welcome to the circle back newsletter: oscars edition
here we will discuss the most boring academy awards show to date absolutely nothing exciting happened and it was really just boring and not viral at all whatsoever
I know we were all waiting at our phones at 7pm eastern standard time for my newsletter, but we also know that I would never publish it on Oscars night before the Oscars. So therefore in conclusion here is your late-night (next morning) Circle Back newsletter: Oscars edish.
FIRST OF ALL here are two very important shots from the red carpet:
I just needed to add this in here so that I always have them somewhere because HELLO boys I just wanna say great job dressing up and I am very proud of the work you have done to look very good, and uh thank you very much and God bless.
We start out with Beyonce performing her original song from King Richard with a bunch of backup dancers dressed as tennis balls (genius), and then the screen panned out to show that the stage she performed on was placed right in the middle of a nuclear town?? Maybe the town in the movie looked like that? I don’t know I didn’t see it, but that’s for sure something to think about.
The opening monologue was actually not bad at all if I do say so myself. Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes, and Regina Hall? I really wasn’t sure. Mostly about Amy Schumer. But I’m not afraid to say it! Amy really did that. Every joke hit, which literally never happens for a host. Also, props to the lil baby signs she did to tell everyone she loved CODA. I think her monologue was the best one I’ve heard in five years. And you better agree with me because my opinion is very, very important.
Kirsten Dunst didn’t win Best Supporting Actress, which we’ll talk about when I’ve drank more water. I don’t understand reboots getting nominated. I think West Side Story only got nominated because Steven Spielberg directed it. If I directed it, it wouldn’t have been nominated. And yeah, maybe that’s because I’ve “never made a movie” and “only have an iPhone 4s to film things on” and “don’t actually know anything about making movies,” but so what! I’m gonna say that it only wouldn’t have been nominated because I made it and Steven Spielberg didn’t. The Oscars are rigged.
Next, we watched 60 years of James Bond in 60 seconds. And let me tell ya: it was unnecessary. It was shown with the song Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney, and let me tell ya: that was also unnecessary. It all came out of nowhere and did not convince me to watch a James Bond movie. 0/5 stars. But Billie Eilish and Finneas won for their original song for the new James Bond, and I think it’s really exciting that two people that young are showing everyone up with their skills and talents. Those two are accidentally gonna become EGOT winners just by writing a song last minute in their bedrooms.
Next up: Best Animated Film. So cool that we’ve all just discovered that the Encanto winners were almost all white people! So cool! So inspiring. What’s that about? haha
The grandma from Minari stole the show again, first by being hilarious and saying she won’t be able to pronounce anyone’s names and then by presenting the award to Troy Kotsur the best way anyone could. TROY KOTSUR WON BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, Y’ALL. That’s on deaf history, y’all! I will tell you I was shakin in my hearing aids when they announced the category, and I will also tell you that I teared up when Youn Yuh-jung signed “I love you” to announce who won and then the whole audience did a deaf applause. I’m not afraid to admit it when I tear up (because I didn’t use my no tears shampoo). I know the Oscars aren’t anything, but it is so important for deaf culture to have Troy Kotsur win. So many people were watching the Oscars, which means so many people are finally giving the deaf community attention, the attention they should’ve gotten even before Marlee Matlin won over 30 years ago. Congratulations, Troy Kotsur (I know you’re reading this since there’s nothing else you’re up to tonight).
Then, Sian Heder won Best Adapted Screenplay for CODA and brought an interpreter onstage with her (which every single person should do anyway AMIRIGHT). I’m writing this as I watch the Oscar, but I’ll say it! CODA is stealing the goddamn show, okay? Not only will I not be surprised if it wins Best Picture, but I will also cry. And whilst I love CODA winning everything, I do also think that The Lost Daughter should’ve won this category; That movie was a jaw-dropper.
Next up really quick trigger warning Rami Malek was being really fuckin weird and kept chasing the camera as he announced Billie Eilish and Finneas’s musical performance. Why am I scared every time I see him on the screen?! Even in Night at the Museum, I was like, ok this mummy is spooky! Haha, am I right? This is probably my best paragraph of the entire newsletter.
Alright, anyway, I’m glad we got through that.
Chris Rock made a joke about Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz that I don’t even remember, but I do remember him saying “Javier Bardem and his wife.” YOU MEAN HIS WIFE PENELOPE CRUZ? VERY FAMOUS ACTRESS PENELOPE CRUZ? I didn’t know that she was more famous for being married to the old man in No Country for Old Men.
But enough about that! What the heck just happened after that!
Unless Chris Rock is a much better actor than I knew him to be, I canNOT tell if whatever occurred between him and Will Smith was scripted or not. This show is so desperate to go viral tonight with literally every single line that I wouldn’t be surprised if this was part of it. But after hearing the uncensored version, I really do not know what to believe. If that was real, then I am joining the Scientologists because Will Smith just scared the shit out of me, and I don’t want his entire clan of Science boys to make me disappear. Yes, I know Will and Jada did not actually say they’re Scientologists and responded by saying they’re open to all religions, but that’s what you say when you don’t want people to know you’re a Scientologist, yet.
Ok, let’s move on before I’m never seen again!
Actually, it’s difficult for me to move on because then OF COURSE Will Smith won an Oscar right after! Imagine getting smacked in the face by Will Smith and then he wins an Oscar immediately after. That’s something I think all of us can relate to. I’m not gonna go any further into this because we all saw it all over Twitter, and I don’t have any takes on this that we haven’t already read. Some (white) people are saying Will “could’ve killed” Chris Rock (his name rhymes with Pudd Zapatow), and others are saying not as dumb shit, like “I hadn’t seen the fight I went to get a Dr. Pepper.” And SOME people say they don’t condone any form of violence (rhymes with The Shmacademy), even though they’ve allowed certain films about war criminals who enjoyed killing families during the Iraq War to get nominated over five times:
But alas! It happened, and The Academy will either blacklist Will Smith just like they didn’t do to Sean Penn, or they’ll try to go viral again next year and have Will Smith and Chris Rock present together. But I really care about is when they’re gonna ask me to host! I’m available! I won’t make jokes about people’s hair! And I will make jokes about Scientologists!
The final thing I will discuss about the Academy Awards is that I was right! CODA won Best Picture, and I did tear up! I really thought I was gonna see a lot of tweets about people being upset that The Power of the Dog didn’t, but then something else happened at the show which I have not yet discussed in this newsletter not at all not one bit, and so therefore in conclusion all the tweets I saw about CODA were very positive ones. I am so happy about it winning Best Picture. I’ve said it thrice and I’ll say it again: PUT MORE DEAF PEOPLE IN MOVIES. LET DEAF PEOPLE MAKE MOVIES. HIRE DEAF PEOPLE TO PLAY CHARACTERS THAT JUST HAPPEN TO BE DEAF AND DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BE DEAF. Also, put an ASL interpreter on the stage for more awards than just the ones that deaf people are nominated in! Deaf people would have LOVED to have an interpreter on stage to sign the SLAP heard across the ABC network. But anyway, I am so happy about all of the attention the deaf and coda communities got last night, and I hope you will all go watch movies like CODA (and watch CODA if you haven’t) more often.
Alright, everyone! I’ll leave Cher to it!
Oh, whoops, sorry, sorry, that’s the wrong one.
There we go.