in order to make the oscars about me, i am also resigning from the academy
please no further questions at this time
Hello, hello, hello, my little New York Times subscribers! If this first sentence didn’t phase you at all, then you are most definitely a New York Times subscriber. And if you are one of those very few, I NEED YOUR HELP.
Tell me what’s behind this paywall IMMEDIATELY. You think you can just go on living your life knowing how to prepare for this “new wave of the rona” while all of us laypeople have to just live life on the edge?!??! Shame on you. If you don’t tell us what’s behind this paywall, the devil will come for you. And no, I don’t mean that devil; I mean Amy Schumer. That girly was so traumatized by #TheSlap that she is now only a ghost that haunts people who don’t tell people what’s behind The New York Times paywall. Anyway, tell me how to prepare for the new rona, and also you might as well give me your password because I am fixin to do the crossword every Sunday.
Now, before I get started, I just wanted to let everyone know that this week’s newsletter is not gonna be about The Oscars or The Grammys or any kind of award show. And NO, it’s not because it’s getting old to talk about them after a week of it being the only thing people have been talking about. The real reason is — in solidarity with Will Smith — I am also resigning from The Academy, and there will be no further questions at this time. I know what you’re all thinking: Kerry, you’re not even in The Academy. And to that I say WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO BACK TO YOUR NYT PAYWALL AND LEAVE ME BE. But I want you all to know that I’m not resigning from The Academy because of #TheSlap or because of the way the whole situation is being handled. I’m doing it in solidarity with Will Smith because neither of us got the credit we deserved for our roles in Suicide Squad. His role was that he was in it of his own volition, and my role was that I watched the movie all the way through even though it was not good. We both deserve to be recognized for our achievements in film, and I won’t pay for a NYT subscription until then.
BUT I’M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT WILL SMITH OR THE OSCARS TODAY. Today, I’m gonna talk about how Amazon workers in Staten Island broke lil Jeff Bezos’s DOOR down and officially created the first Amazon union in US history!!! A man named Chris Smalls was fired two years ago by Amazon for protesting bad work conditions, and today, he’s one of the leaders of establishing a union at Amazon. And he succeeded!!! This is the kind of news I’m looking for, my friends. I’m looking for article quotes from people that thank Jeff Bezos for going to space because they were forming a union while he was up there releasing fossil fuels into the atmosphere. And now that there’s one union at an Amazon warehouse, you KNOW there’s gonna be more. Same with Starbucks. Same with me in my family. I should be allowed sick time in my family, and I should have holidays off, including Presidents Day. I’m just saying that as a daughter I deserve a raise (or to be able to negotiate one), and I also deserve job security and a stable schedule. And this is why I’m creating the first Daughter Labor Union. Daughters deserve better working conditions, and I’m not afraid to say it.
In other huge accomplishments that came out of this week, I did the Hot Ones challenge. This may not be as big of an achievement as the Amazon Labor Union, but it’s definitely up there. For those of you who do not know what Hot Ones is, it’s a show on YouTube where celebrities get interviewed by a guy from Evanston named Sean Evans (not to be confused with my brother, Sean Cunningham; we were all thinking it) while they both eat 10 hot wings. Each wing is hotter than the last, and after watching so many Hot Ones episodes, it seems like the wings are very, very hot. I obviously had vegan wings, but some guests on the show also do that. I’m gonna just start off by telling you all that I ATE ALL OF THE WINGS AND DID NOT GIVE UP AND THIS IS SOMETHING I WILL BE PUTTING IN THE SKILLS SECTION OF MY RESUME. I’m not afraid to say it: those celebs are a bunch of babies. Yeah, that’s right. Try to cancel me, folks! I already resigned from The Academy, so there’s nothing you can do to ruin my career. The hot sauces were not that bad, and I’m strong and brave (and very pretty) and those dumb lil award-winners are nothing but a bunch of actors eating hot wings. The two famous hot sauces on the show are Da Bomb and The Last Dab — the eighth and tenth sauces. Da Bomb is the one that gets ya, and it got a lot of the people I was with when we did the challenge. I wouldn’t call it super spicy, but if there’s one thing that I would call it, it would be disgusting. It tasted so bad. There was no flavor at all; it was just spicy and gross. Will I be trying it again? You bet your friggin butt I will be. The Last Dab is the final sauce, and the tradition is to put a little extra on your wing to end the entire challenge. That one definitely had a little more heat to it, but it was also what I would like to call disgusting. That shit tasted like gasoline (I would like the record to show that I am just imagining that this sauce is what gasoline would taste like and that I have never actually tasted gasoline before). But anyway, I did the challenge, and I succeeded, and there have been no consequences post eating the sauces as of yet, if ya know what I fricken mean.
This means that I am a winner. And because I am a winner, I am announcing that I am rejoining The Academy. I learned a lot since the beginning of today’s newsletter, and I’ve come to realize that everybody makes mistakes, and the Hot Ones challenge was not one of them — but watching Suicide Squad absolutely was.
Today is my first Sunday off from work in a while, so I’m not gonna make this week’s newsletter too long. Ya girl needs a nap and a vegan donut! Peace and blessings unto you all, and the Lord is with you (and also with you/and with your Spirit). Sorry, I did watch Jesus Christ Superstar twice this week, and it was very good both times. Don’t you know everything’s alright? Yes, everything’s fine! My final advice to everyone this week is to watch Jesus Christ Superstar from 1973, and then you will also be singing the Mary Magdalene song I just referenced. Ok, bye!
vcbvvbb
^ i accidentally leaned on my keyboard, but i’m just gonna leave it