eat a piece of candy corn for every time Channing Tatum has bumped into you on North 4th & Berry
that would be one too many times for me this week, everybody
Happy Halloween, ladies! And to everyone else, happy Sunday.
I have had quite the week of celebrities running into me. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Kerry, this isn’t news to us. Celebs are always running into you. BUT LET ME TELL YOU: this is not an exaggeration. As we all know, I am not one to go looking for drama; often, I end up in situations that I do not remember asking to be in. While the situation could be me happening to choose the subway car that has a man screaming about how he has severe lice, it could also be me standing in the way of Channing Tatum as he follows Google Maps to Zoe Kravitz’s house.
Yes, you read that right, readers! The man did have severe lice! Also, yes, I was in Channing Tatum’s way. More so, Channing was in my way. I was standing there before he decided to come down my street. Apparently, there’s a whole thing about Williamsburg moms obsessing over trying to find him. He’s been wandering around the neighborhood ever since the paps caught him riding a children’s bike down Metropolitan Ave. with Zoe Kravitz. And so the ‘burg mothers are haunting the streets in search of him. Well, I’m here to say that all you have to do is stand in place for 15 minutes as you FaceTime a friend, and he will magically appear. And not only will he walk past you; he will walk past you, realize he’s been walking the wrong way for half a block, turn around, and then walk past you again. I think Zoe gave him a fake address.
The other celeb I saw this week I’m not going to name because it was at Warby Parker, and I think it would be a violation of HIPAA. I really don’t want to mess with HIPAA because one time I saw a bunch of them on Animal Planet, and a big one ate a baby one, and that’s something I think about often. Anyway, I didn’t know who this person was, which is not an insult to them. I just don’t listen to a lot of pop music, so I wouldn’t have known them (that does go to say I’ve been listening to a lot of Ellie Goulding recently. I did not just expose the Warby celeb customer it was not Ellie Goulding). But I will humbly say that the first pair of glasses I chose for them ended up being the winners, which means I am a good Warby Parker glasses chooser. My manager came up to me after and told me who it was and got excited, and my response was, “Oh, my god. Why didn’t you tell me that sooner? I wouldn’t have asked them to complete a survey.” I know this wasn’t as fun a story as the Channing one, but I did originally say that I saw more than one celeb this week, so I had to prove it.
For Halloweekend, I had three costumes: Miranda Priestly, Jennifer Coolidge, and a witch. I had a lot of faith in Miranda. Unfortunately, I looked more like Teresa May. At other points of the night, I looked more like Karl Lagerfeld. But in my heart, my Miranda Priestly costume was … groundbreaking.
My Jennifer Coolidge costume was the one I was most confident in. There’s something about a $10 blonde wig that makes you feel like you can do the Jennifer Coolidge voice better than she herself can. I was amazing at it (this has not been verified). An important thing to mention since we’re all talking about my Jennifer Coolidge costume -- I am wearing the wig as I write this newsletter. I may never go back to writing as Kerry again; writing as Jennifer Coolidge feels … like the only thing I can do from now on is bend and snap until I break a window and a UPS man’s nose.
I dressed up as a witch at Warby Parker today. Kids would run in and ask if I was a witch for Halloween, and I would reply, “What are you talking about?” One kid ran in and screamed, “HI BITCH!” I gasped and turned around and then realized he said, “HI, WITCH!” If it wasn’t Halloween, that kid and I would not have handled the situation as calmly.
I love Halloween. Seeing everyone dress in costumes and not thinking it’s weird makes it so much better to see a person wearing a furry costume on any other day of the year. There’s something about knowing in your heart that you’re actually a wolf that just makes me want to wake up every day.
Since the holiday is now basically over, it’s time to think about the next big thing: how we’re all gonna pay rent tomorrow. I’m kidding! I’m talkin about #NoShaveNovember, folks! It’s time to keep ourselves warm because we are NOT turning the heat on until Black Friday.
I hope everyone had a good Halloween! If anyone sees Channing Tatum, let him know that we have a wide variety of glasses selections at Warby Parker he can purchase so that he doesn’t walk into me again. And then let him know that I’ll need him to fill out a survey after.
I love this newsletter. You are so good. 😘