pour another one out for Betty White this holiday season
a queen of comedy and our hearts <3
Happy New Year, everybody! We are finally out of 2021, which actually felt like two thousand and twenty-one years; it really lived up to its name. Now, we are in 2022 — a year that sounds like the future but is not because … hm, how do I explain this? I believe Fergie said it best when she rapped, I’m so three thousand and eight, you’re so two thousand and late. We are still late, everyone.
Anyway, I figured this week’s newsletter will be a Year in Review because we didn’t get enough of that from Spotify or the annual Google video. Okay, please enjoy!!!!
The year began like any other, full of the Rona and 20-somethings living with their parents. Shows were watched, Baggu masks were constantly purchased, and for the cool kids out there, several books were read. The blah, blah, blah February idk I don’t remember anything from that month ok and then MARCH was my birthday I turned 24 really exciting stuff. The following week, Mama Bluth aka Jessica Walters passed away, reintroducing us to this wink she could do that is actually much harder than you’d think:
Go ahead and take a quick five to try to do this wink.
Soon after, Prince Phillip died tragically and way too young:
Then, Derek Chauvin, the cop who murdered George Floyd, got convicted, and we discovered that the Democrats believe that George Floyd sacrificed himself in the name of justice????
That’s definitely one way to not think about it. Also, just to remind us all why he was convicted: Chauvin had to be convicted in order to preserve the current system of policing. They went against him in order to save themselves. There is no such thing as justice when we interpret an unarmed man of color getting murdered by a police officer as a sacrifice!
Okay, THEN our lord and savior Whoopi Goldberg was photographed by The Tyler Twins for Variety, and I just want to remind everyone of how important this photo is:
If this photo isn’t in my children’s history books one day, then I have completely lost faith in our country’s values.
In April, Elon Musk hosted Saturday Night Live, which didn’t make any sense at all. But hey! I guess they didn’t learn from having Donald Trump host during the election. It’s so hard to know right from wrong!!!
Lots of good movies were nominated this year: Sound of Metal, Judas and the Black Messiah, Nomadland, and Cher’s favorite:
Another movie from this past year but will be in the 2022 nominations is Licorice Pizza, which was probably my favorite movie of the year. We love a HAIM girl getting her own lil show!
Carol Burnett turned 88 this year, and if anyone tries to kill her off in the 2022 In Memoriam, they will be speaking to me and also to my lawyer. Y’all thought Joan Didion and Betty White were hard for me? Just you freaking wait. You won’t be seeing or hearing from me for weeks.
In music — Olivia Rodrigo released probably one of the best albums of the year. No matter your age, her songs really HIT. In other music news, my cousin Liam Kazar also came out with one of the best records of the year!!! Be sure to listen to Due North if you haven’t already. There is no bias here, okay? It’s one of the best records. Take a quick 45 to go listen to it and then meet me back here.
THEN, the biggest news of the year! I moved to New York! And when I got here, I had no idea what the hell I was doing! And I still don’t! But I do know that sometimes when you’re looking for a job a week or two into living in a new city, you can unknowingly walk into a Warby Parker on hiring day to ask if they’re hiring and discover you’re being interviewed two questions in and only hope that you answered the first question correctly because you have now blacked out from the anxiety of not knowing you were being interviewed! And now here we are! Selling glasses and raising glasses (in my head these words rhymed but then I realized that they’re the same word). And to the customers: if you saw me working at the Warby in Williamsburg today and now we’re both in the same train car, no you didn’t <3
Gonna skip ahead a bit to when Shakira was attacked by wild boars. So, yeah, according to Shakira, Shakira was attacked by wild boars and the boars stole her purse but then they gave it back? And then Shakira said that nobody helped her when the boars stole her purse and then gave the purse back. And it’s like, come on, guys! This is so disrespectful. Shakira needed our help. Really tough year, y’all.
Next up, I bumped into Channing Tatum on the street and he punched me in the face. I’m just kidding, but I think I’m just gonna add new things to this experience every time I tell it. He was really focused on his Google maps at that moment. I hope he arrived at his destination that day. Celebs are just like us; they also have no idea where the hell they’re going. Something to think about …
Then, we all found out that a certain someone was going to turn 100 on January 17, 2022:
Apparently, Twitter thought she was the better white, and if there were such a thing as a better white, I guess they would be correct on that opinion.
But sadly, Betty White has mastered her comedic timing so well that she passed away almost two weeks before at 99. Betty White created one of the first-ever female-hosted variety shows in 1954, The Betty White Show. She defied gender stereotypes by hosting, as well as racist demands by ignoring the hatred from people who wanted Arthur Duncan off her show because he was a person of color. Betty White was and will forever be one of the greats. While she won’t be here 50 years from now, her characters — like Rose Nylund from The Golden Girls — will be. While we’ve all probably been seeing videos on Twitter this week of Betty White killing it with the one-liners on The Golden Girls, one of my favorite lines from her is actually from You Again, a rom-com starring Kristen Bell, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Sigourney Weaver (side note: has there ever been another person named Sigourney? Don’t tell me I want to be ignorant about this and believe that it’s only her):
I’m so sorry I couldn’t attend your funeral last year?????? Are you kidding me? One of the greatest insults I have ever heard in my entire life, and of course, it came from the one and only, Oak Park-born, kindest, hilarious, most incredible Betty White. A woman with a heart of gold and a very dirty mouth. What a way to end a year.
The final thing that happened (yesterday) that has to do with me personally is I discovered that I apparently and unknowingly signed a lease in October to live in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse because there is a MOUSE in my FUCKING ROOM. I have never in my life seen a mouse in a house. It just wandered out from behind the radiator and then walked back in, never to be seen again. But I know he is there. And I also know that he is not paying rent. And I wonder: does having a mouse show up in my room for the first time in my life on the first day of a new year symbolize anything? Is this a sign that I need to rescue a cat? Or is it a sign that I need to accept when I have lost and know that this so-called mouse slash demon in a mouse costume is in charge and I am in conclusion not in charge? Am I not in charge of anything in my life? Does this mean I need to start being in charge? Who am I even talking to right now?
Anyway, I’ve gotta keep an eye out for this mouse, whom I’ve named Selener. Always gotta keep an eye out for Selener.*
Tune in next week where Selener the mouse will be writing and publishing my newsletter, for I will be paralyzed from fear of this leetle tiny mouse that walked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I’m not kidding that is how it was walking. None of us are safe.
Happy New Year! Thank you so much for reading this fun lil newsletter. It means a lot to me that people like it (or pretend to like it). It’s really been helping me get through a pretty difficult and hilariously dramatic year, and I appreciate everyone being nice enough to keep reading it. Hopefully one day, you’ll be able to watch something I’ve written, too! And here are a quick few words from Cher:
*for my non-Gen-Z/Millennial readers, this is a very important song lyric.