four years ago ariana grande released god is a woman but one year ago my parents got divorced
coincidence? i think not! well, maybe ...
Four years ago, Ariana Grande released her song God is a Woman. But what we never found out is who the woman is that Ari is talking about. Yes, the woman is God, but WHOMST is it? Well, four years ago, folks, my Twitter had the answer:
Today, we’re going to talk a little bit (probably one paragraph’s worth) about Jamie Lee Curtis — Miss Scream Queen Jr.
I watched — excuse me, I REwatched — Freaky Friday last night, which as we all know, is a cinematic masterpiece and stars Lindsay Lohan (who is everything to all of us but to me exclusively because this is my newsletter and not yours) and our Lord and Savior Jamie Lee Curtis. If you want to watch some real acting, you’ll go ahead and turn that on right now. But Jamie Lee kills every role she plays. What she does not do is kill Michael Meyers because there are just so many of those movies, but hey! Jamie Lee’s gotta pay the bills!
Also, a big hip hip hoorizay to Jamie Lee for not doing a Marvel movie and instead doing Everything Everywhere All at Once. I mean, would you rather be an IRS lady in Marvel or an IRS lady in an A24 movie? I know, it’s tough.
This past week has been a little wacky cuckoo crazy for me. October 14th marked the one-year anniversary of my parents’ divorce, and October 15th marked what would’ve been their 28th wedding anniversary. I will first mention that, yes, it is hilarious that they divorced a day before their anniversary, and I will second mention that it’s also a little dramatic of them to do that, as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we love the drama.
It’s been hitting me a little hard this week, which I knew would happen but also was kind of hoping wouldn’t happen because “it’s been a whole year so I should be past it now.” But I’ve realized that a year actually isn’t a very long time. I’ve been in New York for a year, the pandemic has been happening for almost three years, there are babies that are a year old, and in less than a year I’ll be off my mom’s insurance.
In a year, I could be doing exactly what I’m doing now, or I could be finally responding to Lorne Michael’s emails and hosting every single episode of Saturday Night Live. In a year, I could have a cat or four cats (really depends on how rough the year is … you understand). In a year, my arm could be broken because I tried to ride my citibike in the woodsy part of Prospect Park and then I hit a rock and flew forty feet into the Prospect abyss. I could decide that I don’t want to be a writer in a year. I could have sleeves of tattoos in a year (I’m not going to do that, Dad). Maybe I’m in a different apartment in a year. I could be in a really serious relationship in a year, which would suck because that would mean no laughing. Maybe I won’t be vegan in a year (you all wish, but too bad, suckas). Literally, anything can happen in a year.
So many things and nothing happen in a year. But no matter what, every outcome happens faster than you want or need. When something happens quickly, a year can feel like a month. I haven’t taken a moment since my parents told me they were getting divorced to sit down and process it. I have purposely not given myself the time so that I don’t have to think about how it really affected me and if I would be doing everything I’m doing if I’d let myself mourn for a second. But if I do that, then this whole year of activities and less sleep and constant distractions will fall from the sky and hit me on the head and then I will be on my seventh concussion which I feel like has to result in brain damage because I am gettin real close to my ninth life and I’m not even 26, yet. But that reminds me, I might as well get that seventh concussion in now because I’ll be on my own insurance-wise in a few months! And that is spooky scary to think about.
I think what I’m trying to prove to myself and my silly little emotions is that a year really isn’t very long, and it’s okay for me to still be upset about the divorce. Even if it’s better for everyone that it happened. I just don’t like to be part of things that are trending because I am unique and original and totally living against the grain, and divorces really trended during the pandemmy. But yes, I’m right and you’re all wrong. And here’s a quote proving this from me to you:
Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you might get divorced.
Anyway, I know that this week’s newsletter isn’t very funny and not very long, but that’s why I talked about Jamie Lee Curtis at the beginning for funsies because sad newsletters are so not my brand … unless?
Thank you for reading this week’s mumbo jumbo. Here are my recommendations:
movie rec: Freaky Friday (2003)
music rec: DECIDE by Djo
book rec: Divorce for Dummies (I’M KIDDING oh my god everyone relax I’m recommending The Lottery and Other Stories by Shirley Jackson it’s that time of the year, my lil ghouls n goblins)
Wow, Kerry, what a year! Can't wait to see your adventures in the coming year!