there's a 500-pound bear on the loose, and i'm not talking about vladimir putin
read this before the season finale of euphoria tonight because of no reason whatsoever just read it please
There are two ways to learn about a war through Twitter.
Like this:
Or like this:
Neither are incorrect ways to learn about a war. There’s not a lot for me to say about this war because it’s happening as I type this, and I don’t want to give an uninformed opinion since there’s already so many of those out there. And yes, it’s okay to be worried about Putin’s potential nuclear war threat against us, but it also hasn’t happened, yet, and complaining about something that hasn’t happened while people are dying in Ukraine is very not chill. One thing I do know is that the United States has involved itself in a war since I was born, and according to the contrasts between my high school history books and real history books, the United States has never been a helpful ally.Â
The United States of America is fine to fuck shit up as long as it’s not happening here. We are more than happy to send our troops to you because we are worried about not getting anymore oil from Russia. Putin, babygorl, don’t do it haha you’re so sexy. What are we gonna do without our oil? How are we gonna keep making our Dawn soap commercials if we can’t use that Russian oil to dunk baby ducks in? Those commercials don’t make any sense without the oil. See, we don’t actually care if Russia invades Ukraine; we just don’t want our gas prices to go up! All we want is cheap gas and also for our lil baby ducks to swim in oil. Compared to what Ukraine wants (which is for Russia to not invade and kill them), we aren’t asking for a lot. Anyway, I think it’s definitely time for me to stop talking about this my jokes are not going to land because I shouldn’t even be making jokes in the first place I just knew that I couldn’t ignore the obvious subject of the week and sometimes the only way I know how to deal with news is by making a joke I didn’t want to say anything stupid but it looks like I couldn’t help myself so yeah anyway sorry please keep reading …….
This week, our queen girly Mitski went to Twitter (which she does not do often!) to humbly ask her fans to not use their phones as much during her shows. Mitski does an amazing job at making her shows feel like an art piece, and it’s probably really difficult for her to perform when all she can see in the crowd are a bunch of phones looking at her. It was a really respectful and good tweet thread, but someone decided it deserved a condescending reply:
Imagine mansplaining mental health issues to Mitski. Have you ever listened to a Mitski song? If I tried to very kindly and anxiously tell my fans (ok relax I know I do not have fans I’m just trying to make a point) that I’d appreciate it if they didn’t film my entire show, and then someone replied calling me BESTIE as a way to belittle my humble ask, I would exclusively be the only heartbreaker, my guy (and I be meaning physically breaking hearts I’d be settin shit on fire ok). Someone asking you not to do something at their very curated show and you responding like that is like saying, Oh, you don’t want me watching you through my phone screen the entire time even though I’m literally at your physical show? Well, actually, bestie girl, sometimes when I go to sleep, I have a bad dream and the bad dream causes me to awaken which means I didn’t get enough sleep. So furthermore in conclusion I am too tired to be at your show and will forget all of it so I’m just gonna film it all and watch it later. People need to stop treating artists like products. If you’re mad at an artist for not making their entire career about you, it’s time to see a therapist. Or get a new one.
Now, I know you all know that I’ve been trying to avoid talking about serious shit, like notorious criminals and capitalism. But I can’t go on like this any longer. It’s time to address the bear in the room:
We are looking for a large, furry suspect that is, like, maybe a bear, and this alleged bear has been breaking and entering and eating everyone’s porridge and sleeping on everyone’s Caspar mattresses and drinking all of our Celsius energy drinks. The alleged bear is 500 pounds, which, if we’re asking me which we are, is irrelevant because you don’t have to be 500 pounds to have your very own crime wave I think we need to stop with this stereotype about people and/or animals who commit crimes. People don’t like to remember this, but Goldilocks was a 75-pound lil girl. They don’t want you to remember that.
The biggest thing that happened in New York this week was that I found two gorgeous chairs on the curb in basically Park Slope. This is huge news. If I didn’t say it before, I’ll say it now: these chairs are gorgeous. They fit my apartment perfectly, and I’m pretty sure they’re mid-century modern something something blah blah blah. Now, this is only coming from me because I don’t write down things that come from other people, but I feel like there are several things that help you become a true New Yorker. The first thing is having a rat use your foot as a step to get to a real step. This is a personal experience, but I think it’s true for everyone. The second thing is seeing a three-legged dog in Williamsburg. The burg is a mecca for three-legged dogs. I see at least one once a week. The third thing is having someone on the Subway tell you some unwarranted advice about how to survive the apocalypse. Another personal experience that we’ll discuss at a later time. The fourth thing is definitely finding some incredible furniture on the curb. And these babies are f r e a k i n g incredible. Next time a friend asks me to hang out, I’m gonna say yes and that our hangout plan is to go look for sidewalk furniture. Also side note it would be so cool if every time you picked up some sidewalk furniture, the furniture would give you its history. Like all the memories that were given to that furniture. Because I think the chairs I found probably went through some dope dinner parties. And maybe a secret homicide. I don’t mean that but I love a secret. People need to stop telling me their secrets. Also something about me is that I forget everything anyone ever says to me, so if you need to spill any secrets you can tell them to me because they will be out of my brain five minutes later. So actually I guess people need to keep telling me secrets. But not homicidal secrets. I’m not a priest, so I will call Mariska Hargitay. Why do I keep getting distracted like this whatever I just said has nothing to do with anything.
Anyway, key points of today’s newsletter:
#ukrainestrong
stop getting involved in shit, america
mitski is better than u
that 500-pound bear ate goldilocks
i have cool chairs
i have a headache
Have a good week, y’all! Make sure you’re getting your information about the war from the right places!
Here are my new old chairs:
I laughed & I gasped!! <3 your style: writing & sidewalk furniture finds 👀
Straight up BALLER chairs and that table looks great too!