s honestly presumptuous of me because I don’t actually know who or what community is asking this question. I didn’t think that maybe Yoda asked this question hundreds of thousands of times because he just can’t remember how old Zendaya is. I just think this is an important lesson for all of us to think before we speak and not judge the way we ask Google questions. When you make fun of this question, you’re making fun of him:
Okay, onto the next stupid-ass frequently asked Google question!
Now, this is a big one. Let’s go word by word. Was. That’s a pretty classic way to begin a question, so there are no complaints there. Carrie. I’d go as far as saying that most questions that begin with “was” have a proper noun following, so this seems totally fine. Fisher. Last name. Moving on. When. Okay, something’s happening here. A semi-truck collision instantly. The Dave Matthews Band tour bus has dumped its sewage all over a tourist boat on the Chicago River. There can’t possibly be a way to make this question better. She. Nope. Died? Even if you tried to separate this into a compound sentence, you couldn’t. Was Carrie Fisher? When she died? Did they mean Was Carrie a fisher when she died? Could be true. Or was it, How old was Carrie Fisher when she died? We literally will never know. This frequently asked Google question keeps me up at night, and no psychiatrist has been able to help. The only one who can help is Carrie Fisher because she’s the only one who was when she died. She was when she died and is the only one who knows it. When she was, that was when. And we can’t ask her. It’s actually going to ruin my life not knowing. I’m sorry to include you all in this, but it’s important to suffer as a whole Circle Back community. You knew what you were getting into. But you never knew when was Carrie Fisher when she was.
TODAY IS FATHER’S DAY EVERYBODY. Make sure you call your dad and let him know that today is actually more about you because you’re the only reason why he has a whole day dedicated to his literal job. Yeah, whatever, Dad, congrats on the job that you chose to have. So sorry your gray hairs grew in earlier than the prophecy stated. Not my fault that you decided to have children that would drive you nuts and give you back pain. What did you expect? My legs were weaker than yours, and so therefore in conclusion I needed a piggyback always. Oh, you have carpel tunnel? So sad! Sorry that I needed you to teach me SIGN LANGUAGE so that I could talk to my MOM who also apparently gets to have a whole day dedicated to the JOB that SHE SIGNED UP FOR, AS WELL. God, you guys are such complainers. It’s literally not hard to raise me. Are you actually trying to complain about having to raise this award-winningly adorable little girly:
Put a brace on, PATRICK. This is what you asked for. And because of how HARD you worked to RAISE a kind, caring, hilarious, very good-looking not important though, thoughtful, very stubborn, mostly plant-based, 5’2 daughter, you NOW have a kind, caring, hilarious, very good-looking not important though, thoughtful, very stubborn, mostly plant-based, 5’2 daughter who is very grateful to have the dad that she has JESUS CHRIST RELAX.
But before you get ahead of yourself and start thinking you’re the greatest dad in the world, let this photo be a reminder that my birthday is actually on March NINETEENTH and not the THIRTEENTH. Unless it’s really on the 13th … I have a lot to think about now.
Anyway, thank you for teaching me the importance of exercise and staying in shape starting two days before Sean was born, according to this photo, even though now I have asthma. I’d love to say that I have it because of all of the cigarettes you would smoke in the house, but you have never smoked a cigarette in your life, so … I’m just looking for something dramatic to throw into my memoir, but you’re giving me absolutely nothing. It’s incredibly disappointing.
So Happy Father’s Day, Patrick and other fathers. But most importantly, Happy Father’s Day to Paul Mescal in Aftersun. You deserved the Oscar. My dad gets it.
movie rec: Mamma Mia (2008) — very important, probably the most important, movie about fathers — another movie I am recommending outside of this so-called holiday is Close (2022), which is this beautiful and devastating movie about friendship and intimacy and ugh it’s in FRENCH but it has a certain jenny say kwa about it … go watch it lol
book rec: The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
podcast rec: Las Culturalistas with hosts Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
music rec: it almost kills me to say this, but because it’s Father’s Day and it’s my dad’s favorite band … go listen to … The Eagles
Amazing grace!
Lmao they just played the eagles in chicago Diner the other day