Elizabeth Holmes and Elmo from that one show with the puppets walk into a bar
both of them are hosting SNL in the next two weeks
The Rona virus began in lockdown form on my 23rd birthday. I am now 47. The subjects that trend on Twitter are absolutely wild and would never be trending if every single insane thing that happened every single day were not real. We hear about political scandals and North Korea launching missiles and it barely makes the news. We hear about Elmo picking a fight with Zoe’s friend Rocco (who is a rock), and it’s the most viral topic of the week! But if we’re being honest, that was a very important situation, and I feel that it is important I speak on it now.
SO in case you haven’t caught up on your breaking news, a video of Elmo (as in the Elmo, lead singer of the hit single Elmo’s Song) and Zoe eating cookies sparked controversy when Elmo tried to eat an oatmeal cookie, but Zoe told Elmo that the oatmeal cookie was actually for her friend Rocco, who is, in fact, a rock. Hearing this, Elmo was … how do I put it lightly … fucking PISSED off. Elmo was so mad that Elmo called Zoe a dummy. Obviously, Elmo took it TOO far when Elmo (I do not know Elmo’s pronouns, so I’m just gonna keep saying Elmo) insulted Zoe’s intelligence. We all know that Zoe is a Harvard grad, so the fact that Elmo tried to call Zoe an idiot for giving Rocco the last oatmeal raisin cookie was incredibly uncalled for. Also, the fact that Elmo didn’t even ask Rocco the rock if he wanted the oatmeal raisin cookie and just figured that Rocco couldn’t speak for himself shows how ignorant Elmo truly is. I guess what I’m trying to say is we should just cancel Elmo.
I’m just clownin! — I’m team Elmo all the way:
Rocco can jump off a cliff, am I right?
In other less important news, Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on four out of 11 charges of being super ambitious and hard-working. And also of fraud. The founder of the failed blood testing startup Theranos was found not guilty of defrauding patients, but there was no verdict on the charges concerning defrauding investors. Don’t feel like I need to explain how fucked up that is and how capitalism continues to win, but I literally could’ve told you that was gonna happen. We don’t care that the patients were screwed over; we are so angry, though, that the investors aren’t gonna get their money back! So unfair for the rich investors. Oh, the patients? Never heard of them.
I will say that I relate super hard to Elizabeth Holmes. For one, we are both frequent wearers of black turtlenecks. For two, we are both not qualified to run a health technology company. And for three, I think we both have blue eyes? Sometimes, I think mine are green, but I’m pretty sure they’re blue. And for four, Amanda Seyfried is playing both of us in our separate coming-of-age biopics.
Quick update on the mouse in my house:
I have not seen him since that one time, but it does not mean he isn’t sauna-ing in my radiator as I type this. I will obviously continue to update the newsletter when I have more information about this mouse (or any of his friends), but there is no news right now. Where’s the news and the media when the mouse is strolling around my bedroom? Why are they only available when there is no mouse to be found? Something to think about.
On January 6, 2022, The Capitol Riots: The Musical was released in honor of the Capitol riots from the year before. At the ~vigil~, which is already strange because why was there a vigil for last year’s Capitol riots, Nancy Pelosi introduced Lin Manuel Miranda and the cast of Hamilton, and they sang Dear Theodosia — and I think that song is about like a father and daughter so I don’t know how that related to literally anything. On C-SPAN, the entire vigil was titled January 6th Anniversary, and it all felt like the Hocus Pocus anniversary segment on Freeform that aired this past October. I truly do not understand any part of this. People really are just celebrating anything, huh? We are getting closer and closer to not knowing the difference between anybody in politics! So weird!!
Sorry, I have no idea how that tweet got in here! Has nothing to do with anything, but I can’t figure out how to delete it, so I guess it’s staying!
I do know how this one got in here, though. Just wanted all of us to remember who we’re really celebrating during this Capitol riot musical Kennedy Center Honor special.
I don’t have a lot to say about this, other than the fact that I am so happy our gorl Brit is thriving. The second and final thing I will say about this is that this is the greatest roast I have ever seen in my life. Grammy winner Britney Spears and Kids Choice Award recipient Jamie Lynn Spears? Probably THE funniest thing I have ever seen in my time. As a reminder, I am 47, so that’s a long time and high praise for this tweet.
In personal news, I got hit by a Revel this week. For those of you who don’t know, a Revel is one of those motorcycle scooter bikes that anyone can ride without a license. You rent it out the same way you rent out a city bike. And lemme tell ya: this Revel and the man driving it? Much stronger than me — a 5’2, 24-year-old running to Vanessa’s Dumpling House to pick up my order of dumplings. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Kerry, you should not be running in the street where the Revels are. Well, I am here to tell you that I was NOT doing that. I was running on the sidewalk, and the Revel was riding on the sidewalk! This was actually not my fault whatsoever! This all created a war flashback for me from 15 years ago when I was playing volleyball in the street (it was a block party I’m not an idiot) and a person riding a bicycle hit me and I flew in the air and my dad caught it all on camera. And in the video, you can see me get hit and then my dad taking his time placing the camera in the grass before checking to see if I was alive. Priorities. Nobody cancel my dad for that we have all moved on from the experience to become stronger people. Because of that experience, I was able to get hit by this Revel, fall on the ground, and get back up only to go pick up the wrong order of dumplings. We got the wrong order of dumplings three times that day, which meant that everyone at work got free dumplings. All in all, a very good day, and you’re all welcome, my fellow Warby employees (friends are you all my friends yet I hope we’re all friends now, Warby pals????).
Sooo that’s what you missed on this week’s episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. I hope we can all learn from what we read tonight and know that if we’re trying to get free dumplings, someone has to get hit by a Revel first.
**** just want my parents to know that I am in fact fine and the Revel did not do much damage I am super strong and fit and also a cool person so everyone is fine